Frustrated, confused, lost…..

Ok ya’ll , today is Tuesday…I’ve been used to “Long Tuesdays” for so long that I feel lost today.    I’m not about to get on the “pity pot”, but I am feeling a little lost today.  I’m frustrated at no change from Momma who is still in the ICU.  I’m confused about how things are going, and I’m feeling lost about my loss of routine.

Routine…now that’s something I’m used to, when it changes, I get a little confused.  I don’t know what to do with myself  lately.  Either I am running to the hospital, and to the Farmer’s, because I’m really worried about him, or I’m straight up at a loss.

I know this post is convoluted, but it’s kinda how I feel right now. I guess I never really thought each and every day about what I did, or do.  I love the Farmer and Momma, and Cam-Man, and I spent alot of time taking care of all of them.  Right now my world is upside-down, Cam-Man is being taken care of by his Momma because she is almost on Winter break from school, (although I did stop by her house today, because well….I’m the G’ma and I can, plus I miss the little bugger.)  I go to the Hospital 2 times a day, and sometimes come out of the ICU crying because it hurts.  Maybe because I don’t understand what’s going on with her, and hate to see her in that condition.

But, I guess when it is all said and done, I get scared because of the Farmer.  You see, I’m worried about him,  Although I may be  50-year-old woman, yer Daddy is ALWAYS yer Daddy, and when he gets scared, frustrated, and upset, well….you tend to follow.  I’ve kept it together pretty good (according to the Electrician), but well…I lost it today, I went up to the ICU for the 2nd time today and Momma was sleeping and I didn’t want to wake her up, or disturb her, so I called the Farmer and I told him I was going home.

He told me he would go up there about 3:30pm and stay for a while.  This got me thinking.  While I, as the daughter, am having my feelings, he as the Husband of 30+ years is having his feelings.  Then I pictured me and the electrician, and I lost it.  I can’t put myself in his shoes, but I can understand it.

This leads me to something the Farmer taught me long ago, You learn something from every experience.  I’m learning something very important to me, the Love of a Family.  I’ve ALWAYS had the Farmer’s love, but now He and I have the love a family, My family.  They are all here ready to help out in any way, be it from making us laugh a giggle, to giving us a hug when we need it.

Okay, kids, I’m all over the map with this one and tomorrow when I post I’ll be more together, but for right now, I’m going to bed with the Electrician hoping for a better day tomorrow.

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One response

  1. You are remarkably strong. “Losing it” is par for the course. Your Ma is so lucky to have you there by her side as is Dad. Hang in there, you are a great inspiration – mucho love 🙂

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