From My heart….

I’ve had a hard time lately, trying to figure out what I was going to post about.  It’s like I lost my “blogging mojo” so to speak.  With so much going on in my life right now, I’ve kind of stepped back.  While I have pretty much laid it all out there for all of you to take this journey with me, I’ve found lately, I’ve been smacked in the face with some things that are to personnal  to put out into my blogging world.

I guess, it’s because this blog has been written from my heart, and I truly don’t know what I am going to blog about, until I sit down at my computer.    This blog has helped me to express, my feelings over some situations that are hard for me to go through.    It’s become my outlet, so to speak.

I did not realize how much it meant to me, until last night.  Yesterday, I was hit with a situation that tore me up.  I wanted to blog about it, but, my internet went down last night at about 6 pm.  We even called the Fisher Dude to come over and try to help us get it back up and running.

After being on the phone for umpteen hours, we were advised that the problem was at their end and not ours.  Psst… Thanks to the NURSE for letting us kidnap her husband for a bit.

Yes, I said NURSE,  The Nursing student is still a “student” so to speak, But at this time she has achieved her LPN, status, and is working towards her RN status.    Her Father and I are very proud of her.

But yet again, I am sidetracked.   Last night, when I could not blog, I wrote a letter in my notes, on my computer.    I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it.  I felt I had to write it, and I am a little hesitant with sharing it with y’all.   I will do it, simply because, No One should feel this way.  I am opening myself up, and I hope someone hears the message

“I am a tortured soul. I received a phone call this morning that has torn me in two. Sometimes, a Mother does not know what her child needs, and we get all torn up inside and only hope and pray we know what to do.  Me? Nope, I have no idea at this point.
I got a phone call this morning from my youngest son. I was a little startled. “Mom, I saw Dad this morning”. Uhmm “what?”
Let me just advise y’all that “Dad” committed suicide about 3 years ago.
“What the heck are you talking about?” I asked, fear surrounding me. Yes, my youngest son tried to follow in his Father’s footsteps. I get chills just talking about it, and I am so torn I’m not sure what to do.
I gave him my faith, and told him over and over , “No, No, No”. I also told him, when he said it was unsuccessful, that God has oh so many plans for him.
I don’t know how to respond to this. I am totally floored, and am in unfamiliar territory. I don’t know what to say or
do to make it right. I’ve been told by other’s it’s not up to me to make it right.
I’m praying so hard right now, I can’t even begin to tell you. The Electrician has asked me all day if I am okay. I don’t think I am. I am not trying to put myself on the pity pot, I am a very strong person. I am lifting the whole situation up to God, and am praying fiercely that he will take care of my son. I’ve also prayed to my son’s Father. Don’t let him follow in your footsteps.
I have faith, and I am floundering. I realize that I like to control situations, and I have accepted the fact there are some situations I cannot control.
I’m not trying to control this one, because simply I have accepted I have no control, But, at the same token. God take care of my Baby, and let him know there are always other answers, than ending his life. While there is pain, let him know that He is loved, by YOU and also by me. Amen.
I learned a long time ago, that it is going to get worse before it gets better, but at the same token. I believe.
I have typed this tonite into my notebook, simply because I am having internet problems, if I choose to print this when I get my internet back, well…okay, if I choose not to, well okay.
But I have learned some things through my blogging, and that is I have to write about the emotion before it eats me up and spits me out.
This one is a slow killing me softly so to speak. Because truly I do not know how to act, or react, or just be. This one has hurt me, that my Son feels he cannot go on.
I’m angry, hurt, frustrated, and so very sad. That the only legacy or message my ex-husband could leave my kids, was if it gets tough, and hard to live through life, then end it.
What the heck kind of message is that? Jimney Christmas, life is hard, sometimes it truly sucks, but you keep on plugging and go through it.
If you have pain, in your life, fix it, or understand it, Don’t Give up.
To my Son, I say this, You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You’ve had a hard burden you have carried, LET IT GO, YOU are not your Father, YOU have a future, if you just open your eyes, and your heart, and forget all of the other BULLSHIT. I Love you with all of my heart, sometimes I cannot always come through for you, but please, do not kill me by ending your life.

 

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4 responses

  1. my heart goes out to you and my prayers go to your son . I pray God helps your son by opening his eyes and showing him his worthiness. God bless. You are in my thoughts

  2. Oh Jo and I am crying – this is so terrible. Please keep us posted and tell your son we care. Love you and holding your hand.

  3. Praying for your son and for you.

  4. Our children are such precious gifts. To see them in pain is unbearable, to think that they might choose that escape route, even more so. I hope and pray your son finds peace and a way to deal with the burdens he carries. I am so sorry that you and he have had to deal with this. There ought to be a cap on how much heartache a person has to face, but that isn’t reality, is it?

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