I’ve had a hard time lately, trying to figure out what I was going to post about. It’s like I lost my “blogging mojo” so to speak. With so much going on in my life right now, I’ve kind of stepped back. While I have pretty much laid it all out there for all of you to take this journey with me, I’ve found lately, I’ve been smacked in the face with some things that are to personnal to put out into my blogging world.
I guess, it’s because this blog has been written from my heart, and I truly don’t know what I am going to blog about, until I sit down at my computer. This blog has helped me to express, my feelings over some situations that are hard for me to go through. It’s become my outlet, so to speak.
I did not realize how much it meant to me, until last night. Yesterday, I was hit with a situation that tore me up. I wanted to blog about it, but, my internet went down last night at about 6 pm. We even called the Fisher Dude to come over and try to help us get it back up and running.
After being on the phone for umpteen hours, we were advised that the problem was at their end and not ours. Psst… Thanks to the NURSE for letting us kidnap her husband for a bit.
Yes, I said NURSE, The Nursing student is still a “student” so to speak, But at this time she has achieved her LPN, status, and is working towards her RN status. Her Father and I are very proud of her.
But yet again, I am sidetracked. Last night, when I could not blog, I wrote a letter in my notes, on my computer. I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it. I felt I had to write it, and I am a little hesitant with sharing it with y’all. I will do it, simply because, No One should feel this way. I am opening myself up, and I hope someone hears the message
“I am a tortured soul. I received a phone call this morning that has torn me in two. Sometimes, a Mother does not know what her child needs, and we get all torn up inside and only hope and pray we know what to do. Me? Nope, I have no idea at this point.
I got a phone call this morning from my youngest son. I was a little startled. “Mom, I saw Dad this morning”. Uhmm “what?”
Let me just advise y’all that “Dad” committed suicide about 3 years ago.
“What the heck are you talking about?” I asked, fear surrounding me. Yes, my youngest son tried to follow in his Father’s footsteps. I get chills just talking about it, and I am so torn I’m not sure what to do.
I gave him my faith, and told him over and over , “No, No, No”. I also told him, when he said it was unsuccessful, that God has oh so many plans for him.
I don’t know how to respond to this. I am totally floored, and am in unfamiliar territory. I don’t know what to say or
do to make it right. I’ve been told by other’s it’s not up to me to make it right.
I’m praying so hard right now, I can’t even begin to tell you. The Electrician has asked me all day if I am okay. I don’t think I am. I am not trying to put myself on the pity pot, I am a very strong person. I am lifting the whole situation up to God, and am praying fiercely that he will take care of my son. I’ve also prayed to my son’s Father. Don’t let him follow in your footsteps.
I have faith, and I am floundering. I realize that I like to control situations, and I have accepted the fact there are some situations I cannot control.
I’m not trying to control this one, because simply I have accepted I have no control, But, at the same token. God take care of my Baby, and let him know there are always other answers, than ending his life. While there is pain, let him know that He is loved, by YOU and also by me. Amen.
I learned a long time ago, that it is going to get worse before it gets better, but at the same token. I believe.
I have typed this tonite into my notebook, simply because I am having internet problems, if I choose to print this when I get my internet back, well…okay, if I choose not to, well okay.
But I have learned some things through my blogging, and that is I have to write about the emotion before it eats me up and spits me out.
This one is a slow killing me softly so to speak. Because truly I do not know how to act, or react, or just be. This one has hurt me, that my Son feels he cannot go on.
I’m angry, hurt, frustrated, and so very sad. That the only legacy or message my ex-husband could leave my kids, was if it gets tough, and hard to live through life, then end it.
What the heck kind of message is that? Jimney Christmas, life is hard, sometimes it truly sucks, but you keep on plugging and go through it.
If you have pain, in your life, fix it, or understand it, Don’t Give up.
To my Son, I say this, You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You’ve had a hard burden you have carried, LET IT GO, YOU are not your Father, YOU have a future, if you just open your eyes, and your heart, and forget all of the other BULLSHIT. I Love you with all of my heart, sometimes I cannot always come through for you, but please, do not kill me by ending your life.
Day 6… I am thankful for ALL of my kids. I gave birth to 2 of them, but I have 5.
To my first-born: You were a surprise… I loved you with all of my being, you were a lot like me, but a bunch of your Dad thrown in. Somewhere along the line, you became your own person, with a bunch of I don’t know what thrown into the works. While you and I don’t see eye to eye, I tried with you Maybe not as hard as I could, but I did what I could with what I had, I just didn’t expect you to fight me as much as you did. I also did not expect you to hurt me as much as you have.
To my second one born: You were the apple of my eye. I know a Mother is not supposed to have favorites, but I guess I kinda did. You have been through a bunch during your years, and I still treasure the way, you call me up and just want to “talk”. You are a special person, and I am proud of the man you are becoming. I’m glad that you have found a purpose in life, and are truly starting to be happy.
To My Oldest Son …I am truly thankful, that You came into my life. You are a truly awesome Young man. While we have had a “different” relationship, I am truly proud of the man you have become, and now that you are starting your life with a Wife, I wish nothing but happiness for both of you.
To My oldest daughter….There was a reason I never gave birth to girls, I wasn’t sure how to act with girls. I have loved you since I began dating your Dad. You and I have had our differences. I have loved you though, more than if I did give birth to you. I have been allowed to be your friend first, your step-mother second, and while we’ve had our “ups” and “downs”, I have truly been honored to be a part of “your” family. I say “your family”, Because not only do I have you, but your husband and your 2 boys as well. You’ve allowed me to become a Grandmother to your 2 boys, and that seriously rocks…
To My Youngest daughter….I have watched you grow up into a young woman, from a very young girl. I have spent countless vacations with you, and watched you blossom. We too, have had our “ups & downs”, but I hope you know how much I love you, and also how proud of you I am.
To all of you, each and every one of you have Blessed my life in one way or another. While I may not have always been the “best” Mother, I’ve tried my best. I am thankful for each of you, in different ways. But I want you all to know, I love each and every one of you.
This is not really what I had originally planned to post tonite, but then I started thinking about it all through out today.
I was thinking about my family name today, especially when I hear the name “Grandma Burwash”, because it always brings to my mind MY Grandma, not my Mother.
You see, My Grandma, had 2 kids, my Dad and my Aunt. My Aunt got married and hyphenated her name, but her children have their Father’s name. My Dad had me, an only child (ok, I really guess I broke the mold and swore him off of having any more kids…hehehe).
I got married and changed my name. So, that leads me to thinking. Although my children, are 1/2 Burwash’s, they have their Father’s last name. So, I guess that means I am correct that my family name ended with me, in this line of our family.
This makes me sad, I’m not sure why, and I can’t really explain it. We have a family member that is in “charge” of our family “tree”, I guess every family has one of those, my husband’s family has one and has extracted all kinds of information from me, so our lines will be crossed.
I guess, as I have been getting older, certain things have become more aware to me. My question is this, When my descendants are around long after I am gone, will they know my family and all of its rich colorful history? Of the Farming, and hardships my Great-Great-Grandparents, Great-Grandparents and Grandparents have known?
Will they know that the Saturn Car Dealership in Champaign Illinois was once my Uncle Art’s Farm, That I remember the Farmhouse and the Tree outside that I climbed as a child, or the fact that Uncle Art only had a thumb on his hand because his other fingers were taken off in a corn picker? That the tapes the Farmer has of my Grandma and her brother Uncle Art talking about when they were kids, walking in the snow to school, and all of their escapades.
Maybe…as we get older….we appreciate what our family has gone through before us. I know I sure do. I miss my Grandma, I miss her telling me always it would be a brighter day tomorrow, and eating a dinner of popcorn on Sunday nights, cuz well that’s just what we did.
I guess I am just feeling a little sad, because folks, I am the last of my line as the name carrier. I am proud to carry my name, and if I could figure out how to carry my name with my husband’s name and not spending a million dollars to do it I would.
But…let me say this….I was born a Burwash, I am a Burwash and I will carry that name throughout my entire life and be proud.