I’ve had a hard time lately, trying to figure out what I was going to post about. It’s like I lost my “blogging mojo” so to speak. With so much going on in my life right now, I’ve kind of stepped back. While I have pretty much laid it all out there for all of you to take this journey with me, I’ve found lately, I’ve been smacked in the face with some things that are to personnal to put out into my blogging world.
I guess, it’s because this blog has been written from my heart, and I truly don’t know what I am going to blog about, until I sit down at my computer. This blog has helped me to express, my feelings over some situations that are hard for me to go through. It’s become my outlet, so to speak.
I did not realize how much it meant to me, until last night. Yesterday, I was hit with a situation that tore me up. I wanted to blog about it, but, my internet went down last night at about 6 pm. We even called the Fisher Dude to come over and try to help us get it back up and running.
After being on the phone for umpteen hours, we were advised that the problem was at their end and not ours. Psst… Thanks to the NURSE for letting us kidnap her husband for a bit.
Yes, I said NURSE, The Nursing student is still a “student” so to speak, But at this time she has achieved her LPN, status, and is working towards her RN status. Her Father and I are very proud of her.
But yet again, I am sidetracked. Last night, when I could not blog, I wrote a letter in my notes, on my computer. I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it. I felt I had to write it, and I am a little hesitant with sharing it with y’all. I will do it, simply because, No One should feel this way. I am opening myself up, and I hope someone hears the message
“I am a tortured soul. I received a phone call this morning that has torn me in two. Sometimes, a Mother does not know what her child needs, and we get all torn up inside and only hope and pray we know what to do. Me? Nope, I have no idea at this point.
I got a phone call this morning from my youngest son. I was a little startled. “Mom, I saw Dad this morning”. Uhmm “what?”
Let me just advise y’all that “Dad” committed suicide about 3 years ago.
“What the heck are you talking about?” I asked, fear surrounding me. Yes, my youngest son tried to follow in his Father’s footsteps. I get chills just talking about it, and I am so torn I’m not sure what to do.
I gave him my faith, and told him over and over , “No, No, No”. I also told him, when he said it was unsuccessful, that God has oh so many plans for him.
I don’t know how to respond to this. I am totally floored, and am in unfamiliar territory. I don’t know what to say or
do to make it right. I’ve been told by other’s it’s not up to me to make it right.
I’m praying so hard right now, I can’t even begin to tell you. The Electrician has asked me all day if I am okay. I don’t think I am. I am not trying to put myself on the pity pot, I am a very strong person. I am lifting the whole situation up to God, and am praying fiercely that he will take care of my son. I’ve also prayed to my son’s Father. Don’t let him follow in your footsteps.
I have faith, and I am floundering. I realize that I like to control situations, and I have accepted the fact there are some situations I cannot control.
I’m not trying to control this one, because simply I have accepted I have no control, But, at the same token. God take care of my Baby, and let him know there are always other answers, than ending his life. While there is pain, let him know that He is loved, by YOU and also by me. Amen.
I learned a long time ago, that it is going to get worse before it gets better, but at the same token. I believe.
I have typed this tonite into my notebook, simply because I am having internet problems, if I choose to print this when I get my internet back, well…okay, if I choose not to, well okay.
But I have learned some things through my blogging, and that is I have to write about the emotion before it eats me up and spits me out.
This one is a slow killing me softly so to speak. Because truly I do not know how to act, or react, or just be. This one has hurt me, that my Son feels he cannot go on.
I’m angry, hurt, frustrated, and so very sad. That the only legacy or message my ex-husband could leave my kids, was if it gets tough, and hard to live through life, then end it.
What the heck kind of message is that? Jimney Christmas, life is hard, sometimes it truly sucks, but you keep on plugging and go through it.
If you have pain, in your life, fix it, or understand it, Don’t Give up.
To my Son, I say this, You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You’ve had a hard burden you have carried, LET IT GO, YOU are not your Father, YOU have a future, if you just open your eyes, and your heart, and forget all of the other BULLSHIT. I Love you with all of my heart, sometimes I cannot always come through for you, but please, do not kill me by ending your life.
While I’ve had a really good day, I’ve been given some stuff to think about. I had a conversation today with someone who has known me since I was about little to nothing. This person is a year older than me, and I have always looked up to her.
Our lives took different paths, but we were truly like sisters. We are related, just from different ends of the gene pool. We both have a similar upbringing, from the same family values. Both of us both have the same feeling, that we are all that’s left of a legacy.
How do you deal with that? While we talked on the phone, and both giggled over silly stuff, both of us were brought back to a happier time in our lives. We talked about, summer’s spent together, different cousin’s and things we did.
We talked about jumping off the docks into the lake, and learning to swim. We talked about having both of our Dad’s who were best friends and cousins too, give us hugs and laughing at both of our antics.
Time passes and we both became adults. She became someone who has a career and is everything I am not. I became a mother and a housewife, and Caregiver, every thing she isn’t. But, at the same token, we are both kind of the same.
We both decided that we have come from a very prominent family, and they did a lot of good for the town that they lived in. It’s kind of hard sometimes to live up to the Legacy. But between her and I we decided we would do the best we could.
We have tall shoes to fill, and we both kind of decided that we cannot fill those shoes, but what we could do, was to remember every bit of our growing up years and rejoice in them.
I guess times are a bit different from when I was a kid. A bunch of stuff that meant something when I was growing up, does not mean that much now. I spent time with my cousins, and my Grandparents, and I did not keep myself entertained by the internet, or technology. We chased firefly’s with a mason jar, jumped off the docks into a pond, and just giggled over silly stuff. We did not rely on the t.v, or the internet, or any of that other stuff to keep us busy. We would go out into the corn field, and just act crazy, or go to a cousin’s ball game and rejoice that they won, and commiserate when they lost, I seem to remember pizza was always involved..
I guess I am getting off track here, because while I understand my heritage, I’m not quite sure how to keep it going. I can tell my kids about it, but they really don’t care. That truly saddens me. I guess they got more of their Dad’s gene pool than mine.
I guess, in my conversation today, both her and I want to leave OUR mark, just not our parents mark. Don’t get me wrong in any way shape or form, because both her and my parents and our Grandparents have truly left something of a Legacy, I think we both want to as well…
Sometimes, I wish “Back to the Future” was an event I could attend. I would make some changes, and then there are some things I would not change.
I guess part of getting older and dealing with these changes is a part of life. I’m sure at one point or another, our parents have said it too. Life goes on and so do we, I guess I just don’t want to lose The Legacy of what I’ve been given.
The memories, I cherish, the Love, I feel, the family, I’m loosing, the Angels, I have.
Someday, there is going to be a major reunion up in heaven, and while I still have my time left here, I seriously am ready for that party, cuz it’s gonna be a big one.
Day 6… I am thankful for ALL of my kids. I gave birth to 2 of them, but I have 5.
To my first-born: You were a surprise… I loved you with all of my being, you were a lot like me, but a bunch of your Dad thrown in. Somewhere along the line, you became your own person, with a bunch of I don’t know what thrown into the works. While you and I don’t see eye to eye, I tried with you Maybe not as hard as I could, but I did what I could with what I had, I just didn’t expect you to fight me as much as you did. I also did not expect you to hurt me as much as you have.
To my second one born: You were the apple of my eye. I know a Mother is not supposed to have favorites, but I guess I kinda did. You have been through a bunch during your years, and I still treasure the way, you call me up and just want to “talk”. You are a special person, and I am proud of the man you are becoming. I’m glad that you have found a purpose in life, and are truly starting to be happy.
To My Oldest Son …I am truly thankful, that You came into my life. You are a truly awesome Young man. While we have had a “different” relationship, I am truly proud of the man you have become, and now that you are starting your life with a Wife, I wish nothing but happiness for both of you.
To My oldest daughter….There was a reason I never gave birth to girls, I wasn’t sure how to act with girls. I have loved you since I began dating your Dad. You and I have had our differences. I have loved you though, more than if I did give birth to you. I have been allowed to be your friend first, your step-mother second, and while we’ve had our “ups” and “downs”, I have truly been honored to be a part of “your” family. I say “your family”, Because not only do I have you, but your husband and your 2 boys as well. You’ve allowed me to become a Grandmother to your 2 boys, and that seriously rocks…
To My Youngest daughter….I have watched you grow up into a young woman, from a very young girl. I have spent countless vacations with you, and watched you blossom. We too, have had our “ups & downs”, but I hope you know how much I love you, and also how proud of you I am.
To all of you, each and every one of you have Blessed my life in one way or another. While I may not have always been the “best” Mother, I’ve tried my best. I am thankful for each of you, in different ways. But I want you all to know, I love each and every one of you.
Today has been a good day. Mom’s rails for her bed arrived and so did the new bed frame, so the Farmer & I will be putting that together tomorrow. Boy is she in for a surprise, unfortunatly…she doesn’t take to surprises that well these days, but at least she will be safer during the night and that makes the Farmer & I happy.
Mom was having a good day today and we even washed and styled her hair, after we were done, she made the comment to me “You really do take good care of me, and I love you”. I don’t know about you, but that just makes me go AWWWW, my heart was touched.
And that was just the FIRST half of my day. I got to see Cam-the Man today too. However, he was sleeping the whole time, amazing how a kid can sleep with his Granny staring at him just willing him to wake up so we could play. But it was not meant to be today. He slept the whole time I was there, and then had to leave when the Fisher-dude came home, I hung out with him for a bit and that was nice.
My day was filled with not just these things but also with a friend whom I’ve known some 30+ years, whom I don’t talk to everyday but who after years, or months I can talk to, just like no time has passed. I don’t have a lot of these in my life and I’m really glad I have this one.
So my thought is this one, I am thankful for everything that I have. Are their days when I just don’t feel like I can make it or do it another day? That my heart is heavy with burdens, yea, I have them, but then I do something stupid or goofy and know….Tomorrow is another day and whammo, it’s gonna start all over again, and maybe, just maybe….I can get it right.
But if I don’t….I will have known…I’m just being me…:) and doing it the only way I know how. And that would be by the seat of pants and full blast.
Plus…on an exciting note…..MY OUTLAWS WILL BE HERE TOMORROW AND THE ELECTRICIAN AND I CAN’T WAIT….
Today has been a strange day. I don’t quite know how to describe it, but I guess I’ll tell you about it starting with this morning. I had to stop at Wal-Mart and pick up some things for the folks (only because the Farmer didn’t go shopping yesterday but decided to ride on the Combine, AGAIN without me I might add) I’m not bitter about it really, I was in the midst of my own “crisis”, Yes, the Queen of the back roads got a flat tire….but that is another story.
I got to the folks house and put away the groceries and had a cup of coffee with the Farmer and made a list for “Sams” grocery store (he wasn’t getting out of it today). We talked for a bit and he told me he had read my “post”, but didn’t realise that my Mom or I could speak french. When I asked him why he didn’t know that, he stated that when we had been in Paris, neither one of us said a word. I promptly told him that we didn’t speak “that” french. hehehe
He left to go to Sams, and I proceeded to get my Mom up. It was not a good day for her. I am wondering if sometimes the weather plays a role or not. Today was a dreary, rainy, cold kind of day. Mom did her exercises without her usual humor, and then (for lack of a better word) freaked out on me while walking to the living room. Her limbs do not always cooperate with what she wants them to do, and then she panics and gets even more agitated, and then becomes frantic. I’m starting to see the signs before they become totally out of control. I did the only thing I knew and just grabbed her in a bear hug and held on until she calmed down. I kept telling her over and over “I am here and I won’t let anything happen to you”.
We finally made it to her chair and she sat down and drank a cup of coffee, and then she dozed for a bit. I made her breakfast and I swear this poor woman does not know what a “hot” meal is because she kinda takes her time eating (hours). I did all the normal stuff us homemaking “goddesses” do laundry, cooking, and cleaning (with a couple of self-imposed time outs because I was worried) (picked the wrong week to quit smoking….that’s not gonna happen this week).
By the time the Farmer arrived home from his shopping trip, Mom was almost back to normal (well as normal as she gets these days). We brought all the groceries in and put them away. Both the Farmer and Mom said “hi” and Mom was reading the paper when (I was in the kitchen fiddling with something) Mom asked the Farmer….”Are we married?” Both the Farmer and I replied “yes” at the same time and then the Farmer informed her “Yes, dear we got married TWICE! Once in a Civil suit and also in the Church”. She seemed satisfied with that answer. Then she told both of us her picture was in the paper…uh..what? So the Farmer looked and said “um, honey that’s not you” so Mom asked my opinion, “Uhm, nope Mom that’s not you, you’re prettier!”
This was the first half of my day, and I’m with the Farmer….who told me a couple of days ago, you either laugh or you cry, because the disease that has taken over my Mom, to put it in plain English….seriously SUCKS.
I’m not crying tho and I’m not having a pity party either…I am remembering all those times when my Mom was pre-parkinson’s and was full of life laughter and giggles, and ya know what, she is still there, but sometimes she has bad days too, but it’s up to me and the Farmer to make sure she is happy and comfortable, because I know inside she is scared. That makes me sad. But the joy she has brought to me makes me happy. So, I’m not crying tonite, I am thanking God for another day, and tomorrow will be better and we will fill it with some giggles and stuff…..