I have always looked at my Blog as a place to put my feelings into perspective. To try to share them with all of y’all, and make sense of them myself. The funny thing is, I seem to have lost my way, so to speak.
Sometimes, I re-read what I have written and I feel what I was feeling at the time I wrote them. I go through every emotion and every feeling that I had at the time. I look back, and I laugh, and I cry, I cry hard, because there are so many things I never said.
I really am not trying to be depressing, I am trying to figure out some things in my mind at the moment. I made a post a few times about the “Que Sera Sera” effect. While it still rings true today, it has a different meaning.
I’ve noticed some things lately, they are not happy things, they are things, that make my heart give a big “uh oh”… They are things that I have watched over the past few years, and while Momma is “still here”, she is not “still here”.
I had a “first” this past week, Momma did not know who I was. That truly hurt my heart. I knew it was coming, but I never thought I would react the way I did. It hurts, inside, but you cannot let it show outside.
We also had some good times, where Momma knew who I was, she always knows who the Farmer is. We talked about it today, when she mentioned that she was “old” when she got married,. When I reminded her of the fact they have been married for 31 + years, she smiled and said yes, it was a good thing.
Momma was mad today. She was mad, that I had to wipe her butt, when she had an “accident” and that she could no longer control, her body. She was also not to happy at the fact, that I made her get out of bed today. When I woke her up and told her it was time to get up, she was just plain old mad.
Forgive me, but that was a good thing. Because, I made her move and get her muscles moving, and proceed with the day, she got mad, at me. I will not let her just sleep 24/7, I will not let her just give up. Maybe I should, some of you ask?
Nope, that is not my Momma, my Momma is tired, and I know it, but I will not let her go down without fighting. Maybe, I am selfish,maybe I am fighting a never-ending battle, BUT until she tells me it’s over, it ain’t over, and there is not a fat lady singing….
Have you ever just had one of those days, when the world is bringing you down, and you just want to giggle? I had one of those today. I’m not quite sure how it happened, but it did.
I will confess, I feel on “overload” at the moment, and I’m dealin the best way, I know how. It isn’t easy at times, and there are certainly times, I could throw the towel into the ring and say ‘I give”.
But ya know what? That’s not my ‘style”. I got “swagger”, yea, like I really know what that means to the people of today, but to me? It means, I can deal with anything and everything, because I can. (psst, I’ve got God backing me, I’m not gonna lose).
I’ll be honest with y’all, lately times with Momma have been rough. Throw the fact in that my kid, is doing terrible, well… sometimes I just don’t know what to say.
I can say this…. I’ve learned how to find a moment with myself, be it with headphones on and listening to every shape of music there is, and singing loudly (mostly off-key). To also bugging some people from my childhood, who are still here. Thank goodness for them. I’ve leaned heavily on y’all lately. I thank each of you, and I hope you know who you are. If ya don’t well, then…… y’all know what I would say. Oh you really expected for me to say…oops….figure it out.
I have so much help and support for everything. From my Electrician, to family, to extended family, to friends, to God, to my readers, who give me so much encouragement through the things they write.
I’ve giggled more than once today, I’ve been scared beyond all recognition today, I’ve found calm and peace. I’ve been on a roller coaster ride today that I did not pay for (didn’t really want the ride), But it’s okay..
Tomorrow is another day, and I’m on this ride. So, mise well throw my arms up in the air and wave them….which reminds me of something Cam and I do……2…4…6…8… EVERYONE do the crazy shake….I’m doing it….
Have you ever had just one friend in your life, who is your go-to person? Someone who has known you the longest? As a military “brat”, who transformed into an Overseas “brat”, I made friends, but left them behind each time we moved. We moved a bunch too, until we arrived in England.
In the first 18 years of my life, I believe I lived in England the longest. If y’all follow my blog, then you know I went to a boarding school. To an only child it’s like having about 100 brothers and sisters, who have never left me.
I’ve been dealing with some personal stuff lately, with one of my kids. It has been a Mother’s nightmare. Just because a child grows up, and is 30 years old, when they come to be on a “suicide watch“, it is a very scary thing. This is not the first time with this son. Hopefully it will be last time. It is a very heartbreaking situation, and I am praying so gratefully for the outcome.
My son’s father committed suicide, and when my son gets overwhelmed, or in general just feels he has done so much wrong, and cannot be forgiven, and so far down in that pit of deep despair, he feels this is his only answer.
I have clawed, prayed and fought for him. He deserves it, and he is very loveable. But sometimes he makes very bad decisions. He knows right from wrong, and he is not a bad kid. Kind of like that saying ‘When I am bad, I’m bad, but when I am good, I am great. Good kid, wrong crowd, and BAM, trouble. (Uhm, bear with me I do have a point, but I am working my way to it ok?).
I have been on a roller coaster all weekend, this past weekend being Father’s Day, and stuff, and it hit my kid hard. I kind of felt guilty in a way that I was having so much fun, while he was in such despair.
I posted on Facebook to everyone I knew, to please pray for him. I started prayer chains all over the place. Friends of mine, started prayer chains for him to. People who did not even know him, prayed for him.
I breathed a sigh of relief today, after a pretty heartbreaking discussion ( might I just say, my kid is not in the same State as I, and is also in jail and our only contact is phone and letters), My son was crying and hung up on me. He was not happy with what I said. About five minutes later, he called again, and it was as if a light switch had went off in his head, and he told me “I get it Mom. I love you and Thank you for never giving up on me, I won’t be selfish anymore, I’ve made mistakes, and I get what you’re saying. Just please, do not ever give up on me, I’m ok now, I’ve got a lot to think about, especially what you have said. I would never hurt you for the world after all you have done for me, and I was not thinking about how what I would do, would affect you. You are right, there is more to this life than what I’ve done, and I am on the way up. After all, I’m in the bottom now, and like you said I can only go up from here. Thank you Mom. I Love you, ”
After typing this, it brings tears to my eyes, simply because I was fighting with all I am, for him. Now mind you, while I had this conversation with him, I was giving Momma a bath and washing her hair, and doing what I normally do. I finished up getting Momma up and doing all the stuff I do, and headed home.
When I walked in the door, the first thing I do is check my phone. I had 3 missed calls and 2 voice mails. After by-passing the missed calls I went to the voice mails. I started laughing, belly laughing at one of my voice mails. I couldn’t help it.
One of my “former” room-mates from about 35 years ago, had left me a voice mail, that I had to laugh over. I dialed up her number and spent the next (cough) (okay, I’m busting myself out) 1 1/2 hours on the phone with. Her and I giggled, talked about life, both of our stuff, and also the reality of our situations..
She told me, that whenever she reads something on Facebook that I put out there, I am real. (Well duh, it’s life and I’m dealin), but other’s put stuff out there to make them look perfect. We discussed a bunch of stuff and have figured out that no one is perfect, but we are ready to accept and deal with what we have.
I truly spent an enjoyable time this afternoon, and the Electrician was laughing at me, because when he arrived home (I was talking on the phone baking cookies and not really paying attention to anything but my phone call), he walked in and said ‘Uhm Hello?” When I came around the corner he asked me if I knew the Air conditioning was on and the house was opened wide up. Oops….Thanks P…..
I give serious Thanks to those peeps, and ALL of you, that have helped me make it through this weekend, with my son. But I have to give a special shout out to my girl “P”. Who knows me better than most, she knew when I was ready to talk, and talk we did.
To my friend P….HOLLA….girl I love you…To the Farmer…Thank YOU for all you have done, and once again…uhm…we got a phone bill. To the Electrician, just a quick HOLLA….you know what I mean. To my son, who will not read this until about 4 years from now, Your Momma loves you with all of her heart, and I hope and pray, it will be okay….