Really Feeling It….

I have always looked at my Blog as a place to put my feelings into perspective.  To try to share them with all of y’all, and make sense of them myself.    The funny thing is, I seem to have lost my way, so to speak.

Sometimes, I re-read what I have written and I feel what I was feeling at the time I wrote them.  I go through every emotion and every feeling that I had at the time.  I look back, and I laugh, and I cry, I cry hard, because there are so many things I never said.

I really am not trying to be depressing, I am trying to figure out some things in my mind at the moment.  I made a post a few times about the  “Que Sera Sera” effect.  While it still rings true today, it has a different meaning.

I’ve noticed some things lately, they are not happy things, they are things, that make my heart give a big “uh oh”… They are things that I have watched over the past few years, and while Momma is “still here”, she is not “still here”.

I had a “first” this past week, Momma did not know who I was.  That truly hurt my heart.    I knew it was coming, but I never thought I would react the way I did.  It hurts, inside, but you cannot let it show outside.

We also had some good times, where Momma knew who I was, she always knows who the Farmer is.  We talked about it today, when she mentioned that she was “old” when she got married,.  When I reminded her of the fact they have been married for 31 + years, she smiled and said yes, it was a good thing.

Momma was mad today.  She was mad, that I had to wipe her butt, when she had an “accident” and that she could no longer control, her body.  She was also not to happy at the fact, that I made her get out of bed today. When I woke her  up and told her it was time to get up, she was just plain old mad.

Forgive me, but that was a good thing.  Because, I made her move and get her muscles moving, and proceed with the day, she got mad, at me.  I will not let her just sleep 24/7, I will not let her just give up.  Maybe I should, some of you ask?

Nope, that is not my Momma, my Momma is tired, and I know it, but I will not let her go down without fighting.  Maybe, I am selfish,maybe I am fighting a never-ending battle, BUT until she tells me it’s over, it ain’t over, and there is not a fat lady singing….

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4 responses

  1. excellent and moving post

  2. Thank you for sharing what you are going through. As the nearest relatives to someone who is near the end of his life, my wife and I are dealing with many of the same things you are, but not 24/7. Hang in there! I’m thinking of you and what you’re going through.

  3. I lived nearly 3000 miles from my dad who suffered through Parkinson’s disease with Dementia. Very frustrating for me, because I had my own family to take care of. I tried to make it to see him as much as I could. The last time I saw him, I knew it would be the last. There were parts of his personality that were still there, but I am not sure he knew we were all visiting, or who we were.

    However, my sister and I had long conversations over this. It brought some sort of comfort to us, even if there was little truth to it. We don’t know what reaches the emotions/brain/cognition of a patient suffering from Dementia, they can’t really communicate. The thoughts inside their brains are all mixed up—confusing. There is a short between what they are thinking and what they can communicate. Yeah, I’m not a doctor, but it helped us to stay kind. To mind what we said to my dad. To let him know how much he was loved. I will be forever grateful to my sister for being there in my place.

    Toward the end of his life, he had to enter a care facility because my mom could no longer lift him. He was to the point he needed nursing care to flip him over in bed, to get him in and out of a wheel chair by lifting. He could not help her help him. He could no longer walk, and had to have a wheel chair that “tipped” back with pillows keeping his head from falling forward, or slipping out of the chair. The words my dad always said to me—-I hope I go peacefully in my sleep, and never have to be a burden, or to live in a nursing home—-played over and over in my head. I have some peace knowing that they gave him the best care, and treated him with respect.

    However, until that happened, we all gave him respect and let him go about his business. I remember one visit to my parent’s house—-it was about 6-months before he was really losing his ability to assist us with moving him around. He had an idea of building a sprinkler system for their front yard. His idea was for an above ground system, using PVC pipe. My mom took him to the store many times to buy pieces—the same pieces he already had. He spent many hours messing with those pieces.

    I guess what I am saying—-your mom will tell you when it is time to quit pushing her. She may get mad, angry, and say hurtful things, but that is the disease—-not your mom. Besides, you never really know what is reaching her mind or her heart—-I always assumed they always know, but don’t have the ability to acknowledge what they feel or sort out what they are thinking.

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