Unsettled……
Well….here it is another late night, where sleep escapes me. The Electrician is fast asleep and snoring (but I did not say that ok?) We are having some weird weather here where I live. Ms. Baby has just come out of whatever room she was sleeping in and followed me down the stairs.
Ms. Baby is a baby when it comes to thunder storms and rain. Usually she hides underneath the bed, but tonite, she is keeping vigil by my side laying on the floor at my feet. Although at that last clap of thunder, I think she wanted to jump on my lap, but then gave me a “look”, like “pfft….I’m not scared, hey Mom can I sit in your lap?”. So, I am now typing with a 14 lb kitty in my lap.
I have started taking these late nights, and turning them into a reflection of my day. I go over my day in my mind, and just be happy at some things, sad at others, and accepting of the events of the day. I know I am Blessed by so many things in my life. I know this, but sometimes, it does not make the journey any easier.
I got a call this morning, and some people truly do not understand, that when I get a call from the Farmer’s house at odd times, my stomach truly does travel up into my mouth. With a very tentative “hello”, the first thing I heard was “Jo? It’s okay nothing is wrong”. My breath left my body in a very audible “whoosh”. After the conversation, I finished what I had going and travelled over to the Farmer’s earlier than what I had expected.
The Farmer went to do his errands, and I took care of Momma, while yesterday, she was okay, today, she was not. While it was still relatively early, I got a call from Caregiver Beth, we talked for a few and got some things ironed out. She see’s some of the things I have been talking about, and she is worried.
While I would like to say, in my reflection of the day, was great, I can’t. Sometimes, I really wish I “knew” what the “plan” was. I’m not sad, I’m not over joyed, I’m numb. That’s not a good place for me.
I think I would have been okay with today, if Momma had not asked me when I left “Are they going to take my Family away from me?” When I asked her who was trying to take her family away, I got “the lady that stares at the ceiling”.
While I know in my mind, I should not take some of these things to “heart”, sometimes it’s a hard thing to do. I have no formal training, and sometimes, while I like to THINK, I have the answers, I don’t. So, I do, what has become the normal for me, and I wing it. I seem to be getting really good at that.
By the time I left, Momma was smiling and giggling, and giving me a kiss goodbye.The Farmer was sitting in his chair, reading manuals, and being totally pleased with his stuff.
The Electrician and I had a “normal” evening for us. Things are ok, but I still feel unsettled, I can’t describe it, but it is a feeling that I have. (That and a 14 lb kitty in my lap, that I am afraid to move to wake her up, because now SHE is snoring).
I know that tomorrow evening I will have some giggles, because it will be Wednesday and Cam-man will come into my house with a swag, and shouting PAPA at the top of his little lungs, although he will throw some hugs and kisses my way too.
Although from the sound of this post, I’m not okay, I really truly am, just a little unsettled. Can’t put my finger on it, but I have faith, and I know it will be okay.
Guest post, from Ms. Baby
Hey y’all, this is me, Ms. Baby. My Mom has been having a hard time posting lately, there are to many things happening with her, and she does not want to come across all sad, and confused and stuff, so she asked me to post on her blog, so her readers would know she was still alive.
First off, this is me in the picture. I was trying to do my “sexy” pose, so I could get more treats. For some reason my Mom and Dad looked at me and laughed. How rude. Since Mom is giving me my own time on her blog there are some things I would like to address, and hope she reads this so I can get my point across.
First, if my paw touches it, it’s mine. That includes everything and if I happen to put my paw on your plate, it’s mine. Seriously.
Secondly, I think my Mom is cheating on me with some other kitties. The reason I say this, she is gone all day long, and then when she finally does get home, she has the smell of other kitties. What the heck, She is supposed to be a one kitty woman!
And another thing, I am supposed to be able to go outside in the morning and then in the evening. I usually don’t go far, just in the backyard for a couple of minutes, I like to eat the grass. I don’t like to go that far after that time the birds in neighborhood dive bombed my butt. For some unknown reason, they only let me out for about a minute in the morning and then a minute in the afternoon. Dad said something about not trying to heat the outside with our heat, whatever that means, pfft, I have a fur coat for crying out loud, it doesn’t affect me.
That’s another thing, Mom is falling off on her job of brushing me. I have a mat in my fur, what the heck is that about? I try really hard to get to all of my parts, but I may (cough, cough..uhmm…furball) have missed a spot.
I heard something too, the other day, and then that thing they use to take me out of the house showed up in the garage, which by the way is my domain. I have a window that is all mine and I sit in and guard the house for Mom and Dad. But this thing showed up and I heard whispers of the “Vet”. Now, I am here to tell you, That’s not gonna happen. I will hide under the bed and they will have no chance of getting me out. I don’t like the Vet. period.
I really don’t understand my Mom and Dad, they truly think THEY run this house. hehehe…They don’t know much. I am an alarm clock, when they sleep to late. I go in and kick them awake. I chase them up and down the stairs to make sure they stay healthy and all’s I ask for is a little treat now and then….
It’s a hard job, but I do the best I can. It’s hard taking care of these humans. Especially, since they are my Mom and Dad. But I know when they are upset, and I do my best to keep things going.
So, for all of you wondering, Mom is okay, she just needs a little break, and Dad is taking care of her, with my assistance. Don’t worry, she will be back in a couple of days and bore you to tears…..no problem… Until then, this is Ms. Baby signing off…..Thanks Mom for letting me post!
From My heart….
I’ve had a hard time lately, trying to figure out what I was going to post about. It’s like I lost my “blogging mojo” so to speak. With so much going on in my life right now, I’ve kind of stepped back. While I have pretty much laid it all out there for all of you to take this journey with me, I’ve found lately, I’ve been smacked in the face with some things that are to personnal to put out into my blogging world.
I guess, it’s because this blog has been written from my heart, and I truly don’t know what I am going to blog about, until I sit down at my computer. This blog has helped me to express, my feelings over some situations that are hard for me to go through. It’s become my outlet, so to speak.
I did not realize how much it meant to me, until last night. Yesterday, I was hit with a situation that tore me up. I wanted to blog about it, but, my internet went down last night at about 6 pm. We even called the Fisher Dude to come over and try to help us get it back up and running.
After being on the phone for umpteen hours, we were advised that the problem was at their end and not ours. Psst… Thanks to the NURSE for letting us kidnap her husband for a bit.
Yes, I said NURSE, The Nursing student is still a “student” so to speak, But at this time she has achieved her LPN, status, and is working towards her RN status. Her Father and I are very proud of her.
But yet again, I am sidetracked. Last night, when I could not blog, I wrote a letter in my notes, on my computer. I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it. I felt I had to write it, and I am a little hesitant with sharing it with y’all. I will do it, simply because, No One should feel this way. I am opening myself up, and I hope someone hears the message
“I am a tortured soul. I received a phone call this morning that has torn me in two. Sometimes, a Mother does not know what her child needs, and we get all torn up inside and only hope and pray we know what to do. Me? Nope, I have no idea at this point.
I got a phone call this morning from my youngest son. I was a little startled. “Mom, I saw Dad this morning”. Uhmm “what?”
Let me just advise y’all that “Dad” committed suicide about 3 years ago.
“What the heck are you talking about?” I asked, fear surrounding me. Yes, my youngest son tried to follow in his Father’s footsteps. I get chills just talking about it, and I am so torn I’m not sure what to do.
I gave him my faith, and told him over and over , “No, No, No”. I also told him, when he said it was unsuccessful, that God has oh so many plans for him.
I don’t know how to respond to this. I am totally floored, and am in unfamiliar territory. I don’t know what to say or
do to make it right. I’ve been told by other’s it’s not up to me to make it right.
I’m praying so hard right now, I can’t even begin to tell you. The Electrician has asked me all day if I am okay. I don’t think I am. I am not trying to put myself on the pity pot, I am a very strong person. I am lifting the whole situation up to God, and am praying fiercely that he will take care of my son. I’ve also prayed to my son’s Father. Don’t let him follow in your footsteps.
I have faith, and I am floundering. I realize that I like to control situations, and I have accepted the fact there are some situations I cannot control.
I’m not trying to control this one, because simply I have accepted I have no control, But, at the same token. God take care of my Baby, and let him know there are always other answers, than ending his life. While there is pain, let him know that He is loved, by YOU and also by me. Amen.
I learned a long time ago, that it is going to get worse before it gets better, but at the same token. I believe.
I have typed this tonite into my notebook, simply because I am having internet problems, if I choose to print this when I get my internet back, well…okay, if I choose not to, well okay.
But I have learned some things through my blogging, and that is I have to write about the emotion before it eats me up and spits me out.
This one is a slow killing me softly so to speak. Because truly I do not know how to act, or react, or just be. This one has hurt me, that my Son feels he cannot go on.
I’m angry, hurt, frustrated, and so very sad. That the only legacy or message my ex-husband could leave my kids, was if it gets tough, and hard to live through life, then end it.
What the heck kind of message is that? Jimney Christmas, life is hard, sometimes it truly sucks, but you keep on plugging and go through it.
If you have pain, in your life, fix it, or understand it, Don’t Give up.
To my Son, I say this, You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You’ve had a hard burden you have carried, LET IT GO, YOU are not your Father, YOU have a future, if you just open your eyes, and your heart, and forget all of the other BULLSHIT. I Love you with all of my heart, sometimes I cannot always come through for you, but please, do not kill me by ending your life.
Christmas Traditions……
When the kids were small, the Christmas traditions were easy. But somewhere along the line, the kids grew up, got married and started to have their own families. I think I am turning into the Farmer. At least I think I am starting to feel like he did when I moved away from home, and started my own family.
We all have those memories of when we were kids, and the Christmas traditions we went through. From getting the tree, and decorating it, from marking down the days on the Calender when Santa would come visit our house, Making the cookies and setting them out with a glass of milk, and then trying to sleep Christmas eve.
To growing up, and having Christmas with our own little kids and full filling their dreams of Santa. To trying to spend time with all of our families. Sometimes, our families were miles apart and we had to make due with phone calls, and making new Christmas traditions.
This year, we’ve started new traditions, and are doing new things. With our blended family spread out all over, it makes the time we have together even more special.
This year, we have a new daughter in the family, our family is growing in leaps and bounds. But, our “family” Christmas was tonite, because we had to get together when we all could. This year, the oldest daughter, The Nursing student “hosted” the festivities at her house, the one she moved into about a month ago.
It was a celebration with both the Fisher Dude’s family and ours, and it was loud, full of giggles, and just a great time, with plenty of food, and just an over all good time. I think even the puppies had a good time. Especially when I went into the kitchen and Bella was nosing on the counter. Grandma Sue gave both puppies a bite of ham.
This is the first of the next few nights to come. Tomorrow, we are attending Church and seeing both Grandbabies participating in the Church program. Dinner is leftovers at the Nursing Student‘s house. Christmas Eve is at my house with the Nursing Student and Grand baby boys, the menu is appetizers delite. Christmas day will be spent at the Farmer’s house with him and Momma.
I think I am kind of liking spreading it out over a few days. Instead of just one day to celebrate, we are making it a couple. With new families, and growing families, this is kind of fun.
Memories of a Legacy….
While I’ve had a really good day, I’ve been given some stuff to think about. I had a conversation today with someone who has known me since I was about little to nothing. This person is a year older than me, and I have always looked up to her.
Our lives took different paths, but we were truly like sisters. We are related, just from different ends of the gene pool. We both have a similar upbringing, from the same family values. Both of us both have the same feeling, that we are all that’s left of a legacy.
How do you deal with that? While we talked on the phone, and both giggled over silly stuff, both of us were brought back to a happier time in our lives. We talked about, summer’s spent together, different cousin’s and things we did.
We talked about jumping off the docks into the lake, and learning to swim. We talked about having both of our Dad’s who were best friends and cousins too, give us hugs and laughing at both of our antics.
Time passes and we both became adults. She became someone who has a career and is everything I am not. I became a mother and a housewife, and Caregiver, every thing she isn’t. But, at the same token, we are both kind of the same.
We both decided that we have come from a very prominent family, and they did a lot of good for the town that they lived in. It’s kind of hard sometimes to live up to the Legacy. But between her and I we decided we would do the best we could.
We have tall shoes to fill, and we both kind of decided that we cannot fill those shoes, but what we could do, was to remember every bit of our growing up years and rejoice in them.
I guess times are a bit different from when I was a kid. A bunch of stuff that meant something when I was growing up, does not mean that much now. I spent time with my cousins, and my Grandparents, and I did not keep myself entertained by the internet, or technology. We chased firefly’s with a mason jar, jumped off the docks into a pond, and just giggled over silly stuff. We did not rely on the t.v, or the internet, or any of that other stuff to keep us busy. We would go out into the corn field, and just act crazy, or go to a cousin’s ball game and rejoice that they won, and commiserate when they lost, I seem to remember pizza was always involved..
I guess I am getting off track here, because while I understand my heritage, I’m not quite sure how to keep it going. I can tell my kids about it, but they really don’t care. That truly saddens me. I guess they got more of their Dad’s gene pool than mine.
I guess, in my conversation today, both her and I want to leave OUR mark, just not our parents mark. Don’t get me wrong in any way shape or form, because both her and my parents and our Grandparents have truly left something of a Legacy, I think we both want to as well…
Sometimes, I wish “Back to the Future” was an event I could attend. I would make some changes, and then there are some things I would not change.
I guess part of getting older and dealing with these changes is a part of life. I’m sure at one point or another, our parents have said it too. Life goes on and so do we, I guess I just don’t want to lose The Legacy of what I’ve been given.
The memories, I cherish, the Love, I feel, the family, I’m loosing, the Angels, I have.
Someday, there is going to be a major reunion up in heaven, and while I still have my time left here, I seriously am ready for that party, cuz it’s gonna be a big one.
A Heavy Heart….
As we approach this Veteran’s Day, I find my heart heavy. I received news tonite, that one of my favorite cousin‘s had passed away this morning.
Richard Burwash, or as we all knew him by Dick. My earliest memories were of spending time at his house with his daughter Carol. Carol and I are almost exactly 1 year apart. Cousin’s always seem to be your best friends while growing up.
When the Farmer called to tell me, he was in tears, and I immediately teared up. The poor Electrician thought something had happened to Momma, and he was a little teary too. While the Electrician is asking me desperately “IS IT YOUR MOMMA?”, I shook my head no, and he blew out a big puff of air.
If you follow my blog, you will remember I posted about 2 weeks ago, about my cousin who had went on the Central Illinois Honor Flight to our nations Capital with his daughter. This would be Dick.
Dick was a mainstay in the Community he lived in. He donated, corn on the cob, that he grew every year to the Lions Club. He loved to meet his Farming buddies for coffee first thing in the morning. And there are to many other events and donations attributed to him.
The Farmer, just saw him about 2 weeks ago, as a matter of fact, it was the day after he had returned from The Honor Flight. While I say that cousins are your best friends, Dad and Dick were best friends.
While I understand at the age of 94, it is time for you to go, my family has longevity on its side. It never the less hurts those that are left behind.
A comment has stuck in my mind that the Farmer told me “There are not many of us older one’s left”. I look around and realize that he is right. I’ve seen a bunch go as I get older. It saddens me. But each and every one of those that have left, have made some type of mark on the community, and in my heart.
The corn-on-the-cob in my freezer is thanks to Dick. The funny thing, that hit me earlier, was I had a memory that surfaced. It was from my Uncle Art, (Dick’s Dad) he only had a thumb on one hand because the rest of his fingers had been taken off from a corn picker. I don’t remember how old I was, but I was sitting on his lap in my Grandma’s house and I had cookies and he was tickling me. When I think about it, Dick looked just like his Dad and even spoke like his Dad when he was older.
I’m not to sure I like getting older, and I’m sure my parents have felt this way too. I guess as one generation grows up, we have to let another generation go. But, I have memories, and I will pass them on to all of my children and Grandchildren.
This Veteran’s day, I will say a prayer as I normally do, I will also thank past Veteran’s, and also my fellow Veteran’s. But my heart is truly hurt over loosing one Veteran of WWII, who did his part and then some.
To My Veteran Father, I love you, and I thank you for your Service to our country.
To My cousin Dick aka Richard Burwash, I Love you too, and I thank you for your Service to our country. May you be up in heaven having a party with your wife, your Dad and my Grandma, and if she bakes you cookies, save me one.
Stand Up and Stop the Madness..a Year Later…
I wrote a post almost a year ago… The title of the post was “Time to Stand Up and STOP the Madness” It really stopped me in my tracks at the time. You see, I guess I never realized the depth of the problem. Bullying IS a problem, that continues today. The fact that today as I type this, the statistics are unacceptable.
I asked one of Ashlynn Conner’s relatives to write for me, partly because I wanted to put her story out there, partly to help ease the pain that they all still feel to this day. November 11, 2011, Ashlynn Conner took her own life due to bullying. This is one of her relatives, Kaylee Jo Hughes story…. Thank you to Kaylee for writing and also Thank you for Sharing…
Many of you seen it on the news. We know the story reached across the nation and to parts of Europe even. A few heard the rumors. So little of you know the pain. I’m here today to share the truth. It softens my hard exterior to repeat this story. Yet I am aware that it is something I must continue to do. The message needs to be kept alive. This is a pain I would wish on no other.
Day 6….Thankful for my Kids….
Day 6… I am thankful for ALL of my kids. I gave birth to 2 of them, but I have 5.
To my first-born: You were a surprise… I loved you with all of my being, you were a lot like me, but a bunch of your Dad thrown in. Somewhere along the line, you became your own person, with a bunch of I don’t know what thrown into the works. While you and I don’t see eye to eye, I tried with you Maybe not as hard as I could, but I did what I could with what I had, I just didn’t expect you to fight me as much as you did. I also did not expect you to hurt me as much as you have.
To my second one born: You were the apple of my eye. I know a Mother is not supposed to have favorites, but I guess I kinda did. You have been through a bunch during your years, and I still treasure the way, you call me up and just want to “talk”. You are a special person, and I am proud of the man you are becoming. I’m glad that you have found a purpose in life, and are truly starting to be happy.
To My Oldest Son …I am truly thankful, that You came into my life. You are a truly awesome Young man. While we have had a “different” relationship, I am truly proud of the man you have become, and now that you are starting your life with a Wife, I wish nothing but happiness for both of you.
To My oldest daughter….There was a reason I never gave birth to girls, I wasn’t sure how to act with girls. I have loved you since I began dating your Dad. You and I have had our differences. I have loved you though, more than if I did give birth to you. I have been allowed to be your friend first, your step-mother second, and while we’ve had our “ups” and “downs”, I have truly been honored to be a part of “your” family. I say “your family”, Because not only do I have you, but your husband and your 2 boys as well. You’ve allowed me to become a Grandmother to your 2 boys, and that seriously rocks…
To My Youngest daughter….I have watched you grow up into a young woman, from a very young girl. I have spent countless vacations with you, and watched you blossom. We too, have had our “ups & downs”, but I hope you know how much I love you, and also how proud of you I am.
To all of you, each and every one of you have Blessed my life in one way or another. While I may not have always been the “best” Mother, I’ve tried my best. I am thankful for each of you, in different ways. But I want you all to know, I love each and every one of you.
Day 5….
Day 5, I am thankful for my Parents. I am 51 and still have both parents. A lot of people my age have lost one or both. I am Thankful that I still have the Farmer and Momma.
From all the memories I have growing up as a child, Thank you Dad! From all the memories I have after Momma came into the Family, thank you Momma!
To both of them, thank you for everything you have taught me, and continue to teach me.
To the Farmer, Thank you for being the BEST Dad, a girl could ever have, and thank you so much for the deep friendship that we share now. Although at times, it seems like role reversal, and me yelling at you for sneaking candy bars, and also for tracking on the floor, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
To Momma, while I wish you were your former self, without PD, I do see signs of you in there, particularly, your sense of humor, and the twinkling of your eyes.
Family..It’s complicated….
You can choose your friends, you can choose the people you hang out with, but you cannot choose your Family.
But you know what? Your Family is just that….family. Be it Step Father, Step Mother, step brother, step sister, half-brother, half-sister, whatever. Family is family.
I have been honored with 2 step-Mothers in my life. I’m not sure exactly what “Step” means other than the fact these women did not give birth to me. But ya know what? I know that both of these women loved me like they had given birth to me.
My first Step-Mother, Dorothy, my father married when I was about 2 or 3 years old. She cared for me as her own all through out my “early years”. unfortunately for us, she died when I was about 11 or 12, I seriously cannot remember, those were dark years for me. I say this because Dad and I actually talked about her today. Sometimes, when someone passes away, you never forget them, and while sometimes it may be a different thing in your life, you always remember them.
From her, I learned oh so much. She raised me the best way she knew how, and I am not lacking anything from it other than missing her over the years.
My Momma now? I would not trade her for anything. I have always thought that God brings people into your life when you need them, and they can teach you as well as you teach them.
My Momma has been my Momma for the last 31 years, which on record, means she’s stuck with me the longest (Besides my Dad). When she first came into our lives, I was the bratty little teenager who thought I knew it all. Boy was I mistaken. Momma was patient and tolerant, and just what the Farmer and I needed in our lives.
While the Farmer and Momma had a life I only know about through the “telling” and pictures, there are times I have felt I was there . I know they always came to visit me at least once a year if not twice. I have pictures and memories to prove it.
When I truly needed the Farmer and Momma, they came through for me, and for that I am eternally grateful. You see, they saved me from a situation that is better left unsaid. The fact that Momma opened up her home to me, and we became the best of friends during that time, has sustained me through some of the times I am going through now.
Momma was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. Parkinson‘s is not a pretty thing, it will take your guts and make you eat them and then still ask why. But ya know what? I’m here, and I’m dealing with it, as is the Farmer.
The Farmer and I truly had a heart to heart talk today. I know that I am more “up” on the situation than he is. Simply because I do not want to feel like that 11-12 year old again. This one is gonna hurt me and the Farmer, this I know, simply because of our conversation today.
But instead of what is looking at to happen, I choose today to remember good times, and the history.
The History of the Farmer asking me if I “minded” if he asked momma for her hand in marriage. I asked him before I gave permission…”Did you ask her Dad?” To the first time they both came to hold my oldest son…..Me crying when they both held my 1st son. For that fact, My grandma Ruth holding my oldest son. To the birth of my second son, and both of them coming and giving Congratulations. To pictures of the Farmer and Momma in a pool in a hotel swimming with both of my sons.
To the day I moved in with both of my son’s into their house, and thanking them for giving me a home. To the Farmer buying my Trailor and giving me the faith in myself to starting my new future.
To me finding the man of my dreams, the Electrician, and allowing me and the Electrician to getting married in Momma and the Farmer’s home with a party included.
To becoming the Step Mother to 1 son and 2 daughters that totally hated me at the time. Over time, we have made a relationship. While the road has been rocky, we’ve made it because I would not trade any of them for anything.
My son’s? While I love both of them, One has turned totally against me, not for anything I have done, but simply because he does not like “tough-love“, because while I have made decisions, so has he. I am not responsible for his, I am responsible for mine. The other one? I have stood by him, and loved him, while I do not necessarily agree with his choices, as his Momma I can only love him, and let him make his own mistakes.
I love my family, I truly do….I also love some little guy named Cam-Man with all of my heart, he has truly hit mine and his Papa’s heart, also I think he has wormed his way into the Farmer’s heart as well.
Family?…Yea, it may be complicated, but when it is all said and done….Well, they have your back, and they love you, no matter how complicated it gets…. And I am here to tell you, I love mine with all that I am….
