Confessions from Camsgranny….

Confession, it’s good for the soul, right?  I’ve decided to confess some of the things that I’ve harbored lately.

I have harbored a resentment to my “Summerdryer”, although I can now confess, I’m over it, thanks to the Electrician finding a suitable replacement.  I seriously like “my”   new dryer, it makes a sound when the cycle is over AND it has a light in it.  (My kids think I’m nuts, and told me “Welcome to 2012 Mom”. )

I’ve harbored resentment lately to  my pillow.  It seems it wants to Divorce me because we haven’t spent that much time together.  What the heck?

Ok, now that I’ve got that off my chest, whew I feel so much better, how about y’all?

I have noticed something lately though, I have kind of slacked off on my blogging.  Oh, I’ll post a couple of posts one night and then not do anything the next night.  I don’t think it’s because I’m in a slump.  I believe that sometimes, I really can’t find the words to describe what I am feeling.

While I try to post positive things, not all aspects of my life are positive.  Sometimes, I find it hard.  Very Hard.

I guess, when I deal with a situation I haven’t dealt with before, I try to adapt.  Sometimes, it takes a couple of times, before you just think of it as normal.  Some of Momma’s behavior is becoming normal.  I find that terribly sad.

It seriously tears me up inside, when Momma, has such a hard time that she gets frustrated and cries.   She wants to do something and then either forgets what it is or her limbs don’t participate with what she wants to do.

The fact that she tries so hard, lets me know, she’s in there, just because some of her brain wires are not connecting, she shows me every now and then, she’s in there, and wants to come out.

Sometimes, I will confess, I monitor what I say because the Farmer reads my blog, and I don’t want him to get upset.  I’m not the only one on this journey, he is to, except, I write down how I feel and he relates to it.

So, I will tell you that this past week has taken a toll on me.  From asking Momma if she needs to use the potty, and her saying No, and then finding out she tells the Farmer she needs to go 20 minutes after I leave.  Folks, Momma is a 2 person lift.  The Farmer and I do it, the other Caretakers and the Farmer do it.  I can do a 1 person lift with Momma ONLY if it is about 1:00 pm and she’s had time to let her meds sink in AND they are working properly.

Momma is getting to the point where she likes to sleep most of the day and then be a night owl.  And let me tell you, she is best around 6:30 – 8:00 pm, after that she takes a quick nap and then wants to stay up most of the night.  Which makes for a VERY CRANKY Momma in the morning.  I must say though, that she doesn’t give me any crap.  Apparently on the weekends, she likes to throw her crankiness around.

The reason this week has taken a toll on me, is I guess, I’ve seen some things in Momma, that make me sad.  She is really no longer capable of writing, there is no motor coordination skills.  I’ve seen her cry this past week more often than not, because she gets upset with herself, and can’t do things she once did.  I had to give her a lecture and try to put the fear of God into her about playing with her G-tube.

Yes, she played with her G-tube, and stretched out the valve.  The Farmer called me early in the morning to tell me about it, but I kind of already knew.  When I had put her to bed, and then left the room, I came back about 15 minutes later and she had the tube all scrunched up in her fingers and I gently told her to “Leave it alone”.  
Well,  after the phone call from the Farmer, I stopped at the Nursing Home on my way over to the Farmer’s house, and they told me what to do to fix it.  I got the Valve fixed and FORCEFULLY, told Momma if she messed with it again, she was going to have to go to the Hospital to have it fixed, and then the Farmer and I would not be able to take care of her.  (She hasn’t it touched it since that I know of).
Momma has been talking a lot about her relatives, and old friends lately.  She’s told me that she’s had tea with some of her relatives, and she’s said that her dreams are pretty vivid, in that she doesn’t always remember they are dreams and thinks it is something that just happened.  
Something happened to me today, that made me realise just how much I focus on Momma, and my family and just exactly where the Rav4 takes me.    I had gone to the Post Office in my small town, and noticed for the first time, my little town has a new BBQ restaurant.    When I told the Electrician about it, he told me “Hon it’s been there for about 3 months”.  
Then it dawned on me, if I am not at the Farmer’s, then I’m at the Nursing Student‘s, if I’m not there, then I am at home.    Folk’s I don’t go anywhere.  I don’t travel around through town.  I don’t know what’s going on in town.  But I can tell you about the deer I see every morning in the Bean fields on my way to the Farmer’s, or the deer I see peeking out of the corn fields on my way home.
I’m seriously starting to think, I need to broaden my Horizon’s and maybe, do something out of the ordinary for me.  I will confess, I think I need to.

One response

  1. Yes, go for a break, even a short one will do wonders to break the routine and change the way you feel. Good luck!
    I had a break from my mom and finds it has helped her a great deal 🙂

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