This morning started out with a bunch of promise. While it is not the “usual Monday morning routine”, it started out with promise. I didn’t have Cam-man this morning, so I woke up at normal time, and did some stuff around the house, to help myself for when I got home. I am trying to stop neglecting the things I normally do and try to cover all of my bases.
After doing all the stuff, I do not normally do on a Monday morning, I headed out, to the Farmers. I felt a bit lonely, because I don’t have Cam-Man with me. Have I mentioned that I personally don’t like change, but that I can adapt?
I arrived at the Farmers and got put out immediately. Pfft, I am a back door daughter, and when I went to the back door, I could not open it. The screen door was locked and I don’t have a key to the back door. Well… to be truthful, I do, but I can’t tell which friggin key it is.
So, I went back around and entered into through the front door. The Farmer was happy to see me., but not happy, to have me tell him off ,for the back door not being open. immediately we both checked into the situation of ordering Momma‘s stuff through a certain facility and me, uhm yup, me, not putting in the right address to have it delivered.
It was last week when we ordered it, and I may or may not been in my right mind when I typed the address into the computer, but it was something we had to deal with. After calling and being put on hold for a ungoodness amount of minutes, we finally got through to a human and not a computer. After telling them the situation, and them assessing the situation, we were told it would be all good.
We had no sooner hung up the phone when the drive way bell went off. Guess what? One of our favorite trucks, (we have 2 that we use), anyway,hat’s off to these guys simply because, they know us. One of our favorite drivers backed into the driveway with Momma’s stuff and told us, he had looked at the name and said, “pfft, I know these people, I can deliver it” So THANK YOU to the Fed Ex driver that delivers Momma’s supplies. (some of them). He covered us, and just when we needed it most. (That’s a song isn’t it?) I seriously do not know where my head has been at lately.
After squaring everything away and putting stuff up, and talking to the Farmer, it was time to get Momma up. (To the Farmer, I am sorry for what I am about to say, but it HAS to be said).
Momma talked with me for the first 5 minutes, and then I am not sure where she went but she wasn’t with me. I gave Momma her bath and cleaned her up “she had an accident”, she was upset about it, but I told her it was okay, she was giggling by then end of it, but when it was time to get her up, she wasn’t there.
It took everything the Farmer and I had to get her to stand so I could “clean her up”. I went and got the wheel chair and we took her into the other room with the wheelchair. When it was time to put her into her chair, that was a friggin fiasco.
I gave Momma her Christmas goose and then some by trying to lift her up and trying to carry her into her chair. She had so many back spasms, and neck spasms, I don’t know what to tell you. It was HARD.
Momma has gotten so weak over the weekend, I don’t know where to start, I can’t even begin to tell you. When Momma was in her chair, and YES the Farmer and I got her there, I put a cold cloth on her neck, took her temp, and gave her a mouth swab.
Fast forward, and she was telling me how much she loved me and the Farmer, and she was sorry. I have a hard time with that. Sorry folks, Why the HECK should she be sorry? Her body is failing. I know this, so does the Farmer. I’m here to make it easier. Although with the Christmas Goose she got…hell I’d be happy…..just kiddin….
Fast forward, I left the Farmer’s house crying today, simply because I have never seen momma that frail. Somehow, it ended up with Cam-Man at my house for the evening,. I’m not quite sure how it happened, and I am not questioning why, I just went with it.
Cam Man and I and the electrician had a most wonderful evening, and I can’t even begin to describe it into words…
There is so much happening that I am trying to wrap my head around, and I just am having a hard time with….I’m not questioning anything, I am just going with the flow at this point…..
When I woke up this morning, I was still “flaming” after last night. I decided I would take charge and take care of all of those things I have neglected lately. Sometimes, I just have too much on the calendar, to take care of those little day-to-day things.
So, my feet hit the floor running, and I started a load of laundry, slugged back a couple of cups of coffee and got busy. Camsgranny, cleaned the entire house and did 4 loads of laundry (sheets and bedding stuff included), flipped mattresses around, and FINALLY put winter clothes away and went through summer clothes.
Apparently, something happened over the winter and that “full-bodied shampoo” I use, floated on down my body when I was rinsing, and well….somethings from last year just don’t fit anymore. It’s the shampoo, trust me!
The Electrician is all in a flutter about holding a garage sale. Our town holds an annual Garage sale town wide, and the date is rapidly approaching. Now to be truthful, I don’t “do’ garage sales, and this is all his puppy. I have been following him around the house when he grabs something and says ‘Yes, we can sell this”, and I follow tucking it into a cupboard. I have given in to some things, but well… I could secretly be a hoarder and don’t know it.
With my house cleaned and shiny, and groceries (that the Electrician bought) put away, we headed out to the Nurse’s house for a BBQ. We had a great time, with most of the family there, and then the Electrician did not feel well so we both came home. After a 2 hour nap, we are back up and at it.
We did let Ms. Baby out, and let her hang out on the porch, but when we heard all kinds of birds chirping and going off, we went outside. Apparently, Ms. Baby was stalking a baby bird and had it pinned between her paws (she has no front claws), every bird within a 2 mile radius was dive bombing her butt, and we got her to come inside, and hopefully the baby bird has made his escape. While I feel bad for the baby bird, I understand Ms. Baby’s instincts. She was a little forlorn and gave us extra loving, because her Daddy yelled at her.
My schedule is about to change, as the Nurse is now out for summer break, and Cam Man and I won’t be spending everyday together. That kind of makes me sad. I had to laugh today though, because when we were pulling up at the Nurse’s house, Cam saw his “Papa’s truck” before we had even turned the corner and had already started running. His Auntie Boo grabbed him, and he was all smiles when we got there. Of course the first few minutes were spent with Cam loving on his Papa, and then it was ‘Will you play with me Jo?”. We played and Papa pulled his truck up so Cam could hang out on the tailgate of Papa’s truck. Cam looked at me and asked “Papa Dan, he ok?” My heart kind of melted. I told him “Papa Dan is ok”, then he asked about Momma, it was so cute how he said it to me. “Jo?”, “Yes?” “Your Momma, she ok too?”. “Yes, Cam, she is ok too”.
His and mine schedule is changing, and I think we miss each other a bunch more than we ever thought we would. When I stopped by his house yesterday, he was knee-deep in mud and water and having a blast helping his parents get their yard into shape, but when I was ready to go, he went up to the Rav4 and was ready to go. It broke my heart, I couldn’t take him with me. Today, was another of the same story. When Papa and I had to leave, I had a little talk with him, and told him we were going home, and he had to stay and play with all the kids at his house, and to be a “big boy” and give us hugs and kisses and go play.
It worked, until we were in the truck and ready to go and then all hell broke loose, he came running and screaming up to the truck and clung to me, and said, “NO, I go with you and Papa”. Uncle Nate came and got him, and when we drove away Grandma Sue had him and he was waving with tears in his eyes.
What a Saturday…….I’ve also been helping a friend of mine with her journey with Parkinson’s, and trying to find ways for her to succeed in what she is doing. It’s a work in process, and still ongoing, but I will help, in any way I can.
While my mind is going 1000 miles an hour, and you can probably tell by this post, Welcome to my Saturday, Camgranny’s style….
While I have been living life ( by the seat of my pants) , lately. I have had so many Good days, that I kind of forgot about the bad ones. Things have been so jam-packed full of adventure lately, in other areas of my life, that I have kind of pushed all those PD feelings to the background, and really have not thought about them much.
Can I just say, while others of you are shaking your head, and saying “That’s not a healthy approach to the situation”, it HAD been working for me. Up until today. I’ve been busy folks, between this and that, I haven’t really had time to do things that I normally do. I found a little time out of my day today to realize, Sometimes when I am the happiest, is when I am not focusing on Momma and the PD.
Ok, I said it. Blast me for being an ungrateful daughter, but I have learned some lessons with this thing called Parkinson’s. Momma has it, I don’t. There I said it. I feel guilty when I have so much joy in my life, and then I come back to Momma, because with Momma, there is no joy. Yes, there are certain moments that amount to it, but they are few and far between.
Somewhere along the line, I got so caught up in Momma’s Parkinson‘s, that I forgot to truly enjoy life and all of its Blessings. I was so worried about, how she was feeling, what she is dealing with, has she “pooped” today, does she have a temperature, why is she doing “x, y, z”, is she going to die? That I stopped living for myself, and focused my whole being on her. THAT is not healthy, for me, nor anyone around me.
What I have learned in the last few days (THANK YOU Cam-Man), is life does go on, no matter what. Life doesn’t stop because Momma is having a bad day, I have learned to deal with it, and adjust, whatever I can to make her feel better.
Parkinson’s is a crazy disease, that a bunch of people are affected with. It is different from one person to the next, there is no cure. period. What I Have learned, is we make do with what we have and what we know, and if we don’t know, then we fly by the seat of our pants.
Momma, has actually had some really good days lately. We have new issues that we deal with daily, But ya know what? If I go back to that saying, “God will never give me more than I can handle”, and goodness knows I can lift a semi truck by myself at this time, it’s ok. I’m not on this road alone, I have a BUNCH of peeps at my side, who will help me IF I need it.
Sometimes as Caregivers, we get lost in the giving of care. It is SO important, to remember, YOU are an individual, who is dealing with the “disease” as well, maybe not as intense as the person who has it, but you still give care. I lost myself for a while, but guess what? I’M back……
The road is bumpy and filled with pot holes, you just have to learn how to manuever through them. It is so easy to get caught up with the “drama” and the feelings, but you truly have to look at your own feelings through this journey, and trust me when I say journey, because it is.
I’ve learned so much, and given so much, and received so much. Words could not even begin to describe it. I’ve learned some very hard lessons for me lately. They were a long time in coming, but I’ve learned them. I’ve always told y’all that I was on this journey for a reason, I’m just starting to figure it out.
Today was a very good day, in all aspects of it, and I told the Electrician this, and then went on to say something else, but he cut me off, because he told me, “Quit looking for trouble, accept what you have and go with it, because if you say something silly, it will happen”. He’s right.
I’m sorry but a song just popped in to my head, and call me silly if you want to but it is Doris Day singing ‘Que Serra Serra…”.
Life is good at Camsgranny’s house. I won’t say anymore.
I’ve spent a bunch of time lately with my little dude. His name is Cam-man.
This little dude is about to turn 3. He is full of questions, LOVES all things boyish, John Deere tractors, bugs, OUTSIDE, nature, and just plain everything.
He shows so much compassion at the age of “almost 3′, that truly triggers my heart.
He loves the Farmer, and the Farmer thinks it’s because of the “Big toys” he has. Cam-Man has fallen in love DEEPLY with tractors. Not sure why, but so it goes.
I can’t tell you, over the past couple of days, Cam-man has been at the Farmer’s and all’s he truly wanted was to be outside. So, with the weather cooperating, we’ve been outside. Cam has learned how to plant a plant, tomatoes, and green peppers, and played with the dirt, and ran from one end of the Farmer’s property to the other. He did have to stop halfway and say, “WOW“. He got truly excited when we passed by the fields that all of the Farmers are out planting right now. He counted the amount of tractors we have seen, and was trying to count the fingers. On the way home today, he gave up and fell asleep at 15.
When people ask me, how I deal with everything I deal with, I simply say look at this picture,
Because truly a picture is worth 1000 words.
Whenever I see Cam and Momma together, it makes my heart burst. This little dude has had a hard time recognizing who I am, much less the people I bring him to. I have since been renamed, to “Jo” simply because that is what his Momma calls me and he feels comfortable with this. He knows my Dad is his “Papa Dan” and my Mom is ‘Grandma Jo’s Momma”.
When I truly sit down and think about it, he is teaching me things. It must be confusing for a kid, to have THAT many Grandparents’s, but Cam’s dealing with it in his own way. He tell’s me every morning, ‘We going to Papa Dan’s?” “Yes, Cam we are, and we have to take care of Grandma Annie ok?” “She’s your Mom right?” “Yes, Cam that’s my Momma ok?” “Yup”.
Cam is the light of Momma, from him telling her to “poo on the potty and NOT in her pants” cracks me up. Dude listen to your own advice ok? Cam-Man stands at the front of Momma’s bed everyday when I give her a bath, and her and Cam carry on like nothing, talking back and forth, it makes me giggle.
But what I have truly realized, between the banter they carry on, they are both helping each other in a way. Whenever it is time for Momma to take those steps into the other room, Cam sits on her walker, and gives her encouragement the whole way. he tells her “put your foot down” to “breathe, we are almost there”.
Who knew an almost 3-year-old had that kind of power, especially when his main love is “Buzz light year, and John Deere tractors?”
I’ve said this from the beginning and I will say it forever, the “new” and the “old” have so much in commen, now if they could both just poo on the potty I would be so much happier…..
The past few weeks for me have passed in a whirlwind. Birthdays, parties, eating out, day-to-day living. Whew. I made it. For a bit there, I wasn’t sure I would. Luckily, there isn’t another birthday for about a month, when you have 4 Birthdays, and an anniversary all within the space of the month of April and first week of May, well, it can be a little over whelming.
We started out with Momma‘s birthday, then it was the Farmer and Momma’s 32nd wedding anniversary. While it is hard to celebrate, simply because, I could not bring a cake, nor could I really give her presents, I did what I could, and brought flowers (which she loves) and an anniversary balloon (that Cam has totally had a blast with).
The next event was the Fisher Dude’s 30th birthday, his lovely wife (the Nurse) had planned a surprise party for him at Red Lobster, and about 35 + people were there. He did not have a clue, and was totally shocked.
Mind you, the Nurse had planned this about 2 months ago, and we were all in on it.
The cover story was he was meeting the Electrician and I, and we were buying him dinner. I so wish we would have gotten a picture of his face when he realized it was a party for him, because his jaw literally hit the floor.
It was such a good time, and with a bunch of friends, it was a very memorable time.
I think a good time was had by all, and it was mentioned that how would the Fisher dude “top” that as the Nurse’s birthday is 2 weeks after his. They both turned 30 this year. While he may not have “topped” his birthday surprise, he did pull off a party for the Nurse.
We all met, the family, at Monical’s pizza, and all of us, including the Nurse had a bunch of giggles. We were not the only one’s they’re celebrating birthdays, either. Apparently the other “big” party in the place was for a Grandmother’s birthday. As they were leaving, this was after the waiter brought out the cake the Fisher dude had the Electrician and I, get there early to set up everything. The Birthday girl came over to the Nurse and whispered into her ear, and then the Nurse busted up laughing, and then told us, what was said. The other Birthday “girl” (I think it was her 70th birthday), asked the Nurse, “Do you know why Tigger looked into the toilet?” The Nurse shook her head, and then heard “To look for Pooh”.
This was Cam-Man’s card to his Momma, I had posted a note to the Nurse on Facebook with Cam-Man holding this, and I think the Nurse liked it, especially, when he gave it to her.
Pizza, beer, family, Good times….Carrott Cake, call it winner, winner, pizza dinner. I think I ate enough pizza to fill me for the rest of the year.
While the past few weeks have been like a fart in a whirlwind, I loved each and every moment of it, I would not trade it for anything.
Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, and I will celebrate that too. So there will be more pictures, and happy times, Folks, have you ever just wished time could stop, so you could soak up all of your Blessings?
I truly don’t mean to brag to anyone, but I am so thankful, I have so many Blessings, simply because not all areas of my life are this happy. But I do try to find the Blessings and the happiness whenever I can. Luckily for me, I feel well and truly Blessed.
To the Farmer, before I get into this, I’m sorry if I have “broken” our code, but sometimes, you need to share with other’s, things that you are dealing with, for other’s that are dealing with this thing called Parkinson’s.
I’ve been reluctant to talk about it, because we are dealing with “new things”, and we are still trying to find our own way through this thing called Parkinson’s. But I had kind of moment today, call it frustration, call it AHA, call it, someone please explain this to me, or just one of those over all moments, when you facepalm your head and say, What the Heck.
I have to back up the trolley for a second and let you all in on yesterday. We changed up Momma’s schedule yesterday, and while we thought it would not make a difference, it did. We got Momma up an hour earlier than usual, and put her to bed earlier than usual. It wasn’t a major problem, other than we had to use the wheelchair all day yesterday. Yes, I lifted Momma myself ( my back will tell you I did) (Something about a little 4’11″ roughly 115lb girl lifting her 5’7″ 138lb Momma). Momma did not walk yesterday, she tried, but it wasn’t gonna happen. Momma had a good day of sleep yesterday.
Today, Cam-man and I went in and visited with Momma a few times before we got her up. Imagine my surprise when I went into give her, her meds, and I told her “Good Morning Sunshine girl, how is my Momma today?”, she replied with “Good Morning darling, not to bad.”. All the while Cam-Man is pointing to Momma and asking me, That’s your Momma Jo?” Yes, Cam-Man it is. He smiled and grabbed her hand and then carried on a conversation with Momma, to which only he and her understood, because I was looking at both of them like “Uh, what????”.
When it came time to get Momma up, she was full of giggles and “back to normal”, after her bath, the Farmer was on the phone with one of his buddies from a long time ago, and it was one of those “Oh Shit” conversations. (plain english, one of his and momma’s friends had died)
Since the Farmer was on the phone, I decided not to disturb him, and put Momma on her porta potty by myself. While it may have taken me 2 tries, we did it. Momma latched onto me like I was the last person on earth. Cam-Man was there telling Momma, “You do it with Jo okay?”.
When the Farmer arrived, Cam-Man and Momma and me were giggling over our attempts, but when she heard the news of her friend passing, she withdrew, completely. From there it was a very hard attempt by Momma to WALK into the other room with all of our help.
MY Momma is in there, trust me, I know this. While Parkinson’s does what ever it does, she’s in there. Today, was a rare glimpse into that. I saw her fight to walk, even after I had asked her about the wheelchair, and she looked at me with spit drooling out of her mouth, because she cannot swallow I gave her a cloth and she spit it out, and told me, I WILL WALK into the other room. And folks, she did.
Wherever her mind is at, I don’t know. She see’s things that are not there, she HURTS everywhere, and sleeps probably 22 hours out of a 24 hour day. But that hour or so she is awake, sometimes is hell on wheels.
Cam-Man summed it up today, when we left the Farmer’s house. I always tell him to give the Farmer and Momma loving before we leave. Today, Momma was not quite herself, but Cam-man gave the Farmer a hug and a kiss and told him, I’ll be back. Then went up to Momma and grabbed her hand and kissed it, and looked into her eyes, and said, “I Wove you, I’ll be back, be here ok?”
After reading this, it might sound pathetic, but ya know what? It’s Parkinson’s, and we are dealing with it. We are fighters here, and even Momma is still fighting. I can only hope I can show the grace, love and dignity, when this disease robs you of all it. Momma still has all of those.
I have come to the conclusion, that I am not faithful to my blog anymore. When I first started it about a year and a half ago, I faithfully typed every night, sometimes a couple of times a night. I don’t know if I am suffering from “blog burn out” or simply getting to a stage in my blog, that I cannot share everything with y’all anymore.
When I first started my blog, I was a very scared Daughter of a Parkinson’s momma. I did not know what to expect, and I honestly did not think it would bring to me where I am today. I have opened myself up to y’all, and told you about daily living, as a Caregiver for this disease.
But what I did not expect, was that my words would run dry. I did not expect to come to a time, when I find myself not wanting to share some moments, simply, because I know I am on the last leg of my journey, and I am trying to hold everything dear and near to me. I have noticed, I only post on the weekends, and that’s probably because I have more time on the weekends to give you an insight. But even that isn’t really even close to what I am living right now.
There are a lot of things that go on, that I can’t even bring myself to write about, and that’s me, because if I write them down, then it makes it so much more real. It does not take away their value, nor the reality, it’s just me procrastinating the enivatable.
So, at the end of today, while I may have gone and “filled” in for Caregiver Beth, because she was sick, and I went and took care of Momma, it wasn’t a burden, it was a Blessing. I know my time may be short, but then again, it may be longer too, who knows?
All’s I know at this point, everyday is a Blessing, and I am thankful for it. I have faith y’all, and I told y’all there is a lesson, I’m learning it. Ok so I may be hard-headed and might not be the best student, But I am learning.
This is probably the hardest thing I have done in my life so far, and at 51, I’m still learning….It’s ok though, because, I know I’ve got a “crew” on my side and a bunch of angels, looking out for me, and Momma……
When I saw this in my e-mail this morning, before I got up to do what I normally do on a Sunday, I kind of giggled to myself.
I guess I don’t see it in the context it is said. Let me break it down for you. First of all, I am lucky to have a glass to put anything in, because there are plenty of people out there that do not even own a glass.
If the glass is half empty, then I have a bunch more to cherish and enjoy. If the glass is half full, then I am doing pretty good, and still have a bunch more to cherish and enjoy. So either way you look at it, I am Blessed for having the glass and it being either “half empty” or “half full”.
It’s all in how you look at it…..
Random phrases over the past few months…
“I got this”
“do you know where you are going?”
“I love this”
“ON YOUR BUTT”
“cuse me pwease”
“I love that too”
“so happy to see you”
“How have you been?”
“Oh my gosh”
“I can’t believe it”
‘I so, love this”
“are you kidding me?”
“this is my favorite”
“of all time”
“I Love you”
“what are you doing?”
“where are the batteries?”
“ruh roh, that’s gonna leave a mark”
“I wanted to root for your team but well…”
“Best movie EVER…”
“psst.. they are sleeping..”
“ice tube pwease”
“I love you Papa..”
“I love you Grandma”
“High 5 dude you went poo in the potty”
‘No, diapers, I a big boy, want pwull uwps”
“Where’s my B?”
“Bweakfast, oatmeal pwease”
“Look at the rainbow”
“Are you kidding me?”
“Oh My Goodness, you didn’t, did you?”
“Pirates, sharks and let’s have a picicanic”
“Did you see those wild turkeys?”
“WOW, I can’t believe you did it”
“Really, you want me to what?”
“I wove Papa Dan”
“Jo? I Love you 2″
“Wanna play in the water, pwease?”
“DID you see THAT”
“Where the heck did all this water come from?”
“Happy Birfday to YOUUUUUU”
“Did you see that?”
“Thank you for my neck rub”
‘Thank you for everything you do”.
“Are you fricking kiddin me?”
“You want what?”
“That was fantastic”
“Thank you for everything that you do for me and all of us”.
I’ve been writing these down on scraps of paper, and have added them all into this post. The Electrician is happy to get rid of all those scraps of paper, he hates, clutter. Some of these came from the Grandbabies, and the “2″ is from Cam, he used to respond whenever you told him you loved him by replying “2″. He has now graduated to actually saying “I wuv you 2″.
These are some of the things I have listened to and contributed with. Looking back, it brings a smile to my face.
Didja ever just wish your bones did not creak as much as they do?
Didja ever wonder how, when you were a kid, time took so long to go through, and then when you got older, wonder, where did the time go?
Didja ever wonder why a wild turkey makes the sound it makes?
Didja ever wonder where that last roll of toilet paper went, that you thought you had?
Didja ever wonder what a cat really thinks when they look at you and the food bowl is full, but they want a minute of your day?
Didja ever wonder why that lightning bolt hit just in the middle of your yard, to scare the crappola out of you?
Didja ever wonder, why with so much beauty in the world, there is so much ugliness?
Didja ever wonder why, you cannot get the last spoonful of peanut butter OUT of the jar?
Didja ever wonder why sometimes you cannot sleep, when you are so tired, but sleep will not come?
Didja ever wonder at a rainbow?
Didja ever wonder at the smells, flowers give? Or fresh-cut grass?
Didja ever wonder how someone can be mean to another person?
Didja ever wonder, what it would be like if you could not be yourself anymore?
Didja ever wonder if you were being selfish?
Didja ever wonder if maybe, just maybe, there were other people who had some of the silly questions you did?
Didja ever wonder if maybe, your purpose was to bring joy to another person?
Didja ever stop to think, you could be helping someone?
Didja ever wish, that things could be normal?
Didja ever question what normal was?
Didja just wish for better all around?
My mind tonite is filled with so many questions, and so many feelings, that I feel. I don’t quite know how to express them, and someone told me, “You are a writer, what the heck?”
Guess what, there are some emotions that go through us, we do not know how to describe, we just feel them, whether they give us pain or joy, we FEEL them. Sometimes there are no words.
I’ve been on a rocky path lately and I know it. It’s ok, I’m dealin….Call me the Queen of hearts, because seriously, I feel it all. From my family to my friends, I have seen it, shared it, (with some), and tried to be “graceful” while doing it. Although to be honest, I am a bit clutzy. (I know anyone who KNOWS me is yelling, NOT you!)
I’ve been humbled in this past week, I’ve been terrified, and I’ve also had some serious giggle moments. I’m walking this path,ok, I’ll admit it, I am crawling this path I’m on. But I’m on it. But ya know what I’ve FINALLY figured out? I’m not on it on my own.
This is from my heart, I’ve been on this journey for a while, but I have a good support system, and it just got bigger, ya wanna know why? Because simply, I’m not in it alone. I have all of my readers, and I have all of my family, friends and everyone else, but ya know what? I’ve truly got God on my side, there is a lesson in this for me, and I’m searching for it, and I WILL find it.