Lately, I’ve had a bunch of Random things pop into my head. Not quite sure why, but my mind does not want to shut off lately. I don’t know if it is because I am travelling down the road cruise control on 70, or because MAYBE, I might have to accept something. Maybe, just maybe, I have put too much on my plate lately, and I am having a hard time, making my way through my plate.
I got up this morning early, and was watching my regular News program of the morning, and I thought, ”Someone is trying to tell me something”, because of the segment they had on.
My little ole town news station had a segment for Caregiver’s, this morning. The Electrician actually turned up the volume, and I truly paid attention. Apparently, “we” as Caregiver’s of family members find the Holidays, a trying time.
We want things to be the way they were BEFORE, we had to become Caregiver’s, be it from Spouses, daughters, sons, or just as a family. We want to go back to the time, when things were “normal”.
But in our lives right now, it is not normal. For me? I’ve been between a rock and a hard place, to trying to figure out other people’s emotions and not quite comprehending them.
Forgive me, for a second, but I am a 50+ woman, who tries to do the best she can with what she has. I apologize for not figuring out exactly what other’s need from me.
I am not giving anyone any grief, but I am trying to explain, YES, I would give anything to go back to the time, when it was all “normal”. But uhm…WAKE up, because it is not normal, and we deal with what we are given.
Forgive me, but the last few days with Momma have not been exactly “perfect”. To the Farmer, while I know it hurts us both, especially when she cries, because normally, she does not cry. There is a sadness in the house right now, that while we may not have told her everything, she feels it. Sometimes, I cry simply because of her frustration.
Folks, Momma is not like she used to be, she is getting weaker, and while we grasp at straws, it ain’t pretty. If I could seriously give her ALL of my strength, and let her stay awake, and have a solid conversation and not one of a dreamland I would. But, I can’t.
There has been a bunch of kissing and hugs lately, that haven’t always been there. To me , that is another Blessing.
As a Caregiver to my Momma with Stage 5 Parkinson’s, I would not miss this for anything, and while I know the Farmer AND Momma need me, I am right there. To My Electrician, The Nursing Student, The Fisher Dude, My Son & his fiance, and the College Student, and especially Cam-Man, I am right there for you too. But at the same token, I know you are all there for me too.
In Life’s lesson’s, I have found a strength and courage, I never knew I had. But I will admit something to y’all, I’m not doing it alone. I’m being carried, ya know how I know this? Because I feel it, between God, and all of my guardian angels, we got this. (And I have a bunch of angels watching over me).