Hey Y’all…How are all of you doing? While I have had my blog going on 3 years now, I used to post daily. After the first year, I still posted daily and was a proud member of the Post a day, I did it for the first 2 years of my blog. Somehow…life seemed to get in the way, and I quit laying down all the words on paper (so to speak).
Somewhere along the way, some things got to painful for me to write down anymore. You see, if I write them, that makes them real. Maybe I have been running from them, or maybe I just don’t want to “share” that part of me. I’m not sure of the answer.
Lately, I feel, I have been on “overload”, and no one seems to understand it, least of all me. I’ve been mean to my husband, I’ve been mean to the Farmer, and I’ve cried buckets. Sometimes, I feel so torn in every direction, that somewhere along the line, I “lost” me.
Yes, I am the daughter of a Parkinson’s Momma, yes, I am the Farmer’s daughter, yes, I am the Electrician’s wife, Yes, I am Momma to the kids. Yes, I am “Jo” to Cam-man. But lately, I’ve wondered, who is Jo?
I had kind of “AHA” moment this morning at Church, and the sermon filled my heart. But after hearing it, I went on and was mean to the Farmer, of which I apologize for.
Sometimes, things hit me and I do feel on “over load”, there is so much I feel compelled to do, and not a lot of people understand it. I don’t understand it, and it’s me.
I feel guilt in my heart, for things I’ve done recently, and I don’t want to be the nasty person I am and can be. I can only hope that the Farmer and the Electrician can understand me, they know me the best.
It’s not an easy road I walk, I try to balance everything and everyone, and do the best that I can. Sometimes I fall short of everyone else’s expectations. But I guess I will say to them, I am me, and I am doing the best I can with what I know.
I do know in my heart, I am meant to take care of Momma, and give her peace, when peace is sometimes hard to achieve. There are times, when I could just curl up and give, but I won’t, because Momma needs me right now, and I’m sorry to the rest of my family, that may have to do without me at certain times, and may have to do things for themselves. But honestly, we are all in this thing together. All’s I ask, is that you work with me.
I have joy in my day, at different times. But I have also learned the hard way, I need time to myself, to just be me, if that means staying in my p.j.’s all day and not doing anything, then that is what I need. I, as a Caretaker, am really good at taking care of everyone else, but taking care of me? Nope, not so good at that. I’m not complaining, really I am not, I am just trying to explain to those around me, (and they read my blog), that maybe, I might need a little bit of extra care, or maybe even just a “Thank you” and some appreciation. Goodness, knows I appreciate all of y’all.
Sometimes, being a Caregiver is a hard thing, but sometimes, the Blessings outweigh the bad, and maybe I am just going through a rough patch right now, who knows.
Sometimes, I am so confused by the roller coaster of emotions that I go through on a daily basis, that my whole insides are overturned and then some. Some days are a giggle fest, other’s are a crying fest. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and yes, while I am learning a bunch, I hurt a bunch too. I’m trying my best not to be a wimp, and maybe my reflex is to be mean, that’s not right either.
Someone told me the following: “Sometimes, the hardest lessons hurt the most…” True. And they often teach the most.
I’m learning a bunch right now, but that doesn’t make any less painful……