Confessions, and Heart break….

I am a daughter of a Parkinson’s Momma.  I am not a medically inclined person, in any way shape or form.  I have been an Insurance Claims Adjuster for about 15 years, and then followed my true love of food, and been a waitress, chef, and manager of a restaurant for about 7 years.  This was all  before I gave it all up, because My Momma had Parkinson’s.

On a wild day, when the Farmer was a little over whelmed, I made the comment I could come and help him, and take care of Momma, and give my job up, but I had one problem.  I had just bought a new car (well…new to me) and the Electrician while he makes good money, did not need to be saddled with bills I had incurred.    The Farmer and I made an agreement, and so it was born.  I would give up my job, (although to be totally truthful here, it was either be fired or quit, because I really do have an alligator mouth that over rides my rabbit ass.)

So, it came to be, I would be Momma’s Caregiver.  At first, it was a walk in the park.  Momma still had her facilities about her, and only needed help with maybe getting up and taking a bath, and maybe washing her hair.  While the Farmer is my Dad, he was not as fastidious, not my Momma, about keeping things clean, so I busied my days with cleaning house and taking care of both of them.

The Electrician was on the road at the time, so time I spent with them, and  was not giving up any time other than being by myself.  The electrician came home on the weekends and the only thing he asked of me, was please, be home at that time.  Piece of cake.

unfortunately for me, Momma had a really BAD spell, this was after the Electrician had finished his time on the road and was home.  You see, I didn’t just take care of Momma, I took care of Cam-Man.  I can remember this clearly in my head like it was yesterday.  I picked up Cam-man, and his Momma had told me he didn’t feel good.  The next thing I knew, I was down and out, so was the Farmer and Momma too.    I recovered sorta, and went over to the Farmer’s.  I puked at Momma’s state, and knew, we had to call an ambulance.

Momma spent 7 days in the ICU unit, and was released up to the fourth floor.  Next thing I knew, I got a call and Momma had stopped breathing and I rushed to the Hospital, full of prayer, and crying the whole time.    Momma survived that experience.  I don’t think I have ever been so scared in my whole life.

Momma was accepted into a Nursing Home (Thanks to the Nurse, who worked there and spoke to the DON).  Momma started therapy, so she could return home to us.  She went through  4 months of therapy, and was finally released.  She came home.  The whole house was re-arranged to accommodate her new “life”.

With momma’s ‘new life” there were so many changes we had to make.  We hired “Caregiver’s” simply because the Farmer and I could not handle it on our own.

THAT was almost 2 years ago.  I have been Momma’s full time Caregiver, and also taken care of the Farmer too.  It is with deep sorrow, that I can no longer do that.

To anyone reading this, for the first time.  I ask you, Could you do that?  I have been torn two sides of Sunday and then some in between.

I am me. I puke at the sign of snot, anyone who blows their nose in front of me, I will probably puke.  Anyone who coughs up anything, I will puke.  Blood?  do not get me started….I was never inclined to be anything other than I am.  I love food, and cooking.  period.

The past few years, I have accepted and done what I thought a “good daughter” should.  I have made family members suffer from my “absence”.  I never thought it would affect me like it has.  This is not about my family members, this is about me.  period.

I’ve tried to explain to the Farmer and also the Electrician.  I have had many conversations with many people, but at the end of the day, it comes right back to me.

Forgive me for being selfish at this point in my life.  Don’t get me wrong in any way shape or form.   There are people who are on this earth to go through what I’ve been through and they can do it.  I’ve reached a point, where I cannot.

I had a very long conversation with someone who is special to me today. She answered some of the questions I had, I also had a very long conversation with a family member today, and she gave me the same answers.

I give……period.  This is a painful journey, and I have to cry “I’m done” at this point.  I can no longer give up the personal sacrifice, nor can I do what is expected of me at this point.

Have I hurt peeps at this point, oh yea, I have.  But when you are in survival mode, you have to give up something.  I cannot go down with the ship.  Will I be there, HELL YES, but I cannot lose myself in this thing anymore.

So my confession is this.  While love the Farmer and Momma too, I cannot do this anymore.  There I said it.   I am ME. and Momma knows this, she gave me the words yesterday.  This whole situation is killing me softly, and everyone and relationships around me.  While it is a daughter’s duty to do this, I give.  Because simply, I am me, and I give……

I want my old life back.  i want to be free again.  I don’t want to have to worry about the things I have been worrying about.  Trust me they never go away, but when Momma told me yesterday, “I am ok, go and do what you NEED to”, well it hit a chord in me. Momma knows me, probably better than most.

I simply cannot deal with what SHE has been given.   So while it breaks my heart, I’ve removed myself from the situation.  It doesn’t mean I won’t  still be there checking up on everything.  It just meant, sometimes things are so painful you have to remove yourself from a situation and re-evaluate what you have.

I love my Momma, but it has become to painful for me to be there.  While it may make sense to some, it really does not to me, but it is something I have to do.

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3 responses

  1. Thank you for speaking your truth in such a vulnerable way. You were forced with a terrible, and perhaps almost impossible decision. May you both get all the care and love that you both need.

  2. Oh I am so sorry I didn’t see this earlier so I could give you some comfort, Jo! I’ve been sick + internet is iffy. Please email or FB mo let me know you’re. I bravo you for thid heartbreakingly heroic decision. Juliexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  3. I regret I did not notice this beautiful piece of humanity earlier. Bless you!!! Such honesty in the open…the realities, the weight of it all, the torn parts of you. I wish you and yours all the very best and I am glad you have your sense of self…it will help you to survive.

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