Caregiver, Yup, that’s me.

Today did not start out very well. I woke up early and had a wierd feeling, when the phone rang at 8 am, my stomach went into my throat.  It was the Farmer, “Joanne”  “uh yea”,”She’s back in ICU, she stopped breathing”…”Uhm I’m on my way”.

Yup, Momma is back in ICU, and Parkinson’s is kicking our ass right now.  I’ve been doing a little research on the web and found some of the following.

“Caring for an ill or elderly loved one requires a tremendous amount of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual energy”  For the Farmer and I …check.

What are the Warning signs of Caregiver stress?  Inability to concentrate, (uh huh?) Tension headaches….For Me… check (Farmer hasn’t said if he’s had any headaches lately).

What Can I do to reduce the Caregiver stress in my life?   Keep a positive attitude…CHECK, Believe in yourself…CHECK, Accept there are events you cannot control….CHECK.

I found a Web-site where Parkinson’s Caregiver’s post, it broke the dam, and I have cried for about the last half hour.  I have seen Momma in those posts, and I have realized that the Farmer and I are not alone, because some of those posts go back to 2006.  The story is always the same, and it breaks my heart, because folks…we are there.

Something hit me in reading and I would like to share with you:

“People are like stained glass windows: They sparkle and shine when the sun’s out, but when darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within”   – Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.

My Momma is in that poor body, this I know, there are sparkles every now and then, I understand she’s tired, and scared and hell I don’t know what else.

I know that my family is hurting because we have been so close to my Mother who has ALWAYS taken GREAT care of us, and we know there’s nothing we can do to  help.  This disease will attack anyone at any time, and no one will be ready for it when it strikes.  You will try to be strong in front of your loved one only to realize how weak you truly are.

I seriously do not want my Momma to suffer, and right now I am struggling,  the woman I saw today was a shell, and I want so bad for Momma to come back.  I want her to open her eyes and give me that “famous” Momma smile.

I told the Farmer, that I would not take nothing less than being positive. He seemed a little defeated to me, and I tried to make him feel better.  I understand his pain, mine is the same.  The Nursing Student stopped by, she cried.  We all are feeling the pain.  The College Student has called my house 2 times today, she’s worried too. 

I know that Momma is on about 20 different prayer chains, and I know in my heart, that this quote was written for me at this time….

“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle.  I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much”  –  Mother Teresa





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