When I woke up this morning, I was still “flaming” after last night. I decided I would take charge and take care of all of those things I have neglected lately. Sometimes, I just have too much on the calendar, to take care of those little day-to-day things.
So, my feet hit the floor running, and I started a load of laundry, slugged back a couple of cups of coffee and got busy. Camsgranny, cleaned the entire house and did 4 loads of laundry (sheets and bedding stuff included), flipped mattresses around, and FINALLY put winter clothes away and went through summer clothes.
Apparently, something happened over the winter and that “full-bodied shampoo” I use, floated on down my body when I was rinsing, and well….somethings from last year just don’t fit anymore. It’s the shampoo, trust me!
The Electrician is all in a flutter about holding a garage sale. Our town holds an annual Garage sale town wide, and the date is rapidly approaching. Now to be truthful, I don’t “do’ garage sales, and this is all his puppy. I have been following him around the house when he grabs something and says ‘Yes, we can sell this”, and I follow tucking it into a cupboard. I have given in to some things, but well… I could secretly be a hoarder and don’t know it.
With my house cleaned and shiny, and groceries (that the Electrician bought) put away, we headed out to the Nurse’s house for a BBQ. We had a great time, with most of the family there, and then the Electrician did not feel well so we both came home. After a 2 hour nap, we are back up and at it.
We did let Ms. Baby out, and let her hang out on the porch, but when we heard all kinds of birds chirping and going off, we went outside. Apparently, Ms. Baby was stalking a baby bird and had it pinned between her paws (she has no front claws), every bird within a 2 mile radius was dive bombing her butt, and we got her to come inside, and hopefully the baby bird has made his escape. While I feel bad for the baby bird, I understand Ms. Baby’s instincts. She was a little forlorn and gave us extra loving, because her Daddy yelled at her.
My schedule is about to change, as the Nurse is now out for summer break, and Cam Man and I won’t be spending everyday together. That kind of makes me sad. I had to laugh today though, because when we were pulling up at the Nurse’s house, Cam saw his “Papa’s truck” before we had even turned the corner and had already started running. His Auntie Boo grabbed him, and he was all smiles when we got there. Of course the first few minutes were spent with Cam loving on his Papa, and then it was ‘Will you play with me Jo?”. We played and Papa pulled his truck up so Cam could hang out on the tailgate of Papa’s truck. Cam looked at me and asked “Papa Dan, he ok?” My heart kind of melted. I told him “Papa Dan is ok”, then he asked about Momma, it was so cute how he said it to me. “Jo?”, “Yes?” “Your Momma, she ok too?”. “Yes, Cam, she is ok too”.
His and mine schedule is changing, and I think we miss each other a bunch more than we ever thought we would. When I stopped by his house yesterday, he was knee-deep in mud and water and having a blast helping his parents get their yard into shape, but when I was ready to go, he went up to the Rav4 and was ready to go. It broke my heart, I couldn’t take him with me. Today, was another of the same story. When Papa and I had to leave, I had a little talk with him, and told him we were going home, and he had to stay and play with all the kids at his house, and to be a “big boy” and give us hugs and kisses and go play.
It worked, until we were in the truck and ready to go and then all hell broke loose, he came running and screaming up to the truck and clung to me, and said, “NO, I go with you and Papa”. Uncle Nate came and got him, and when we drove away Grandma Sue had him and he was waving with tears in his eyes.
What a Saturday…….I’ve also been helping a friend of mine with her journey with Parkinson’s, and trying to find ways for her to succeed in what she is doing. It’s a work in process, and still ongoing, but I will help, in any way I can.
While my mind is going 1000 miles an hour, and you can probably tell by this post, Welcome to my Saturday, Camgranny’s style….
While I have been living life ( by the seat of my pants) , lately. I have had so many Good days, that I kind of forgot about the bad ones. Things have been so jam-packed full of adventure lately, in other areas of my life, that I have kind of pushed all those PD feelings to the background, and really have not thought about them much.
Can I just say, while others of you are shaking your head, and saying “That’s not a healthy approach to the situation”, it HAD been working for me. Up until today. I’ve been busy folks, between this and that, I haven’t really had time to do things that I normally do. I found a little time out of my day today to realize, Sometimes when I am the happiest, is when I am not focusing on Momma and the PD.
Ok, I said it. Blast me for being an ungrateful daughter, but I have learned some lessons with this thing called Parkinson’s. Momma has it, I don’t. There I said it. I feel guilty when I have so much joy in my life, and then I come back to Momma, because with Momma, there is no joy. Yes, there are certain moments that amount to it, but they are few and far between.
Somewhere along the line, I got so caught up in Momma’s Parkinson‘s, that I forgot to truly enjoy life and all of its Blessings. I was so worried about, how she was feeling, what she is dealing with, has she “pooped” today, does she have a temperature, why is she doing “x, y, z”, is she going to die? That I stopped living for myself, and focused my whole being on her. THAT is not healthy, for me, nor anyone around me.
What I have learned in the last few days (THANK YOU Cam-Man), is life does go on, no matter what. Life doesn’t stop because Momma is having a bad day, I have learned to deal with it, and adjust, whatever I can to make her feel better.
Parkinson’s is a crazy disease, that a bunch of people are affected with. It is different from one person to the next, there is no cure. period. What I Have learned, is we make do with what we have and what we know, and if we don’t know, then we fly by the seat of our pants.
Momma, has actually had some really good days lately. We have new issues that we deal with daily, But ya know what? If I go back to that saying, “God will never give me more than I can handle”, and goodness knows I can lift a semi truck by myself at this time, it’s ok. I’m not on this road alone, I have a BUNCH of peeps at my side, who will help me IF I need it.
Sometimes as Caregivers, we get lost in the giving of care. It is SO important, to remember, YOU are an individual, who is dealing with the “disease” as well, maybe not as intense as the person who has it, but you still give care. I lost myself for a while, but guess what? I’M back……
The road is bumpy and filled with pot holes, you just have to learn how to manuever through them. It is so easy to get caught up with the “drama” and the feelings, but you truly have to look at your own feelings through this journey, and trust me when I say journey, because it is.
I’ve learned so much, and given so much, and received so much. Words could not even begin to describe it. I’ve learned some very hard lessons for me lately. They were a long time in coming, but I’ve learned them. I’ve always told y’all that I was on this journey for a reason, I’m just starting to figure it out.
Today was a very good day, in all aspects of it, and I told the Electrician this, and then went on to say something else, but he cut me off, because he told me, “Quit looking for trouble, accept what you have and go with it, because if you say something silly, it will happen”. He’s right.
I’m sorry but a song just popped in to my head, and call me silly if you want to but it is Doris Day singing ‘Que Serra Serra…”.
Life is good at Camsgranny’s house. I won’t say anymore.
I’ve spent a bunch of time lately with my little dude. His name is Cam-man.
This little dude is about to turn 3. He is full of questions, LOVES all things boyish, John Deere tractors, bugs, OUTSIDE, nature, and just plain everything.
He shows so much compassion at the age of “almost 3′, that truly triggers my heart.
He loves the Farmer, and the Farmer thinks it’s because of the “Big toys” he has. Cam-Man has fallen in love DEEPLY with tractors. Not sure why, but so it goes.
I can’t tell you, over the past couple of days, Cam-man has been at the Farmer’s and all’s he truly wanted was to be outside. So, with the weather cooperating, we’ve been outside. Cam has learned how to plant a plant, tomatoes, and green peppers, and played with the dirt, and ran from one end of the Farmer’s property to the other. He did have to stop halfway and say, “WOW“. He got truly excited when we passed by the fields that all of the Farmers are out planting right now. He counted the amount of tractors we have seen, and was trying to count the fingers. On the way home today, he gave up and fell asleep at 15.
When people ask me, how I deal with everything I deal with, I simply say look at this picture,
Because truly a picture is worth 1000 words.
Whenever I see Cam and Momma together, it makes my heart burst. This little dude has had a hard time recognizing who I am, much less the people I bring him to. I have since been renamed, to “Jo” simply because that is what his Momma calls me and he feels comfortable with this. He knows my Dad is his “Papa Dan” and my Mom is ‘Grandma Jo’s Momma”.
When I truly sit down and think about it, he is teaching me things. It must be confusing for a kid, to have THAT many Grandparents’s, but Cam’s dealing with it in his own way. He tell’s me every morning, ‘We going to Papa Dan’s?” “Yes, Cam we are, and we have to take care of Grandma Annie ok?” “She’s your Mom right?” “Yes, Cam that’s my Momma ok?” “Yup”.
Cam is the light of Momma, from him telling her to “poo on the potty and NOT in her pants” cracks me up. Dude listen to your own advice ok? Cam-Man stands at the front of Momma’s bed everyday when I give her a bath, and her and Cam carry on like nothing, talking back and forth, it makes me giggle.
But what I have truly realized, between the banter they carry on, they are both helping each other in a way. Whenever it is time for Momma to take those steps into the other room, Cam sits on her walker, and gives her encouragement the whole way. he tells her “put your foot down” to “breathe, we are almost there”.
Who knew an almost 3-year-old had that kind of power, especially when his main love is “Buzz light year, and John Deere tractors?”
I’ve said this from the beginning and I will say it forever, the “new” and the “old” have so much in commen, now if they could both just poo on the potty I would be so much happier…..
The past few weeks for me have passed in a whirlwind. Birthdays, parties, eating out, day-to-day living. Whew. I made it. For a bit there, I wasn’t sure I would. Luckily, there isn’t another birthday for about a month, when you have 4 Birthdays, and an anniversary all within the space of the month of April and first week of May, well, it can be a little over whelming.
We started out with Momma‘s birthday, then it was the Farmer and Momma’s 32nd wedding anniversary. While it is hard to celebrate, simply because, I could not bring a cake, nor could I really give her presents, I did what I could, and brought flowers (which she loves) and an anniversary balloon (that Cam has totally had a blast with).
The next event was the Fisher Dude’s 30th birthday, his lovely wife (the Nurse) had planned a surprise party for him at Red Lobster, and about 35 + people were there. He did not have a clue, and was totally shocked.
Mind you, the Nurse had planned this about 2 months ago, and we were all in on it.
The cover story was he was meeting the Electrician and I, and we were buying him dinner. I so wish we would have gotten a picture of his face when he realized it was a party for him, because his jaw literally hit the floor.
It was such a good time, and with a bunch of friends, it was a very memorable time.
I think a good time was had by all, and it was mentioned that how would the Fisher dude “top” that as the Nurse’s birthday is 2 weeks after his. They both turned 30 this year. While he may not have “topped” his birthday surprise, he did pull off a party for the Nurse.
We all met, the family, at Monical’s pizza, and all of us, including the Nurse had a bunch of giggles. We were not the only one’s they’re celebrating birthdays, either. Apparently the other “big” party in the place was for a Grandmother’s birthday. As they were leaving, this was after the waiter brought out the cake the Fisher dude had the Electrician and I, get there early to set up everything. The Birthday girl came over to the Nurse and whispered into her ear, and then the Nurse busted up laughing, and then told us, what was said. The other Birthday “girl” (I think it was her 70th birthday), asked the Nurse, “Do you know why Tigger looked into the toilet?” The Nurse shook her head, and then heard “To look for Pooh”.
This was Cam-Man’s card to his Momma, I had posted a note to the Nurse on Facebook with Cam-Man holding this, and I think the Nurse liked it, especially, when he gave it to her.
Pizza, beer, family, Good times….Carrott Cake, call it winner, winner, pizza dinner. I think I ate enough pizza to fill me for the rest of the year.
While the past few weeks have been like a fart in a whirlwind, I loved each and every moment of it, I would not trade it for anything.
Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, and I will celebrate that too. So there will be more pictures, and happy times, Folks, have you ever just wished time could stop, so you could soak up all of your Blessings?
I truly don’t mean to brag to anyone, but I am so thankful, I have so many Blessings, simply because not all areas of my life are this happy. But I do try to find the Blessings and the happiness whenever I can. Luckily for me, I feel well and truly Blessed.
To the Farmer, before I get into this, I’m sorry if I have “broken” our code, but sometimes, you need to share with other’s, things that you are dealing with, for other’s that are dealing with this thing called Parkinson’s.
I’ve been reluctant to talk about it, because we are dealing with “new things”, and we are still trying to find our own way through this thing called Parkinson’s. But I had kind of moment today, call it frustration, call it AHA, call it, someone please explain this to me, or just one of those over all moments, when you facepalm your head and say, What the Heck.
I have to back up the trolley for a second and let you all in on yesterday. We changed up Momma’s schedule yesterday, and while we thought it would not make a difference, it did. We got Momma up an hour earlier than usual, and put her to bed earlier than usual. It wasn’t a major problem, other than we had to use the wheelchair all day yesterday. Yes, I lifted Momma myself ( my back will tell you I did) (Something about a little 4’11″ roughly 115lb girl lifting her 5’7″ 138lb Momma). Momma did not walk yesterday, she tried, but it wasn’t gonna happen. Momma had a good day of sleep yesterday.
Today, Cam-man and I went in and visited with Momma a few times before we got her up. Imagine my surprise when I went into give her, her meds, and I told her “Good Morning Sunshine girl, how is my Momma today?”, she replied with “Good Morning darling, not to bad.”. All the while Cam-Man is pointing to Momma and asking me, That’s your Momma Jo?” Yes, Cam-Man it is. He smiled and grabbed her hand and then carried on a conversation with Momma, to which only he and her understood, because I was looking at both of them like “Uh, what????”.
When it came time to get Momma up, she was full of giggles and “back to normal”, after her bath, the Farmer was on the phone with one of his buddies from a long time ago, and it was one of those “Oh Shit” conversations. (plain english, one of his and momma’s friends had died)
Since the Farmer was on the phone, I decided not to disturb him, and put Momma on her porta potty by myself. While it may have taken me 2 tries, we did it. Momma latched onto me like I was the last person on earth. Cam-Man was there telling Momma, “You do it with Jo okay?”.
When the Farmer arrived, Cam-Man and Momma and me were giggling over our attempts, but when she heard the news of her friend passing, she withdrew, completely. From there it was a very hard attempt by Momma to WALK into the other room with all of our help.
MY Momma is in there, trust me, I know this. While Parkinson’s does what ever it does, she’s in there. Today, was a rare glimpse into that. I saw her fight to walk, even after I had asked her about the wheelchair, and she looked at me with spit drooling out of her mouth, because she cannot swallow I gave her a cloth and she spit it out, and told me, I WILL WALK into the other room. And folks, she did.
Wherever her mind is at, I don’t know. She see’s things that are not there, she HURTS everywhere, and sleeps probably 22 hours out of a 24 hour day. But that hour or so she is awake, sometimes is hell on wheels.
Cam-Man summed it up today, when we left the Farmer’s house. I always tell him to give the Farmer and Momma loving before we leave. Today, Momma was not quite herself, but Cam-man gave the Farmer a hug and a kiss and told him, I’ll be back. Then went up to Momma and grabbed her hand and kissed it, and looked into her eyes, and said, “I Wove you, I’ll be back, be here ok?”
After reading this, it might sound pathetic, but ya know what? It’s Parkinson’s, and we are dealing with it. We are fighters here, and even Momma is still fighting. I can only hope I can show the grace, love and dignity, when this disease robs you of all it. Momma still has all of those.
I have come to the conclusion, that I am not faithful to my blog anymore. When I first started it about a year and a half ago, I faithfully typed every night, sometimes a couple of times a night. I don’t know if I am suffering from “blog burn out” or simply getting to a stage in my blog, that I cannot share everything with y’all anymore.
When I first started my blog, I was a very scared Daughter of a Parkinson’s momma. I did not know what to expect, and I honestly did not think it would bring to me where I am today. I have opened myself up to y’all, and told you about daily living, as a Caregiver for this disease.
But what I did not expect, was that my words would run dry. I did not expect to come to a time, when I find myself not wanting to share some moments, simply, because I know I am on the last leg of my journey, and I am trying to hold everything dear and near to me. I have noticed, I only post on the weekends, and that’s probably because I have more time on the weekends to give you an insight. But even that isn’t really even close to what I am living right now.
There are a lot of things that go on, that I can’t even bring myself to write about, and that’s me, because if I write them down, then it makes it so much more real. It does not take away their value, nor the reality, it’s just me procrastinating the enivatable.
So, at the end of today, while I may have gone and “filled” in for Caregiver Beth, because she was sick, and I went and took care of Momma, it wasn’t a burden, it was a Blessing. I know my time may be short, but then again, it may be longer too, who knows?
All’s I know at this point, everyday is a Blessing, and I am thankful for it. I have faith y’all, and I told y’all there is a lesson, I’m learning it. Ok so I may be hard-headed and might not be the best student, But I am learning.
This is probably the hardest thing I have done in my life so far, and at 51, I’m still learning….It’s ok though, because, I know I’ve got a “crew” on my side and a bunch of angels, looking out for me, and Momma……
While this post is a couple of days late, please forgive me. It’s been a crazy couple of days. The past week, I had been talking to Momma and telling her what day it was, and how many more days to go before her “Big day”.
It was too cute, when the Farmer brought in the balloon, Momma was just getting ready to get up, and Caregiver Beth was helping her. I brought in the flowers and asked where a vase was.
Since we could not locate a vase, I improvised and used an empty wine bottle. When I brought it in and showed Momma, she giggled and said she needed to talk to my parents. Uhm? I looked at her and the Farmer was already giggling, I said, “Uh, Momma you are my parent, whatcha wanna talk about?”. She replied, I was cheeky, but was giggling the whole time.
A fellow blogger of mine, just recently posted a blog about “Nostalgia”, I guess I am feeling it too. Over the past 32 years, I have had the BEST set of parents a girl could ever ask for. (Although in 51 years, I’ve had the Best Dad a girl could ever ask for).
The thing about Momma and the Farmer though? They truly love each other and even though Momma has Parkinson’s, the Farmer does his best to make her feel loved. The times they flirt like they are 18, and make ME blush, well, I guess we all are Blessed.
Happy Anniversary Momma and the Farmer…. Love you both to the moon and back….
Today, something hit me, and touched me in many different ways. I am involved in a photo contest on Facebook, It’s from the Michael J. Fox‘s Facebook page. It is a photo contest called, I’m curing Parkinson’s Photo Contest.
I’m curing Parkinson’s for my Momma, is my photo with me holding a card stating this fact.
The Electrician always votes the first thing in the morning, and when he went to vote this morning he could not find it anywhere. It distressed him, or basically, just kind of surprized him that it was not where it was supposed to be. It was like it was wiped totally off the internet.
When I woke up and went to find the page, I couldn’t find it either, so I tracked down the page and went to the source. I was able to vote, and then when I went to share it, I was told, I could not, due to this being reported to Facebook as spam.
Uhm, what? I will admit, at first I got mad, I mean mad. Facebook throws all kinds of things at me, that I consider spam, and I just go with it and hide it from my page. I think in my whole years I have only reported one item for spam, and that’s because it was mentally, and physically disgusting.
But then I started thinking, I share this page with ALL of my “friends” on Facebook, so has the Electrician, the Nurse, and the Fisher dude. Heck some of my friends have even shared it on their pages.
It really distressed me. I answered Facebook’s questions, and I also hit them up with a question of my own. “While this has been reported as spam, I am in a contest, for Parkinson’s awareness, and you have stated to me it is spam. My question to you, is Parkinson’s spam? Because if it is, would you kindly delete it from the millions of people who suffer from it.
My photo challenge is back up and running. Thank you Facebook.
This morning when I woke up, I was a little groggy around the edges, but managed (with the help of something called coffee), to pull myself together before a cranky little 2 1/2-year-old arrived at my house.
Now yesterday,this little dude was a little ray of sunshine….
It was a sunny day, and we played outside, did a walk of the grounds, looked at bugs, Swept off the porch, and took care of Momma. After leaving the Farmer’s house yesterday, he and I actually went to the park for about 1/2 an hour before I took him home. He did wrangle a promise out of me, though, that we could go back to the park today.
When little dude arrived today, he was…well…a little on the cranky side. After crying for a minute, I got him to calm down, and blow his Momma a kiss out of the window, and then explained a ritual that my family has.
When the Nurse pulled away from my house, she honked her horn 3 times. (short honks). I asked Cam-man if he knew what it meant. When he told me no, I told him let’s go get breakfast, and I’ll explain. After getting his cereal (which today he wanted his Papa’s cereal and not his), we sat down and I told him the story.
How when his Auntie Boo was little and his Papa used to go see her, whenever he would leave, he would always honk his horn 3 times, and it meant “I Love You”. So that every one in the family now does this when we leave each other’s house. So that when his Momma left him at my house this morning, even though she felt bad, because Cam-Man was crying and did not tell her by, she was still telling him “I Love You”. Little dude got very wide-eyed, and almost sniffled again, and told me “I love my Mom”. We had a little conversation about how maybe sometimes when he was tired, he should ALWAYS try to tell his Mom he loved her.
With all of THAT straightened out, after breakfast, he and I headed to the park this morning, because it was supposed to start raining soon. We hung out and did some hard playing for about 30 minutes, and then headed to the Farmer’s. We had quite the conversation in the car, and I realised, that sometimes, the best conversations, are with younger people, who are looking for answers, and in a way they understand them.
We arrived at the Farmer’s right before the rain, and little dude was happily playing at being a pirate. The Farmer had to run out and do a couple of errands, so Cam and I checked on Momma several times, and she was a little snoozy today, so we let her snooze.
Cam and I did the things we do, and he is such a good helper, he loves to sweep, and also to take out the trash. I did have to laugh though because we found a new game, where he walks up my body and then stands on my shoulders. He even told the Farmer “Look Pawpaw, I’m tall”.
It was time for me to go in and get Momma up for the day, and little dude decided to go into pirate mode, and come in and “scare” Momma and me. I think he got a little nervous, when momma growled back at him, so he went into the front room to “growl” at the Farmer.
Now I really do have to pause here for a second and let you know, that the 78-year-old Farmer can “growl” with the best of them, and Momma and I were in fits of giggles in the bedroom over the 2 in the front room, being pirates. At one point, Momma stated “cheekiness at it’s best”, when I asked her who was being “cheeky” she told me, both of them.
Cam did not want to let go of the Farmer and actually had him in a “love hold”, when I came out to get the Farmer, to help me with Momma. Cam grabbed his “B” (blanket) and went and sat in the chair and watched us get Momma up.
Momma did pretty good today, and actually got a neck and back massage by me first and then Cam. She was so totally relaxed, she went back to sleep in her chair. Cam and I packed up and headed out. When we were leaving the driveway though, Cam shouted to me “honk, honk, honk”. I didn’t get what he was saying, until I had driven off, and he brought to my attention, that I don’t honk when leaving the Farmer’s house, and maybe I should.
When we got the Nurse’s house, he did not want to be there, he wanted to go to my house and see his “Papa“. After talking to him, and giving him my hat, he seemed ok, and as I was getting ready to leave, his Dad showed up, and he was happily playing in the garage with his Dad. (This kid is ALL boy).
When I went to back up, I looked at Cam and he was waving at me, so I honked 3 times, and that little kid, blew me a kiss.
My lesson today, you ask? Sometimes I take things for granted and also, as just the norm. I’ve decided that when I leave the Farmer’s house from now on, I will carry on the tradition of honking 3 times, just to let the Farmer and Momma know, that even though I do not say it enough, I Love them.
This little dude is teaching me, as I am teaching him. I think sometimes we are both learning together. But I’m serious when I say, I never knew the Farmer could be THAT loud when playing, nor did I know Momma could growl like a perfect pirate.
Thank you to the Nurse for giving me her gift….I think he is truly cherished by the Farmer, (who states, I kinda like that kid), to Momma who says “cheeky little dude, but my buddy”, to me, who Thanks God for him, and all he has brought me and my parents.
Have you ever immersed yourself so totally into something that you have found you have gotten tunnel vision? That somehow, you have forgotten to look up and just breath? You have managed to wrap your entire life around something.
These are things I have thought about the past week. Don’t get me wrong, as I have the love and support of my family. But lately, I’ve been so enmeshed in Momma‘s, Parkinson’s and so dreading the next steps, that maybe I’ve seen things, that may or may not have been there.
I do have to quote the Nurse in one of our conversations this past week, “I’ve seen them be on death’s door and then recoup and live for 3-4 years more”. So, that lead me to some deep thinking, and also to an understanding, of myself.
Instead of always thinking the worst, I need to look at the positive. I guess I had one of those AHA moments this past week. Momma was bad…she was sick, and I scared myself silly when I went in to check on her one morning. She was so pale, and seemed to me to be just barely breathing, she was weak, and I got literally so scared. I called the Nurse and asked her to come check on Momma.
I guess in all of my research on Parkinson‘s, and while I don’t have it, I think I know a bunch about it. While I have researched until the sun has gone down and come back up again, the funny thing about this thing called Parkinson’s, is no one has the answers. It affects every person differently. Parkinson’s Dementia is also a another unknown in the medical clan, and research is improving, but still sketchy.
I made a decision this past weekend. As Momma passed her 69th Birthday (twice, because she did not remember celebrating her Birthday on her Birthday, we did it twice).
I have decided, that instead of looking for the end, I will cherish each moment I am given and when God calls Momma, then so be it. I am tired at looking at “signs”, because they get me all upset and torn up, for nothing. No one knows when someone will go “home”, and while all the “signs” can be there, Momma is like a rally squirrel. If she’s not ready, then I’m keeping her here.
Are we tired? Hell yes we are, the Farmer is tired, and I know this. But what happened between the Farmer and Momma today, made my heart swell. When I was getting Momma up, and I needed the Farmer’s help, and he came into the room, and told her how beautiful she was, and she asked who that “good looking man was”, I felt truly Blessed. The love they have for each other, even with this horrible disease, made me happy.
Parkinson’s affects every one differently. We have lived with it for a while. We’ve only dealt with the “bad” part of it for about 2 years. But when I look at everything, I try to place myself in her shoes, and try to feel how she feels. I can’t do it without totally feeling helpless. It’s not a good feeling. I can only help as much as I can, and try to make her days, better.
I know she loves me, she tells me everyday. We share so many giggles, even when she is not feeling her best. One spark in her day is her love for Cam-man, (who is my Grandson), they share a bunch, to who can go on the potty, instead of in their pants. To holding hands and giggling together. The young and the old…..there is so much to be said for that. I can’t even begin to tell you.
I don’t really even know where I am going with this post, but this is just an insight of my mind, going through some stuff.