Crash and Burn and Relite….
This morning started out with a bunch of promise. While it is not the “usual Monday morning routine”, it started out with promise. I didn’t have Cam-man this morning, so I woke up at normal time, and did some stuff around the house, to help myself for when I got home. I am trying to stop neglecting the things I normally do and try to cover all of my bases.
After doing all the stuff, I do not normally do on a Monday morning, I headed out, to the Farmers. I felt a bit lonely, because I don’t have Cam-Man with me. Have I mentioned that I personally don’t like change, but that I can adapt?
I arrived at the Farmers and got put out immediately. Pfft, I am a back door daughter, and when I went to the back door, I could not open it. The screen door was locked and I don’t have a key to the back door. Well… to be truthful, I do, but I can’t tell which friggin key it is.
So, I went back around and entered into through the front door. The Farmer was happy to see me., but not happy, to have me tell him off ,for the back door not being open. immediately we both checked into the situation of ordering Momma‘s stuff through a certain facility and me, uhm yup, me, not putting in the right address to have it delivered.
It was last week when we ordered it, and I may or may not been in my right mind when I typed the address into the computer, but it was something we had to deal with. After calling and being put on hold for a ungoodness amount of minutes, we finally got through to a human and not a computer. After telling them the situation, and them assessing the situation, we were told it would be all good.
We had no sooner hung up the phone when the drive way bell went off. Guess what? One of our favorite trucks, (we have 2 that we use), anyway,hat’s off to these guys simply because, they know us. One of our favorite drivers backed into the driveway with Momma’s stuff and told us, he had looked at the name and said, “pfft, I know these people, I can deliver it” So THANK YOU to the Fed Ex driver that delivers Momma’s supplies. (some of them). He covered us, and just when we needed it most. (That’s a song isn’t it?) I seriously do not know where my head has been at lately.
After squaring everything away and putting stuff up, and talking to the Farmer, it was time to get Momma up. (To the Farmer, I am sorry for what I am about to say, but it HAS to be said).
Momma talked with me for the first 5 minutes, and then I am not sure where she went but she wasn’t with me. I gave Momma her bath and cleaned her up “she had an accident”, she was upset about it, but I told her it was okay, she was giggling by then end of it, but when it was time to get her up, she wasn’t there.
It took everything the Farmer and I had to get her to stand so I could “clean her up”. I went and got the wheel chair and we took her into the other room with the wheelchair. When it was time to put her into her chair, that was a friggin fiasco.
I gave Momma her Christmas goose and then some by trying to lift her up and trying to carry her into her chair. She had so many back spasms, and neck spasms, I don’t know what to tell you. It was HARD.
Momma has gotten so weak over the weekend, I don’t know where to start, I can’t even begin to tell you. When Momma was in her chair, and YES the Farmer and I got her there, I put a cold cloth on her neck, took her temp, and gave her a mouth swab.
Fast forward, and she was telling me how much she loved me and the Farmer, and she was sorry. I have a hard time with that. Sorry folks, Why the HECK should she be sorry? Her body is failing. I know this, so does the Farmer. I’m here to make it easier. Although with the Christmas Goose she got…hell I’d be happy…..just kiddin….
Fast forward, I left the Farmer’s house crying today, simply because I have never seen momma that frail. Somehow, it ended up with Cam-Man at my house for the evening,. I’m not quite sure how it happened, and I am not questioning why, I just went with it.
Cam Man and I and the electrician had a most wonderful evening, and I can’t even begin to describe it into words…
There is so much happening that I am trying to wrap my head around, and I just am having a hard time with….I’m not questioning anything, I am just going with the flow at this point…..
Sidetracked and Smacked!!! A Caregiver’s story….
While I have been living life ( by the seat of my pants) , lately. I have had so many Good days, that I kind of forgot about the bad ones. Things have been so jam-packed full of adventure lately, in other areas of my life, that I have kind of pushed all those PD feelings to the background, and really have not thought about them much.
Can I just say, while others of you are shaking your head, and saying “That’s not a healthy approach to the situation”, it HAD been working for me. Up until today. I’ve been busy folks, between this and that, I haven’t really had time to do things that I normally do. I found a little time out of my day today to realize, Sometimes when I am the happiest, is when I am not focusing on Momma and the PD.
Ok, I said it. Blast me for being an ungrateful daughter, but I have learned some lessons with this thing called Parkinson’s. Momma has it, I don’t. There I said it. I feel guilty when I have so much joy in my life, and then I come back to Momma, because with Momma, there is no joy. Yes, there are certain moments that amount to it, but they are few and far between.
Somewhere along the line, I got so caught up in Momma’s Parkinson‘s, that I forgot to truly enjoy life and all of its Blessings. I was so worried about, how she was feeling, what she is dealing with, has she “pooped” today, does she have a temperature, why is she doing “x, y, z”, is she going to die? That I stopped living for myself, and focused my whole being on her. THAT is not healthy, for me, nor anyone around me.
What I have learned in the last few days (THANK YOU Cam-Man), is life does go on, no matter what. Life doesn’t stop because Momma is having a bad day, I have learned to deal with it, and adjust, whatever I can to make her feel better.
Parkinson’s is a crazy disease, that a bunch of people are affected with. It is different from one person to the next, there is no cure. period. What I Have learned, is we make do with what we have and what we know, and if we don’t know, then we fly by the seat of our pants.
Momma, has actually had some really good days lately. We have new issues that we deal with daily, But ya know what? If I go back to that saying, “God will never give me more than I can handle”, and goodness knows I can lift a semi truck by myself at this time, it’s ok. I’m not on this road alone, I have a BUNCH of peeps at my side, who will help me IF I need it.
Sometimes as Caregivers, we get lost in the giving of care. It is SO important, to remember, YOU are an individual, who is dealing with the “disease” as well, maybe not as intense as the person who has it, but you still give care. I lost myself for a while, but guess what? I’M back……
The road is bumpy and filled with pot holes, you just have to learn how to manuever through them. It is so easy to get caught up with the “drama” and the feelings, but you truly have to look at your own feelings through this journey, and trust me when I say journey, because it is.
I’ve learned so much, and given so much, and received so much. Words could not even begin to describe it. I’ve learned some very hard lessons for me lately. They were a long time in coming, but I’ve learned them. I’ve always told y’all that I was on this journey for a reason, I’m just starting to figure it out.
Today was a very good day, in all aspects of it, and I told the Electrician this, and then went on to say something else, but he cut me off, because he told me, “Quit looking for trouble, accept what you have and go with it, because if you say something silly, it will happen”. He’s right.
I’m sorry but a song just popped in to my head, and call me silly if you want to but it is Doris Day singing ‘Que Serra Serra…”.
Life is good at Camsgranny’s house. I won’t say anymore.
Through his eyes…..
I’ve spent a bunch of time lately with my little dude. His name is Cam-man.
This little dude is about to turn 3. He is full of questions, LOVES all things boyish, John Deere tractors, bugs, OUTSIDE, nature, and just plain everything.
He shows so much compassion at the age of “almost 3′, that truly triggers my heart.
He loves the Farmer, and the Farmer thinks it’s because of the “Big toys” he has. Cam-Man has fallen in love DEEPLY with tractors. Not sure why, but so it goes.
I can’t tell you, over the past couple of days, Cam-man has been at the Farmer’s and all’s he truly wanted was to be outside. So, with the weather cooperating, we’ve been outside. Cam has learned how to plant a plant, tomatoes, and green peppers, and played with the dirt, and ran from one end of the Farmer’s property to the other. He did have to stop halfway and say, “WOW“. He got truly excited when we passed by the fields that all of the Farmers are out planting right now. He counted the amount of tractors we have seen, and was trying to count the fingers. On the way home today, he gave up and fell asleep at 15.
When people ask me, how I deal with everything I deal with, I simply say look at this picture,
Because truly a picture is worth 1000 words.
Whenever I see Cam and Momma together, it makes my heart burst. This little dude has had a hard time recognizing who I am, much less the people I bring him to. I have since been renamed, to “Jo” simply because that is what his Momma calls me and he feels comfortable with this. He knows my Dad is his “Papa Dan” and my Mom is ‘Grandma Jo’s Momma”.
When I truly sit down and think about it, he is teaching me things. It must be confusing for a kid, to have THAT many Grandparents’s, but Cam’s dealing with it in his own way. He tell’s me every morning, ‘We going to Papa Dan’s?” “Yes, Cam we are, and we have to take care of Grandma Annie ok?” “She’s your Mom right?” “Yes, Cam that’s my Momma ok?” “Yup”.
Cam is the light of Momma, from him telling her to “poo on the potty and NOT in her pants” cracks me up. Dude listen to your own advice ok? Cam-Man stands at the front of Momma’s bed everyday when I give her a bath, and her and Cam carry on like nothing, talking back and forth, it makes me giggle.
But what I have truly realized, between the banter they carry on, they are both helping each other in a way. Whenever it is time for Momma to take those steps into the other room, Cam sits on her walker, and gives her encouragement the whole way. he tells her “put your foot down” to “breathe, we are almost there”.
Who knew an almost 3-year-old had that kind of power, especially when his main love is “Buzz light year, and John Deere tractors?”
I’ve said this from the beginning and I will say it forever, the “new” and the “old” have so much in commen, now if they could both just poo on the potty I would be so much happier…..
Parkinson’s, Momma and Me….
Have you ever immersed yourself so totally into something that you have found you have gotten tunnel vision? That somehow, you have forgotten to look up and just breath? You have managed to wrap your entire life around something.
These are things I have thought about the past week. Don’t get me wrong, as I have the love and support of my family. But lately, I’ve been so enmeshed in Momma‘s, Parkinson’s and so dreading the next steps, that maybe I’ve seen things, that may or may not have been there.
I do have to quote the Nurse in one of our conversations this past week, “I’ve seen them be on death’s door and then recoup and live for 3-4 years more”. So, that lead me to some deep thinking, and also to an understanding, of myself.
Instead of always thinking the worst, I need to look at the positive. I guess I had one of those AHA moments this past week. Momma was bad…she was sick, and I scared myself silly when I went in to check on her one morning. She was so pale, and seemed to me to be just barely breathing, she was weak, and I got literally so scared. I called the Nurse and asked her to come check on Momma.
I guess in all of my research on Parkinson‘s, and while I don’t have it, I think I know a bunch about it. While I have researched until the sun has gone down and come back up again, the funny thing about this thing called Parkinson’s, is no one has the answers. It affects every person differently. Parkinson’s Dementia is also a another unknown in the medical clan, and research is improving, but still sketchy.
I made a decision this past weekend. As Momma passed her 69th Birthday (twice, because she did not remember celebrating her Birthday on her Birthday, we did it twice).
I have decided, that instead of looking for the end, I will cherish each moment I am given and when God calls Momma, then so be it. I am tired at looking at “signs”, because they get me all upset and torn up, for nothing. No one knows when someone will go “home”, and while all the “signs” can be there, Momma is like a rally squirrel. If she’s not ready, then I’m keeping her here.
Are we tired? Hell yes we are, the Farmer is tired, and I know this. But what happened between the Farmer and Momma today, made my heart swell. When I was getting Momma up, and I needed the Farmer’s help, and he came into the room, and told her how beautiful she was, and she asked who that “good looking man was”, I felt truly Blessed. The love they have for each other, even with this horrible disease, made me happy.
Parkinson’s affects every one differently. We have lived with it for a while. We’ve only dealt with the “bad” part of it for about 2 years. But when I look at everything, I try to place myself in her shoes, and try to feel how she feels. I can’t do it without totally feeling helpless. It’s not a good feeling. I can only help as much as I can, and try to make her days, better.
I know she loves me, she tells me everyday. We share so many giggles, even when she is not feeling her best. One spark in her day is her love for Cam-man, (who is my Grandson), they share a bunch, to who can go on the potty, instead of in their pants. To holding hands and giggling together. The young and the old…..there is so much to be said for that. I can’t even begin to tell you.
I don’t really even know where I am going with this post, but this is just an insight of my mind, going through some stuff.
Ooops.. I got in trouble….
Where I live in Central Illinois, we got a heck of a snow storm yesterday and last night, it is probably the most snow we have had all of this winter season. It would have been nice if it happened in December, but not especially in March. Last night, the Electrician and I watched it, had our power flicker about 3 times, and at one point, the Electrician went out and shovelled off our deck. Simply for the fact, it was a very heavy and wet snow, and I did not want the deck to collapse. While areas around us, got up to 18.5 inches of snow, we thought we were lucky with the 11′ we got.
This morning dawned and the Electrician went out and shovelled the sidewalk, and also cleared off both of our cars, but it was still snowing. He went to work and gave me strict instructions, I was not to go anywhere. He called several times on his normal 25 minute ride to work, which took him almost an hour, and told me it was bad.
The Farmer called me several times this morning, and while I guess His area did not get what I had, and he informed the roads were clear, I told him, at this point, I could not get out of my driveway. The Electrician had dug out my driveway so to speak, but my neighbor came along and used his snow blower to make my driveway more accessible. I had yet to see a snowplow.
Around noon, I got brave. That was my first mistake. I decided I could drive it, heck the Farmer said the roads were clear, and apparently in the next town over, the roads were clear, so what the heck?
Well, let me inform you and everyone else, my brave a$$ was very stupid. Making it out of my driveway, piece of cake, driving through town, easy, getting out onto one of the most treacherous roads in the county, STUPID.
Driving 20 mph, I must have hit a patch of snow/ice and my Rav4 and I did a 360′ across a lane and straight into a ditch. God was watching out after me though. First off, there was no oncoming traffic, second off I screamed the whole time like a sissy, and third off I did not hurt the Rav4.
After catching my breath and prying my hands off the steering wheel, I took a second to get my bearings and realized I was in trouble. It was STILL frigging snowing, and I was scared. There was no way I could get the Rav4 out, when I opened the door to get out and assess the damage, I stepped out into waist-high snow. I realize I am short, but DAMN…. I called the Farmer and let vent with a stream of cuss words, (Sorry Dad).
Luckily for me, I grabbed my cell phone and called one of my BFF’s and asked her where her hubby was, she gave me his number and I called him. He said oops, Jo, I’ll be there in about 20 minutes. Meanwhile, a County Sheriff, (whom I also know) pulled up and was going to try to push me out, until his butt was up to it in Snow. “Jo, uhm, I’m not sure how you did this”. “Well duh…neither do I…” “The only thing I am allowed to do, since I am on duty is call a towing Co. for you”…forget about that, I got a friend who is coming to help me. He went on his merry way, and I was sitting there and the only thing I could think about, is my husband is going to kill me.
A red truck pulled over and a guy got out, and I almost got scared, until I realized it was one of the Electrician’s and my friends. “Jo..uhm…you want me to pull you out?” (By now I AM FACE PALMING MYSELF…duh) “Yes, please, and what ever you do, PLEASE do not tell the Electrician that you did this ok?” Our friend pulled the Rav4 out with no problem, and come to find out, they had passed me right after my very unhappy butt got stuck and turned around just to help me.
My friend drove my car back into town, and then let me drive my VERY unhappy butt home. I was trying to figure out how to tell the Electrician that I had tried to venture out on my own.
I learned a very hard lesson today, folks. By my own hard headiness (is that even a word?) I risked my life when I should have just listened to the Electrician . If there had been oncoming traffic when I hit that icy/snowy patch, I could be in the hospital right now. I was VERY lucky, that I live in a small town, where people “rescue”other idiot drivers, who should just stay home.
I did tell the Electrician about it, when he arrived home, he was not very happy with me at all. Heck at this point, I am just thankful that the ending was happy.
So, I guess the moral of my story is, when it snows that much, keep your happy butt at home. Because in all honesty, MY roads were not clear, and obviously, I cannot drive on that stuff.
Momma and Me…..
I am the daughter of a Parkinson’s Momma. (Yes, I know you know this). I am going through some “things” right now, that are hard for me to speak about. It has been hard, recently for me to blog. period.
It’s not one thing in particular, but sometimes everything in general. I think…I’m tired. When I have thoughts like this, I think about the Farmer. If I am tired, and sad, and worried, I can only imagine what he is feeling.
I had a long discussion with the Nurse last night. Yes, her and Cam-man came over for the regular Wednesday night get together we have started (3 weeks in a row now). We all have giggles and dinner and fun. Last night, Cam-man and his Poppa giggled and carried on, and the Nurse and I talked.
When I say talked, I truly mean talked. We talked about Momma. Where she was this time last year, and where she is today. The Nurse pointed out a bunch of new information to me last night and really started me thinking, and then we got into a lively discussion about “things”.
To be honest, this time last year, Momma was in the Nursing Home fighting her way back. You see, Momma actually died before Christmas a year ago, and on Christmas eve was admitted into the Nursing Home for Rehab, and then allowed to come home in March.
We’ve had an awesome year, and things have been great….until recently. Momma has not been Momma, lately. She is there, trust me, but not very often. She goes through the motions, but does not speak, well sometimes she pops out with a Momma comment, but very far and few. She is getting weaker, and I see it. Sometimes her mind is mush, and I don’t say that lightly.
We still keep the “routine” as close as we can, because there are times the medicine just doesn’t work, and then it really is a bad day. I hate that aspect of things. But in talking with the Nurse last night, I realized something.
Momma may be going “downhill” so to speak, and it may be her time, so to speak, but with all of the things that technology has come up with, she is getting the nutrients she needs to keep her body nourished, because she is on tube feedings.
Don’t get me wrong here, I am not saying I want her to go anywhere, but I find myself asking a bunch of questions there are no answers to. I HATE watching this disease take her over completely. From watching her limbs not cooperate with her, to watching her try so hard to complete a sentence that makes sense. To watching her try to figure out what she wants to say, to feeling her pain over the confusion. To watching her being scared of her hallucinations, and trying to help her through them.
On the other side of the coin, watching the Farmer and seeing how tired he is. Knowing the pain he feels, because it is my own pain, but tripled. I get breaks, he does not, but at the same token, when you marry someone it is “for better or worse, until death do you part”.
The whole situation is one of unbearable pain for all involved. But my first thought, forgive me if it is abstract, but if we feel this pain, I can only imagine what a woman feels, who was totally in control of herself, and gave herself whole hardily to everything she was involved in. To be reduced to having someone else do everything for her, and not even being able to wipe her own butt. Parkinson’s Disease is not pretty, for the person who has it, to the family that deals with it.
But I guess, there is a lesson, or reason that it hit my family. I know it has made us stronger, tougher, and have shared love more easily among us.
If my blog helps just one person understand, or helps them in any way then I guess, it might be what I was supposed to do.
I can’t tell you how many times I have left the Farmer’s house in tears recently. I can’t tell you how many times, I have come home and prayed. I can’t tell you how many times, I have only wanted what was best for Momma. I think God might be tired of hearing from me lately.
But ya know what? It is what it is, and I am going to keep doing what I do. So forgive me peeps if I don’t get to blog as much as I truly want to, but sometimes, after I have bared my soul I just want to hibernate.
I feel better for releasing some of this, there is so much built up. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a dark soul, I have a bunch of things going on right now that makes me want to jump for joy, I am just not at the point I can share them with you.
Thanks for listening….:)
Troubled….Troubled….
There are so many things I want to say.
There are so many emotions going through me.
There is so much, that I am trying to deal with.
There is so much, I want to deal with.
There is a lot I am not dealing with.
The clock ticks on the wall.
I hear it ticking.
I was brought to my knees today, and the Farmer too.
The simple words of Momma,
We have all felt too.
I try not to for see…
What the future will bring.
But Momma knows,
and is trying to let us know,
in her own calm way.
She want’s to leave us…
To go home.
Where her life will be different, from what it is now.
Her Mother’s love will hug her for us.
She will no longer suffer from Parkinson’s.
For that I am Thankful.
For her leaving us, I will hurt.
Plain, Simple, no words needed.
I hate days, like today.
When Momma is doing her best to warn us,
Because she knows we will feel pain.
She knows how much we love her.
For that I am thankful.
I only want what’s best for Momma….
If she wants to go home,
and God is ready to take her….
then so be it.
I just don’t know that I am ready…
for our journey to be over…..
The only thing that goes through my head at this time is this:
The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name’ sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.
The 23rd Psalm….
Momma and I said this prayer today…. especially after she told me about all of the “dead” people who have come to visit her, her Mother included.
There are things I do not understand. But ya know what? If God wants her, then let her be and go with God.
From My heart….
I’ve had a hard time lately, trying to figure out what I was going to post about. It’s like I lost my “blogging mojo” so to speak. With so much going on in my life right now, I’ve kind of stepped back. While I have pretty much laid it all out there for all of you to take this journey with me, I’ve found lately, I’ve been smacked in the face with some things that are to personnal to put out into my blogging world.
I guess, it’s because this blog has been written from my heart, and I truly don’t know what I am going to blog about, until I sit down at my computer. This blog has helped me to express, my feelings over some situations that are hard for me to go through. It’s become my outlet, so to speak.
I did not realize how much it meant to me, until last night. Yesterday, I was hit with a situation that tore me up. I wanted to blog about it, but, my internet went down last night at about 6 pm. We even called the Fisher Dude to come over and try to help us get it back up and running.
After being on the phone for umpteen hours, we were advised that the problem was at their end and not ours. Psst… Thanks to the NURSE for letting us kidnap her husband for a bit.
Yes, I said NURSE, The Nursing student is still a “student” so to speak, But at this time she has achieved her LPN, status, and is working towards her RN status. Her Father and I are very proud of her.
But yet again, I am sidetracked. Last night, when I could not blog, I wrote a letter in my notes, on my computer. I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it. I felt I had to write it, and I am a little hesitant with sharing it with y’all. I will do it, simply because, No One should feel this way. I am opening myself up, and I hope someone hears the message
“I am a tortured soul. I received a phone call this morning that has torn me in two. Sometimes, a Mother does not know what her child needs, and we get all torn up inside and only hope and pray we know what to do. Me? Nope, I have no idea at this point.
I got a phone call this morning from my youngest son. I was a little startled. “Mom, I saw Dad this morning”. Uhmm “what?”
Let me just advise y’all that “Dad” committed suicide about 3 years ago.
“What the heck are you talking about?” I asked, fear surrounding me. Yes, my youngest son tried to follow in his Father’s footsteps. I get chills just talking about it, and I am so torn I’m not sure what to do.
I gave him my faith, and told him over and over , “No, No, No”. I also told him, when he said it was unsuccessful, that God has oh so many plans for him.
I don’t know how to respond to this. I am totally floored, and am in unfamiliar territory. I don’t know what to say or
do to make it right. I’ve been told by other’s it’s not up to me to make it right.
I’m praying so hard right now, I can’t even begin to tell you. The Electrician has asked me all day if I am okay. I don’t think I am. I am not trying to put myself on the pity pot, I am a very strong person. I am lifting the whole situation up to God, and am praying fiercely that he will take care of my son. I’ve also prayed to my son’s Father. Don’t let him follow in your footsteps.
I have faith, and I am floundering. I realize that I like to control situations, and I have accepted the fact there are some situations I cannot control.
I’m not trying to control this one, because simply I have accepted I have no control, But, at the same token. God take care of my Baby, and let him know there are always other answers, than ending his life. While there is pain, let him know that He is loved, by YOU and also by me. Amen.
I learned a long time ago, that it is going to get worse before it gets better, but at the same token. I believe.
I have typed this tonite into my notebook, simply because I am having internet problems, if I choose to print this when I get my internet back, well…okay, if I choose not to, well okay.
But I have learned some things through my blogging, and that is I have to write about the emotion before it eats me up and spits me out.
This one is a slow killing me softly so to speak. Because truly I do not know how to act, or react, or just be. This one has hurt me, that my Son feels he cannot go on.
I’m angry, hurt, frustrated, and so very sad. That the only legacy or message my ex-husband could leave my kids, was if it gets tough, and hard to live through life, then end it.
What the heck kind of message is that? Jimney Christmas, life is hard, sometimes it truly sucks, but you keep on plugging and go through it.
If you have pain, in your life, fix it, or understand it, Don’t Give up.
To my Son, I say this, You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You’ve had a hard burden you have carried, LET IT GO, YOU are not your Father, YOU have a future, if you just open your eyes, and your heart, and forget all of the other BULLSHIT. I Love you with all of my heart, sometimes I cannot always come through for you, but please, do not kill me by ending your life.
My heart hurts….
When God Calls Our Children
by Unknown Author
When God calls our children
We mortals sometimes question
the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with,
the death of one small child.
Who does so much to make our world,
seem so wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling
the aged to His fold.
So He picks a rosebud
before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them,
and so He takes but few.
To make the land of heaven
more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult
still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows
will always be Good-bye.
So when a little child departs,
we who are left behind,
Must realize God loves children.
Angels Are Hard To Find!!
In my month of Thankfulness….
This has been a month of Thankfulness for me. While I am thankful for everyday, truly I am. There are things that make this month stand out the most. Just for me, and maybe for someone else, something I may say, might mean something.
I am always Thankful for my family. They truly are my back bone and give me the strength to go deal with what I do.
I am thankful for everything I have, from my house, to my clothes, to my car, to well, just everything.
I am thankful for my friends….y’all know who you are…you guys hold me close, let me say whatever I need to, just to blow off steam, to just saying you love me, and somehow my world turns to right.
I am Thankful for my Cat, ok, y’all can laugh if you want to, but this cat has given me more love, affection and attitude than any of my kids (ok that might be a tie), but she loves me, and loves to curl into my lap, or sleep at my feet and take care of me when no one else is around. (It’s a cat thing…sorry if you don’t understand it).
I’m thankful for my husband, who truly I never thought I would ever find a soul who matches mine as much as he does, we are on the same wave..dream the same dreams and love the same things. Not to mention we love each other to the moon and then beyond……
I love my birth kids, more than words can ever say, I am thankful for both of you, you each have given me joy, and a bunch of pain, but I guess that is part of being a Mother. Never doubt my love for you, even though it may be tough right now.
I am thankful for my “other” children, I refuse to call you “step’ because truly in my eyes, if I could have given birth to you I would have, the fact that I love each and every one of you, is to me a Blessing, because God gave you to me, I truly tried to step to the challenge., If I have let you down, sorry, but I truly love y’all like my own and hope you know it. Each of you is a Blessing to me in one way or another.
I’m Thankful for one little dude, that probably no one can understand….That would be Cam-man…I cannot even begin to describe what this little dude means to me. I never wanted to over-step any bonds. But from about day 2, because day 1 I was too afraid to hold him, This dude is my Buddy. I may have been replaced because his papa is his best friend and that’s ok. This little dude, gave me strength to survive his papa being away from me, and giving me joy in his little face. To this day, this little dude and I share a bond that was re-inforced to me today, and I am oh so thankful of this little guy. He still loves me, and plays hide n seek with me and all of those other games him and I share.
But to be truthful, I am thankful for the Farmer and Momma, simply because…they are my parents. For Momma maybe by default, but it is what it is, and SHE is MY Momma.
I am Thankful for living the life I do, with all I have, and all I am thankful for. I am truly one Blessed woman.
My life may be complicated, but truly, I’m not used to any other. I’ve lived all these years and I’ve learned a bunch of lessons. I am still learning. But I do know I am Thankful, and I give all of my Blessings thankful to God, AND my angels, I truly have a bunch of them. This month, My Angels added another. While I am sad, I am thankful for the party going on up in heaven.
I just hope that when it’s all said and done, eventually, it’s gonna be one heck of a party when we all get together…..
