I have always looked at my Blog as a place to put my feelings into perspective. To try to share them with all of y’all, and make sense of them myself. The funny thing is, I seem to have lost my way, so to speak.
Sometimes, I re-read what I have written and I feel what I was feeling at the time I wrote them. I go through every emotion and every feeling that I had at the time. I look back, and I laugh, and I cry, I cry hard, because there are so many things I never said.
I really am not trying to be depressing, I am trying to figure out some things in my mind at the moment. I made a post a few times about the “Que Sera Sera” effect. While it still rings true today, it has a different meaning.
I’ve noticed some things lately, they are not happy things, they are things, that make my heart give a big “uh oh”… They are things that I have watched over the past few years, and while Momma is “still here”, she is not “still here”.
I had a “first” this past week, Momma did not know who I was. That truly hurt my heart. I knew it was coming, but I never thought I would react the way I did. It hurts, inside, but you cannot let it show outside.
We also had some good times, where Momma knew who I was, she always knows who the Farmer is. We talked about it today, when she mentioned that she was “old” when she got married,. When I reminded her of the fact they have been married for 31 + years, she smiled and said yes, it was a good thing.
Momma was mad today. She was mad, that I had to wipe her butt, when she had an “accident” and that she could no longer control, her body. She was also not to happy at the fact, that I made her get out of bed today. When I woke her up and told her it was time to get up, she was just plain old mad.
Forgive me, but that was a good thing. Because, I made her move and get her muscles moving, and proceed with the day, she got mad, at me. I will not let her just sleep 24/7, I will not let her just give up. Maybe I should, some of you ask?
Nope, that is not my Momma, my Momma is tired, and I know it, but I will not let her go down without fighting. Maybe, I am selfish,maybe I am fighting a never-ending battle, BUT until she tells me it’s over, it ain’t over, and there is not a fat lady singing….