Troubled…and heart-broken….

Camsgranny is troubled…. She has had some awesome days with Cam-Man and momma.  But today when she arrived home, and checked her e-mail and other stuff, She carried on.  Nothing new here…..

I had just finished doing a warm-up meal ( food out of the fridge that was saved for day’s like this), when my phone rang, it was from one of my fellow bloggers, that I’ve known for about a year.

Her journey is similar to mine to an extent.  While I care for Momma, she cares for her brother….It broke my heart, at what she told me.  The desperation in her voice, hurt me.  While I tried to give her comfort, I knew in my heart what the new, news means.

I can’t make it all better, I could not even try, the only thing I can give her is my experience over what I’ve dealt with. It does not even reach what she is dealing with.

It’s hard this road I travel.  I don’t just deal with Momma, I deal with other people and their journey too.  Maybe I am to empathetic over not only my own struggles but other people’s as well.

My Biggest concern today?  And trust me it might change at any given time….BRING awareness into other people’s lives.  I’ve had a good long time to get prepared for what Parkinson’s will bring us, other people might not.

The biggest thing?  Parkinson‘s will attack you and take from you what you are not willing to give.  Us?   The Caretaker‘s of our family members….we sit back and try to make the person affected with this nasty disease, feel comfortable and do the best with what we know.  But…we don’t know a lot…..

While Parkinson’s might not affect you, it does affect a bunch more people than you would like to think,  Let’s be there for them?

I typed this last night, and I saved it, obviously for a reason….  Sometimes, I type out my story on this keyboard, just to let my emotions out.  It’s been my saving grace so to speak.

I’m worried tonite folks…Momma is battling a cold which could turn into pneumonia at any time.  That is one of the front-runners of killing a parks person.  My beloved Nurse, came over today to “check” Momma out, the prognosis was good at this moment.   I think we all fear the same thing.

But the fear itself is only selfishness on our part, by wanting to keep our loved one’s here.  At what price? I   probably should not post this, simply for the fact, I’m open and my heart is ready to be tromped….Please let us dodge this bullet for the time being, because honestly….I’m not ready to let go….

I was not going to post this, I have been working on it all week.  I used to post on my blog everyday.  It helped me to release some of the feelings I have.  But I have found recently, with events changing, I can’t put out there what I used to.  It is to personal for me.  The Farmer reads my blog, and he is dealing with everything that I am, if not more.

I have found through my journey, and it’s not over, but I have become aware of a bunch of different things.  I used to sail through life, not giving much attention to things, that didn’t really affect me.    My eyes have been opened to so much, and I have felt more emotion in the past 3 years, than I could ever begin to describe.  My journey has changed me as a person.

I think it has changed me for the better.  I do not judge ANYONE anymore, I have learned it is not my place.  I have also learned, compassion.  I have also learned that Parkinson’s affects more people than even I realized, and if talking about it, helps one person, than I am helping.  In some small way, I’ve helped.

Momma is ok today.  The cold has not turned into pneumonia.  The Nurse has helped me learn a bunch of new things, and if they help Momma,  I’m all for it.

While I will tell you, I will try to post more often, I sometimes hesitate, simply because, it’s real, it’s emotional, and sometimes….it hurts to open yourself up that much.

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3 responses

  1. glad your Mama is comfortable today

  2. Its hard to know what to say Jo. I hear you. I feel you. Im so sorry.

    My Mom will pass soon from cancer. In her lung and kidney. im lucky though because she beat it for a long time. 15 years since she first beat it in her lung. Although the first bought took most of the life out of her, we still had her with us, without much suffering. Its hard to understand any of this sometimes. Even as a christian, I have to ask why?! Whats the purpose?!

    I’m sure it has made you a better person! : ) I feel like its the opposite for me. I seem to become a harder more irritable person. It helps to read stuff like your blog. Thanks for sharing! xo

  3. I struggle too and wish there were more general awareness of PD. I wish (selfishly) that you would post more often because you are always such a breath of fresh air no matter what – but also for your sake. Sending love Joxxxx

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