I am the daughter of a Parkinson’s Momma. (Yes, I know you know this). I am going through some “things” right now, that are hard for me to speak about. It has been hard, recently for me to blog. period.
It’s not one thing in particular, but sometimes everything in general. I think…I’m tired. When I have thoughts like this, I think about the Farmer. If I am tired, and sad, and worried, I can only imagine what he is feeling.
I had a long discussion with the Nurse last night. Yes, her and Cam-man came over for the regular Wednesday night get together we have started (3 weeks in a row now). We all have giggles and dinner and fun. Last night, Cam-man and his Poppa giggled and carried on, and the Nurse and I talked.
When I say talked, I truly mean talked. We talked about Momma. Where she was this time last year, and where she is today. The Nurse pointed out a bunch of new information to me last night and really started me thinking, and then we got into a lively discussion about “things”.
To be honest, this time last year, Momma was in the Nursing Home fighting her way back. You see, Momma actually died before Christmas a year ago, and on Christmas eve was admitted into the Nursing Home for Rehab, and then allowed to come home in March.
We’ve had an awesome year, and things have been great….until recently. Momma has not been Momma, lately. She is there, trust me, but not very often. She goes through the motions, but does not speak, well sometimes she pops out with a Momma comment, but very far and few. She is getting weaker, and I see it. Sometimes her mind is mush, and I don’t say that lightly.
We still keep the “routine” as close as we can, because there are times the medicine just doesn’t work, and then it really is a bad day. I hate that aspect of things. But in talking with the Nurse last night, I realized something.
Momma may be going “downhill” so to speak, and it may be her time, so to speak, but with all of the things that technology has come up with, she is getting the nutrients she needs to keep her body nourished, because she is on tube feedings.
Don’t get me wrong here, I am not saying I want her to go anywhere, but I find myself asking a bunch of questions there are no answers to. I HATE watching this disease take her over completely. From watching her limbs not cooperate with her, to watching her try so hard to complete a sentence that makes sense. To watching her try to figure out what she wants to say, to feeling her pain over the confusion. To watching her being scared of her hallucinations, and trying to help her through them.
On the other side of the coin, watching the Farmer and seeing how tired he is. Knowing the pain he feels, because it is my own pain, but tripled. I get breaks, he does not, but at the same token, when you marry someone it is “for better or worse, until death do you part”.
The whole situation is one of unbearable pain for all involved. But my first thought, forgive me if it is abstract, but if we feel this pain, I can only imagine what a woman feels, who was totally in control of herself, and gave herself whole hardily to everything she was involved in. To be reduced to having someone else do everything for her, and not even being able to wipe her own butt. Parkinson’s Disease is not pretty, for the person who has it, to the family that deals with it.
But I guess, there is a lesson, or reason that it hit my family. I know it has made us stronger, tougher, and have shared love more easily among us.
If my blog helps just one person understand, or helps them in any way then I guess, it might be what I was supposed to do.
I can’t tell you how many times I have left the Farmer’s house in tears recently. I can’t tell you how many times, I have come home and prayed. I can’t tell you how many times, I have only wanted what was best for Momma. I think God might be tired of hearing from me lately.
But ya know what? It is what it is, and I am going to keep doing what I do. So forgive me peeps if I don’t get to blog as much as I truly want to, but sometimes, after I have bared my soul I just want to hibernate.
I feel better for releasing some of this, there is so much built up. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a dark soul, I have a bunch of things going on right now that makes me want to jump for joy, I am just not at the point I can share them with you.
Thanks for listening….:)