Tag Archives: family

I did it!!!

It’s been awhile since I last posted, please forgive me.  I have been dealing with a bunch of personal issues.  Some of them I am learning and growing from, and some I am just dealing with.

My biggest news today, is I have accomplished something I never thought I would.  I actually participated in a 5K.  Yes, a marathon.  Now those of you who have followed me for a while, know I am not a “sporty” type.  But part of my “new” thing, when I quit being Momma‘s Caregiver was to try to find “myself” again.

I started working out, lost a few (10 at the moment) pounds, and just kind of focused on me and MY well-being.  I have a wonderful Coach, (whoever said that daughter’s could not be your best friend when no one else will be was crazy).

DSCN4591

This was us this morning at o’dark thirty.  We really did not talk last night about what time we would need to get up to be there.  Here is confession time.  I am living with this wonderful girl and her family for the moment.

THAT is another story in itself which is a little to personal to talk about at the moment, but suffice to say, The Electrician and I are “working” on our relationship and it is what it is.

But, as I am famous for, I digress.  The Nurse and I have been “training” for this for about a month now.  We take nightly walks, she pushes Cam-man in his stroller and I let Bella the dog ‘pull’ me around.

We arrived a little late this morning, as i had an e-mail from my favorite cousin to meet her.  Uhm…we were late, and arrived as the prayer was being said, so the Nurse and I were in the tail end of the ‘group”.

DSCN4595With a total of 670 people, I did not think we would ever find my cousin.  Guess what?  5 minutes into it, we found my beloved cousin, and the Nurse got to meet her and we walked for a bit, with her group.  Somewhere along the line though, The Nurse and I got up to our speed and started passing peeps like there was no tomorrow.  I have never been in a marathon before, but “sis” and I have walked for an hour all over our little town and we were kicking some butt.

DSCN4597We got hit with some “fairy dust” and got us motivated.  We walked all over the little town of Bismarck, Illinois, and we had a blast.  But I do have to admit something.  I had talked to my Mother in law a couple of days ago, and she has always wanted to participate in an event such as this, so I told “sis” and we talked about her Grandma on the way, so my MIL and her Grandma was with us.  I called her this afternoon and told her about it, and she giggled.

DSCN4599This would be me and my most favorite cousin in the world.  I love this woman.  This woman was my pen pal for so many years, and actually flew to England for my graduation,  There is nothing I would not do for her, I am proud to call her my bestest friend through the years.  (Plus, she got my butt motivated to do this.)

But to be honest, my inspiration and my rock, to give true credit where it is due is the one, who did not like me very much 20 years ago, but who has turned out to be my best friend and daughter, although I can not take credit for her birth, I can take credit for some, but I love this girl like no other.  While she has had to deal with a bunch of stuff, like taking in her step-mother in and sharing her home with me,  Thank you to my Nurse, today was a blast.

DSCN4600We did it Sissy.  Thank you!  To the Moon and back…..and as Cam-Man  says….GO BULLSEYE!!!!

didja ever…..part 1000000

Didja ever, wonder about the stars?

didja ever wonder about life?

didja ever wonder, where you are today is where you would be?

didja ever wonder,  how confused life can get?

didja ever wonder, how can things be so out of whack, that you can’t seem to find yourself back in the whack?

didja ever wonder why?

didja ever wonder why not?

didja ever just lay in the grass and stare up at the stars and just breath?

didja ever just catch a fire fly with a mason jar?

didja ever wish you could go back in time, to your childhood with the knowledge you have today?

didja ever just wonder at the marvels of life?

didja ever think someone else was in charge?

didja ever, just think?

didja ever give Thanks for your Blessings?

didja ever wonder what your Blessings were?

didja ever, just think,  yea, I got this, and you don’t?

didja ever just wish that things could be different?

didja ever just Thank your family for having you?

didja ever just wish things could be oh so different?

didja ever just stop to smell the roses?

didja ever just wonder about all your friends and family that have passed before you?

Didja ever wonder Do I really have an angel following me?

didja ever just take a moment to smell the flowers?

didja ever just forget about all the chores you had to do, and simply enjoy the moment?

didja ever just stop and think, I am a speck on the universe and what I do does not really matter?

didja ever think that a smile from you could brighten up a strangers day?

didja ever think, some are called to do something, and others are not?

didja ever think that the one’s that appear strong, really are not?

didja ever think, that sometimes, the one’s that are the quietest, really have the most to say?

didja ever think, that, sometimes, I think too much and it can really harm you?

I have some issues lately.  I think too much, some say I have too much time on my hands, but ya know what?  I really don’t.  I try so hard to fill up every moment of my day, just so I don’t have to think.

But at the same token, I do have some randomness in my day, and then my mind starts working, and I don’t know how to shut it off.

I’m okay, really I am, I think fear is my biggest enemy right now.  If you have followed me, then you know what I am talking about.  Things are not getting better, they are getting worse.  Not everyone see’s it, but I do.  I guess, because I feel Blessed to be in Momma‘s inner circle.   Although today sucked some green Twinkies…. She thought her Mom was still here, and it was like she relived every part of it, except her Mom’s been gone for some 14-18 years now.  Having to tell her that about crushed me.   BUT….

didja ever wonder how a disease lives?

didja ever wonder, how the person with it feels?

I am getting a glimpse into it, I don’t like it but I will deal….

I’m not to sure what lesson’s I am learning, but I’m here, and ready.  Sometimes, I just wish the rest of the family was with me.  It’s ok, because, I understand what I am doing, takes time away from my family, I just hope and pray they know what it means to me.

Days are Days…..

Sometimes, when you have dealt with something for so long, the days just melt into each other.  Some days are good, some days are bad, and some days just stand out.  Sometimes, you just get up and deal with the day, as normal.  But sometimes days are not normal, they are unique.  I don’t know everything, trust me here.  I am basically flying by the seat of my pants.

While today started out normal, it changed into a unique day for me.  Not much was out of the normal scope, but I have learned to adapt.  I’ve learned to look for the little things, and find something special about every day.

I am Blessed by the amount of friends that I have and the amount of support I have.  When I look at my situation, I have come to the conclusion, I can either wallow in self-pity, or I can look at everything with different eyes, and learn to cherish things.

My Momma is Stage 5 Parkinson’s and it ain’t pretty in any way shape or form. I’m learning that sometimes, the best times are the worst.  Don’t get me wrong here.  I’m not promoting bad times, I’m simply saying that this is a debilitating disease, but I have learned strength, and grace.  I have learned this through my Momma, who has shown, while this disease is robbing her of some of life’s most important things, she has shown me Grace in accepting them.  She has shown me strength by trying with everything she is to over come them and still find a moment to giggle at circumstance.

God gave Momma to me, and I’m still trying to figure it out, but I would not ever turn my back on this journey.  She is teaching me so much, and I am teaching her at the same time.  She has learned my voice, (after  32 years, you would think we both would figure out, God gave us to each other for a reason).  She gets upset at so much these days, and between Dad and I, she calms down.

When I get her up and bath her and then Dad comes in, her face lights up when he says ‘Hi”. then the conversation turns to the 3 of us.  My heart is Blessed so much and there are times I could just lose it, simply for the love in the room.

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done, but to know that I have God on my side, and also, the support of all of my family and friends makes it bearable.   When God wants to bring Momma home, so be it.  I can only hope her days on earth have brought her happiness and comfort.

For me?  My journey still continues….there is so much I thought I knew, that I didn’t.  I’m still learning.  The lesson’s still continue, and I have an open mind and heart.

Sometimes, the hardest lessons hurt the most…..

Good news….

Today was not my normal day to go over to the Farmer’s to help with Momma, but Caregiver Beth had something she had to do, so, I did it.    I did the normal Saturday stuff at my house and then went on down the road.  When I got there, I did some of the stuff I normally do, and then went into the kitchen to make the Farmer lunch.  I noticed something right off the bat, and went into the front room to question the Farmer.

Now, I have to back track a little.  A few weeks (ok so it maybe a month or so) ago, I “borrowed” the Farmer’s Kitchen aide mixer .

kitchenaide

I kinda fell in love with it, simply because I make cookies every week, sometimes twice a week (batch for the Electrician and 1/2 a batch for the Farmer and 1/2 a batch for Caregiver Beth).   Plus, I’ve made some cakes and bread too.

The Farmer asked me last week, if I would please bring back his mixer, and his mixer wrote the Farmer a note, it said ”  Dear Dad, Please don’t worry about me, I am getting exercise, and I have a prestigious position on my sissy’s counter,   I am enjoying my time here, and sissy says she will bring me back home soon.  Love, Your mixer”.

I seriously had good intentions to bring the mixer home this week.  But when I noticed everything re-arranged in the kitchen, I asked the Farmer what gives?  He told me he had a surprise and I would have to wait until Monday to find out what it is.  Pfft…..SERIOUSLY????

I quickly informed him, I would bug the $hit out of him until he told me what it was, and I did too.   Amid a bunch of giggles, he finally gave in and  told me, the mixer could stay at my house.  WOOHOO, double back flips.  Apparently, the mixer had expressed it’s desire to stay at my house, and The Farmer, complied.  Although I will not tell the mixer, it’s been replaced, by a “newer” version.  I don’t want to hurt its feelings.

In all honesty, Thanks Dad! from the bottom of my heart.  I’ve grown quite attached to the “mixer” and I really did not want to bring it home.  It’s found a new home on my counter.  I’m sure, your new mixer will find its new home a happy one, and I will use it and so will you.

Momma today was surprised to see me, although I had told her yesterday, I would be there to get her up.   She rallied and was full of giggles when I finally got her cleaned up and ready for the day.   It was fun for me to see her on a day I normally would not.

I did have to laugh, when I was getting ready to give her a round of meds and she was “reading” the paper.  I asked her about the story she was so intensely reading.  She told me about it, funny though, the paper was upside down.  Hmmm, I had already read the paper, and she was correct in her telling of the story.  Can people read things upside down?  I don’t know for sure if they can, but Momma did.

All in all it’s been a good day for me, and I’m so thankful for those. Sometimes, its little things that our parents do for us, and we do for them, that are the best.

Love ya Daddy, and Momma too.  Just so the rest of my family does not feel left out, I love y’all with all that I am, and then some……

 

Happy Father’s Day!

This post is dedicated to my Dad, aka The Farmer.   What can I say?  I have been Blessed to have the BEST Dad on the earth.  Of coarse everyone thinks that their Dad is tops, and rightly so.

For me, My Dad is something.  My Dad has raised me from birth, by himself, at times.  He did the best he could with what he had.  That’s not to say my Beloved Grandma B. did not step up at times, nor my Aunt Sara too.

Sometimes, I put myself in his shoes, and I’d just like to say, he tried, very hard.  I guess it was a plus, I was more of a tomboy, than a “girlie girl”.  I mean seriously, when you are growing up, and have “girl” things happen and are mortified, because you think you are dying, and your Dad sucks it up and “explains” about how you are now becoming a woman.   It must have been uncomfortable for him, I’m sure.

My Dad has ALWAYS been there for me.  There were times when I was growing up, I thought we were not normal, because it was just him and I.  Most families I knew, had a Mama and a Dad, I just had a Dad.    I learned early, how to cook, because..well, while Dad CAN cook, it wasn’t always pleasant.  I learned how to clean house and also to do laundry, and we had a great relationship.  He was ALWAYS my Dad and would not hesitate to kick my butt if I needed it.  Although to be truthful, IF I turned on the water works when he went for his belt, I didn’t get my butt smacked.

My Dad was the first person I would turn to if I was in trouble, and he always came through.    When I finally did leave home, and thanks be to the heavens, because when I left, I had racked up about a $500. phone bill, and when he got the bill, I could hear him screaming my name.

But, I have to be honest here, I was the perfect child.  (smirk).  Okay, who fell for that one?

In my later years, my Dad is not only my Dad, he is my best friend.  With the passing of years, we are more friends than I ever thought possible.  While we are drawn to each other helping my Momma Annie, we both have the same thoughts. And the funny thing is, somewhere along the line, while he still takes care of me, I can also take care of him.

It’s like a circle.  Growing up, I did the laundry and the cooking and the cleaning, and now, I do the cooking and the laundry and the cleaning.  hehehe.  I also have some power.  Dad has had his John Deere privileges taken away after creaming the garage door not once but twice now.   I promised I would not bust him out, and while I have not said exactly what happened, I still kept my promise.  But the garage door is toast…..

There are just to many things I could say, but the biggest one, is I love my Dad to the moon and back.

So I will say this, to the Farmer, Thank you for my life, thank you for giving me life, thank you for being a major part of my life, and thank you for being my friend and Dad.    While I don’t always agree with you and we may get into some “scuffles” over our difference of opinions, you are and always will be my best friend, My Dad.  Happy Father’s Day Dad.

And to all the other Dad’s out there, Happy Father’s Day to you too.  To my Electrician, you are a wonderful Dad, and Happy Father’s Day to you too.

 

Guest post…..AGAIN…

DSCN4162Hey y’all, it’s me…Ms. Baby, or as Mom calls me, “Fat cat”.

I’ve had a very productive day.  My Mom stayed home with me today, well she did go out for a bit, but it was okay, I was ready for my nap by then.

My Mom was still asleep after my Dad left this morning.  He told me to let her sleep, so I did, for a bit.  How long does a Momma need to sleep for?  I went in and woke her up, because I wanted some food, and cuddles.

Mom goofed around and did something called “cleaning”, but her and I took time out today to have some cuddles.  She washed the sheets on the bed, and we had our favorite game, I “helped” her make the bed with clean sheets.  I like how they smell.

Around noon or something like that, I wanted to go outside, so Mom let me out, and I noticed something.  Every bird in the neighborhood was visiting our middle hanging plant on our porch.  I laid underneath it, not quite sure what was going on, and Mom kept her eye on me.  Something was happening.

Mom said the birds were singing, because of an “event”.  Whatever that means.  This evening, I went outside again, and got busted in the garden by my Dad, he made me come inside, and I heard Mom and Dad talking.

Apparently the robin bird that has made her nest ON MY PLANT on the porch, had her babies tonite.  Mom said she looked from the top of the deck and there are 2 little baby birds in the nest.

Hmmm….I may have to lay underneath the nest for a bit, baby birds have to fly sometime, and I’ll be waiting.  Okay, who am I kidding, My Mom and Dad will have my skin, if I do something to a baby bird, but it might be fun to be a “God mother” or something…….

 

WOW…what a weekend….

I know y’all are probably tired of me saying how Blessed I am, but gosh darn it, I feel it.  So much at times, that it outweighs the bad in my life.  Does that even make sense?  There are areas of my life that are totally tragic, and filled with doom and gloom.  But then, there are areas of my life that are so fun-filled and action packed, I can hardly contain myself.

Cam-man spent the night at my house last night.  It was a pre-planned event.  His parents needed a “date night” and plus to be honest, The Electrician and I wanted him to spend the night.  When Cam came over, we had a surprise for him.  After giving the Fisher dude a hug and kiss, he left and then the fun started.

We had a garage sale a couple of weeks ago, and Cam-man mentioned that he wanted a Sand box, with our profits from the garage sale.  The Electrician diligently searched the internet, and we found the best deal.  We ordered it and it arrived, the Electrician picked it and some sand up, and it was ready and waiting.

DSCN4515Cam Man was introduced to his Sandbox, and it was a hit.  Little dude, was all smiles, kicked off his shoes, and dug right in.  But he did ask his Papa, “You play with me Papa?”

 

 

 

 

DSCN4519Guess who climbed into the sandbox with Cam Man?  Yup…..his papa, and they both gave me the “face”.  The only thing I could do was giggle, simply because we did hand prints, foot prints, and Cam wanted to do face prints, but I drew the line at that one.

DSCN4522Next thing on the agenda was a boat ride.  Cam was totally up for this, after Papa gave him his life vest.  Cam cannot swim, and Papa was determined if the ship went down, little dude would be safe.  I cannot believe MY tongue was out for this picture.    We had a blast on the paddle boat, and Cam was a trooper.  He didn’t like the fact that maybe Jo was the reason Papa fell into the pond, but he sure giggled when instead of peddling forward, I pedaled backwards when we trying to go ashore.  OOPS, sorry Papa (hehehe not really, this was after he paddled me into the tree’s).  When we finally made it to shore, Cam helped “dock” the boat, and was ready for his bubble bath.

We had popped popcorn and Monster’s Inc. was on the t.v. and it was cool for a few, but Papa had been following the Blackhawks hockey team on the computer, and when it went into overtime, well….. Shoot in my house anything SPORTS rules.  Papa asked me turn on the t.v. in the bedroom because anything sports in my house has got to be seen.  Papa went into the bedroom and was watching Hockey, when Cam noticed he was gone, he asked me “Where’s Papa?”.  I told him, “in the other room buddy watching hockey”.  duh…it was on then….

DSCN4525I ended up in the front room watching Monsters Inc. and those two were on MY bed watching Hockey.

Needless to say, the Blackhawks won, and Cam fell asleep on the couch and I fell asleep on his bed, right next to the couch.  During the night Papa woke up, every time I rolled over, and Cam eventually rolled  off the couch onto me.

Cam and I snuggled all night, and when he woke up, I had to giggle.  His first words, “where is Papa?”, as papa came out of our room, Cam wiped the sleep out of his eyes, and gave me his “B”.  Priceless.   A few minutes later Cam arrived and sat on me with his bowl of oranges.  Papa, doesn’t have the advantage I do, and he improvised.  I got a cup of coffee with a bowl of oranges.

We all got ready and headed off to Church.   There is a Part 2 to this story, I will post the rest of it tomorrow, because between you and me, I’m tired and wiped.    I will tell you this, “Grandkids fill  a place you never knew was empty, until they arrived.”

Tomorrow is Cam Man’s b-day, we’ve got some surprise’s in store for that kid….

Before I go for the night I just want to say something.   To ALL of my kids, if I gave birth to you or not, I love ALL OF Y’ALL,  some of you have surprised me, and I am thankful for all of you.    ALL of  my kids have Blessed me in one way or another.

I am not just Blessed because of the Electrician, who goodness knows took me at my worst and has helped me to be my best, But to my Dad, who well, he gave the seed that was planted, and has helped me grow, and ALWAYS been my biggest follower, But to ALL the people who have helped me to be what I am, and also what I am growing into.   I have found, when you are so Blessed, you need to give Thanks, so I am giving Thanks to all of you.  Some of you don’t even realize that you have helped me.  To you, I say with a heartfelt Thank you.  I am Blessed.

 

Bird’s Eye view…(Guest post)

Hey y’all, it’s me again…Ms. baby AKA, fat cat….

baby aug 09 002My Mom wanted to tell this story, but it is all mine to tell.  If you read Mom’s blog, you will know, I tried to catch a baby bird a few weeks ago, and got “dive bombed” by every bird in the neighborhood.

I don’t understand what the problem is.  I. AM. A. CAT.    Cats catch mice (haven’t you ever watched the Tom & Jerry Cartoon?)  But, we also like birds.    I have a hunters instinct about these things.  As my Mom say’s,  I am a cat.

I personally think these birds around my “hood” like to torture me, simply because they know my Mom and Dad won’t let me catch them.   Ha, I got news for my parents……

The past few years, my 2 legged siblings, buy Mom a hanging basket, that she loves, Dad waters it to keep it alive, and I do like the smell of the pretty flowers.    Well, I guess those birds like it too, because for the past couple of years, they have made a nest in it, and had babies.

This year,  A Momma Robin has decided to set up her nest in the middle basket, and I’ve been keeping tabs on her, one of her relatives flew straight at Dad and almost landed on his nose, so I have to watch out for him.  Baby birds are sort of clumsy, when they first start to fly, and that’s when I watch them closely.

DSCN4500This is the Momma bird, that has set up her house in my Mom’s plants.  She takes breaks from sitting on her nest, and I ALWAYS get yelled at, when she does this.  Pfft….I don’t want the Mom.  Dad and Mom always yell at me to behave, when she leaves the nest.  Like I am going to get her or anything.  Shoot, All her relatives that are around would probably hurt me.  I’ve been dive-bombed before.

DSCN4498This is the Mom hanging out at the basket right next to her “babies”, heck, they are still eggs at this point.  There are 2 of them, so things will be chirping up a storm here soon.

DSCN4501This is the Mom in her nest, that she made, and gets mad at Dad, whenever he waters the plant, that she is nesting in.  I lay underneath the basket every time I go outside, just in case, something falls out of it, and I can “save” whatever falls.

There are some other things hanging out around my house lately, and they look like this.

DSCN4504Now me, I love when Mom makes fried chicken, I wonder if I catch these, will she fry them up for me?  They look like big chickens to me.  I tried to catch one once.  Dad and Mom laughed at me, pfft.  If I really wanted to I could catch one of these.

But, I’m Ms. Baby AKA fat cat, and I don’t feel like running THAT hard after them.

Stay tuned, and I’ll let you know when the babies hatch, and start to fly, ahem, umm, start to leave the nest.

prrrrrrrrrr, I’m going to bed now with Mom and Dad now, someone has to keep their feet warm at night.

My Day…(Guest Post)

Hey y’all  this is me….

baby3 003

I’m mom’s 4 legged baby, and that’s funny because my name is Ms. baby.  Mom is letting me post because I have had a day.

In my world, I eat, sleep, poop, and run after stuff.  I get mom up every morning by kicking her legs while she sleeps, (it’s only fair, she kicks me when she sleeps, because I sleep at the end of the bed.)

Apparently Mom and Dad made an appointment for me a few weeks ago and today was the day.  They did not however, tell me about it.   Before I start in about that, I really need to let my displeasure known about how Dad took MY table away from me for some garage sale they are having at my 2 legged sister’s house.  What the heck?  That table is my life line to “my t.v.” which I guess is AKA the downstairs window.  Now mind you, Dad did rig up some contraption and my box is still in front of the window, but it wobbles, and well after my visit today, I may be a little overweight, and, although I have 9 lives, I’m not using them trying to jump onto that thing.

That brings me back to today, I started my morning off normal, although mom did not leave when she was supposed to, but I didn’t care.  She fed me and gave me treats this morning, and I was lounging in my usual spot.  MY room.  Hey if they can have a room , so can I.  I have a bed with my special blanket on it and pillows too.

I thought it was a little odd, when Mom came in and started loving on me, and then she scooped me up into her arms.  I’m used to her scooping me up, but she was whispering things to me and I got nervous.  When we got to the bottom of the stairs, I noticed, she had her hand over my eyes, What the heck?

I don’t like my Mom right now.  She set my happy fat butt into a Cat carrier and then SHE LOCKED THE DOOR.  She picked me up and put me into that thing she loves ALMOST as much as me, and shut the door.  By now, I am pissed and howling, like there is no tomorrow.  Mom told me to hush and it wasn’t going to be bad, but HEY, where the heck is she taking me?  The last time I was in this thing, I got shots and all kinds of other horrors.  The Doctor looked up my butt, and EXCUSE me, but well…some things are private.

Mom played the radio, and jeez, do I really have to listen to her stuff?  Put on some Stray Cats for goodness sake.  I did notice what direction I was going in, so if she has planned to drop me off, I can find my way home.

That’s it, Mom’s a dead Mom when I get home.  She brought me to that place called the Vets.  I knew it as soon as she carried me in.  The smell, I shut my mouth.  They took me into a room and shut both doors and then Mom told me to come out.  She’s my Mom, so I did, and when she wrapped her arms around me, I hid in her armpit.  If I could have climbed into her shirt, I would have.  I don’t like the Vet.

Pfft…I’m not sure why I worried, this was a walk in the park.  I got weighed (yea, I may be a fat cat, but I’m a happy one).  The Vet told Mom that I have big bones and while my legs may be short, I am still something to be reckoned with.  I have not gained any weight, nor lost any weight, and I am a healthy fat cat.  I got my shots, AND nobody looked at my butt.  (Whew).

Momma took me home, and I had to show my displeasure over the whole experience, so I growled and snarled at her.

I’m over it, I had to show her how much I loved her tonite, and I did, AFTER she put my treats out.

DSCN2853

It’s a good thing that I only do this once a year.  But something tells me next year is gonna be a bunch worse, because I am now “classified” as a senior kitty, whatever that means.  But after listening to Mom and Dad talk, I may get something from a place called AARP about a senior discount card,   I hope it works for kitty treats, because I can never get enough of those…..

Unsettled……

Well….here it is another late night, where sleep escapes me.  The Electrician is fast asleep and snoring (but I did not say that ok?)  We are having some weird weather here where I live.  Ms. Baby has just come out of whatever room she was sleeping in and followed me down the stairs.

Ms. Baby is a baby when it comes to thunder storms and rain.    Usually she hides underneath the bed, but tonite, she is keeping vigil by my side laying on the floor at my feet.  Although at that last clap of thunder, I think she wanted to jump on my lap, but then gave me a “look”, like “pfft….I’m not scared, hey Mom can I sit in your lap?”.  So, I am now typing with a 14 lb kitty in my lap.

I have started taking these late nights, and turning them into a reflection of my day.  I go over my day in my mind, and just be happy at some things, sad at others, and accepting of the events of the day.  I know I am Blessed by so many things in my life.  I know this, but sometimes, it does not make the journey any easier.

I got a call this morning, and some people truly do not understand, that when I get a call from the Farmer’s house at odd times, my stomach truly does travel up into my mouth.  With a very tentative “hello”, the first thing I heard was “Jo?  It’s okay nothing is wrong”.   My breath left my body in a very audible “whoosh”.  After the conversation, I finished what I had going and travelled over to the Farmer’s earlier than what I had expected.

The Farmer went to do his errands, and I took care of Momma, while yesterday, she was okay, today, she was not.    While it was still relatively early, I got a call from Caregiver Beth, we talked for a few and got some things ironed out.  She see’s some of the things I have been talking about, and she is worried.

While I would like to say, in my reflection of the day, was great, I can’t.    Sometimes, I really wish I “knew” what the “plan” was.   I’m not sad, I’m not over joyed, I’m numb.  That’s not a good place for me.

I think I would have been okay with today, if Momma had not asked me when I left “Are they going to take my Family away from me?”  When I asked her who was trying to take her family away, I got “the lady that stares at the ceiling”.

While I know in my mind, I should not take some of these things to “heart”, sometimes it’s a hard thing to do.  I have no formal training, and sometimes, while I like to THINK, I have the answers, I don’t.  So, I do, what has become the normal for me, and I wing it.   I seem to be getting really good at that.

By the time I left, Momma was smiling and giggling, and giving me a kiss goodbye.The Farmer was sitting in his chair, reading manuals, and being totally pleased with his stuff.

The Electrician and I had a “normal” evening for us.  Things are ok, but I still feel unsettled, I can’t describe it, but it is a feeling that I have. (That and a 14 lb kitty in my lap, that I am afraid to move to wake her up, because now SHE is snoring).

I know that tomorrow evening I will have some giggles, because it will be Wednesday and Cam-man will come into my house with a swag, and shouting PAPA at the top of his little lungs, although he will throw some hugs and kisses my way too.

Although from the sound of this post, I’m not okay, I really truly am, just a little unsettled.  Can’t put my finger on it, but I have faith, and I know it will be okay.