Didja ever, wonder about the stars?
didja ever wonder about life?
didja ever wonder, where you are today is where you would be?
didja ever wonder, how confused life can get?
didja ever wonder, how can things be so out of whack, that you can’t seem to find yourself back in the whack?
didja ever wonder why?
didja ever wonder why not?
didja ever just lay in the grass and stare up at the stars and just breath?
didja ever just catch a fire fly with a mason jar?
didja ever wish you could go back in time, to your childhood with the knowledge you have today?
didja ever just wonder at the marvels of life?
didja ever think someone else was in charge?
didja ever, just think?
didja ever give Thanks for your Blessings?
didja ever wonder what your Blessings were?
didja ever, just think, yea, I got this, and you don’t?
didja ever just wish that things could be different?
didja ever just Thank your family for having you?
didja ever just wish things could be oh so different?
didja ever just stop to smell the roses?
didja ever just wonder about all your friends and family that have passed before you?
Didja ever wonder Do I really have an angel following me?
didja ever just take a moment to smell the flowers?
didja ever just forget about all the chores you had to do, and simply enjoy the moment?
didja ever just stop and think, I am a speck on the universe and what I do does not really matter?
didja ever think that a smile from you could brighten up a strangers day?
didja ever think, some are called to do something, and others are not?
didja ever think that the one’s that appear strong, really are not?
didja ever think, that sometimes, the one’s that are the quietest, really have the most to say?
didja ever think, that, sometimes, I think too much and it can really harm you?
I have some issues lately. I think too much, some say I have too much time on my hands, but ya know what? I really don’t. I try so hard to fill up every moment of my day, just so I don’t have to think.
But at the same token, I do have some randomness in my day, and then my mind starts working, and I don’t know how to shut it off.
I’m okay, really I am, I think fear is my biggest enemy right now. If you have followed me, then you know what I am talking about. Things are not getting better, they are getting worse. Not everyone see’s it, but I do. I guess, because I feel Blessed to be in Momma‘s inner circle. Although today sucked some green Twinkies…. She thought her Mom was still here, and it was like she relived every part of it, except her Mom’s been gone for some 14-18 years now. Having to tell her that about crushed me. BUT….
didja ever wonder how a disease lives?
didja ever wonder, how the person with it feels?
I am getting a glimpse into it, I don’t like it but I will deal….
I’m not to sure what lesson’s I am learning, but I’m here, and ready. Sometimes, I just wish the rest of the family was with me. It’s ok, because, I understand what I am doing, takes time away from my family, I just hope and pray they know what it means to me.
Forgive me folks this is a day late post. Yesterday, I cruised on over to the Farmer’s and we were under a storm watch. The Farmer and I watched the skies, and figured pfft…it isn’t anything.
When my cell phone rang, it was the Nurse, and she was calling from my house. “Hey, Jo? We are at your house , it’s bad out there and we don’t have power, so we all came over to your house ok?” . Looking outside, I thought…uhm.. okay. I told her it was fine and since she was at my house, could she please put the ribs I had out for dinner in the crock pot for me.
After thinking for a minute, I called her back and the conversation went kind of like this..
me “Hey, keep the fisher dude away from my freezer, ESPECIALLY my Andouille Sausage”
her “Uh OH, uhm he just opened it, and is getting ready to fry it with some shrimp he found in the freezer too.”
me “Well, make sure he at least leaves the LAST package for me ok? I don’t care if he has shrimp too”.
her “I swear, I just told him, he is acting like a boyfriend in high school over at his girlfriend’s house cruising through the fridge while her parents are gone and grabbing EVERYTHING he can find.”
I would have responded but I was laughing too hard.
We finished talking rather rapidly when lightning lit up the sky and crackled in the phone.
The storm blew through where I was with not that much rain about .37 of an inch, and the power flickered at the Farmer’s house a couple of times, but nothing major. It pretty much blew over and out rather quickly.
I finished doing all my stuff, and getting Momma up, and then I was ready to head down the road, the sun was shining and all was well.
On my trip home, I decided to go the back way, simply because I was tired of driving through town. I drove the 18.6 miles, and had just gone around the final curve in the woods, and it’s a straight shot to enter my small town the back way. I was following another car, who was moving a little slow (thankful now, might have been cussing at the time). All of a sudden out of the corn fields a deer comes sliding across the road in front of me, and I slammed on my brakes. So did the truck coming from the opposite direction.
I think the deer were playing, because no sooner as one comes out of the cornfield sliding on his tummy across the road, a couple of corn rows down here come 2more. I decided it was all clear and so did the truck, as we passed each other, we waved, and kid of saluted, thanking goodness, we did not obtain any new hood ornaments. I did slow down a bit to look to my right, and all 3 deer were standing in the shadows, and I think they were giggling.
As I get into town, I am amazed… the following pictures were taken by a friend of mine, Bethany Combs Williams, and she said I could use them…
It’s amazing to me, that my little town got 4.1 inches of rain in an hour and a half. Power was out all over town (I live just outside of town). I pulled into my driveway and no one was there, so I thought the kids had the power back on (nope, I was to learn that later).
I looked at the destruction, and thought, “Well, I guess I’m glad we burned everything in the burn pit this past weekend, because I am about to fill it up.”
I came inside and then got busy. I went back outside and proceeded to pick up all the limbs that had fallen off the trees and all the sticks (or almost frickin full trees), and carried them back to the burn pit. It took me an hour, and I kept telling myself, the Electrician will be happy, because he’s had a few stressful days and I didn’t want him to come home to this. My neighbor was watching me from the comfort of his back porch, and after having carried armful of limbs and dragging a whole frickin tree, he asked me “Do you want to use my wheelbarrow?” I won’t tell you what I said UNDER my breath, but I did advise him nicely, that I thought I only had one more load, and I was good. Plus, I was thinking that there was a Beer in the fridge with MY name on it. By now, the burn pit is FULL, and I figured I had picked most of them up, and I needed a break.
I came inside and Yes, I was drinking my beer, when the door opened and I heard a little voice, “Jo, are you home and where is Papa?” Apparently the kids still did not have power, and Cam man and his Momma (The Fisher dude was at work) had come back to my house, because they had no power and it was hot out there. To make a long story short, it was so much fun to have them here last night, and they did get power back.
My day was full, and I enjoyed it, although to be quite honest with you? I am not picking up another friggin tree branch, limb, or stick for a while.
I have always looked at my Blog as a place to put my feelings into perspective. To try to share them with all of y’all, and make sense of them myself. The funny thing is, I seem to have lost my way, so to speak.
Sometimes, I re-read what I have written and I feel what I was feeling at the time I wrote them. I go through every emotion and every feeling that I had at the time. I look back, and I laugh, and I cry, I cry hard, because there are so many things I never said.
I really am not trying to be depressing, I am trying to figure out some things in my mind at the moment. I made a post a few times about the “Que Sera Sera” effect. While it still rings true today, it has a different meaning.
I’ve noticed some things lately, they are not happy things, they are things, that make my heart give a big “uh oh”… They are things that I have watched over the past few years, and while Momma is “still here”, she is not “still here”.
I had a “first” this past week, Momma did not know who I was. That truly hurt my heart. I knew it was coming, but I never thought I would react the way I did. It hurts, inside, but you cannot let it show outside.
We also had some good times, where Momma knew who I was, she always knows who the Farmer is. We talked about it today, when she mentioned that she was “old” when she got married,. When I reminded her of the fact they have been married for 31 + years, she smiled and said yes, it was a good thing.
Momma was mad today. She was mad, that I had to wipe her butt, when she had an “accident” and that she could no longer control, her body. She was also not to happy at the fact, that I made her get out of bed today. When I woke her up and told her it was time to get up, she was just plain old mad.
Forgive me, but that was a good thing. Because, I made her move and get her muscles moving, and proceed with the day, she got mad, at me. I will not let her just sleep 24/7, I will not let her just give up. Maybe I should, some of you ask?
Nope, that is not my Momma, my Momma is tired, and I know it, but I will not let her go down without fighting. Maybe, I am selfish,maybe I am fighting a never-ending battle, BUT until she tells me it’s over, it ain’t over, and there is not a fat lady singing….
That would be my Dad aka The Farmer. We have had lively discussions the past few days, and he has shared some of his stories with me about his “growing years”. (He’s done that most of my life, but the juicy stories have come out, now that I am officially an Adult, guess I had to get to 50 before that happened).
Things Dad did for entertainment, take the wagon apart, and put it back together ON TOP of the barn, that’s when he was a little tyke.
He’s always been a Farmer at heart, and loves his John Deere. He did a stint in the Navy, and even today, still gets the Navy newspaper. I was born in a Naval Hospital, and then remember San Diego, when he was stationed at Miramar. I was little then, but do have memories, of those times. Dad got out of the Navy, and joined his other love, Airplanes.
He took me across the pond and we lived in England, for me, until I came home at the age of 18, but he stayed there for about 22-24 years, (Okay, I’m working on memory here, and I’m sure it will hit me after he reads this). Dad showed me most of Europe by the time I was 16. It was a fun time in my memory, and we did make lots of memories.
His true love, Annie, and he came back the U.S.A. and I came to live with them for a time. He got back to his roots, and has loved his farmer’s ways. That’s probably why I call him the Farmer.
My Dad turns 79 years old today. When you think about it, that’s a long time. Or as I like to tell him, he is older than dirt. When I look at Dad, I see my Grandma, they are cut from the same cloth, and I see both of them. These people have molded me and tought me a bunch of stuff.
I can only hope to live to be 79 years old and still be in control and full of it, tehe, (I had to add that in there.)
I guess what I am saying is Happy Birthday Dad, I didn’t get you a card, but I will be cooking you a meal that will blow your socks off, and I will be there to spend the day with you and Momma, and the Electrician is coming too.
All those fireworks that are going off, well…the rest of the country is celebrating what a wonderful man you are, oh yea, and America’s birthday too. (wink)
See this little face? I had the pleasure of spending the day with him today. I got my unhappy butt out of bed at o’dark thirty am, and brushed my teeth, got dressed grabbed a cup of coffee and flew down the road to his house.
I was met by Bella the dog and the Nurse, who blew kisses to me, as she left for work. Lil’ dude was still sleeping, so Bella and I shared some, “she thinks her 40lb butt is a lap dog, while she loved all over me” time. Bella finally settled down and we spent a little quiet time together, she really likes her ears rubbed. (Uhm, please y’all don’t tell Ms. Baby the cat, I’ve been cheating on her ok?)
I heard lil dude waking up, and knew, he would come out of his room and go straight for his parents room, where he would crawl up onto their bed and curl up with whoever was there and go back to sleep, at least that is his usual routine. I didn’t count on him, to see me sitting on the couch and the joy that lit up his face and he ran into my arms. I scooped him up and he was giggling, and talking a mile a minute, “Hi Jo, you got me today? We go to Papa Dan’s? We go play with tractors? You got oatmeal?” And then he took a breath. I guess it was a reunion, I haven’t seen him since last Thursday, when he spent the day with me.
We spent a few minutes just snuggling, and then Bella decided she wanted to snuggle with both of us, and all sorts of giggling, and licking and crazy stuff happened. We got up and lil dude had to show me “I’m a big boy now Jo, watch”. Yes, somewhere along the past few days, lil dude is almost potty trained (so much for the new batch of diapers I bought, but that’s a good thing really).
After getting lil dude dressed, complete with mickey mouse big boy briefs, we grabbed his backpack, packed a few things into it, as in a spare change of clothes, 5 favorite toys, his blankey and a sippy cup, we headed down the road. I had to get gas, so we made a pit stop at the local Casey’s, and got some gas. We then went in to pay and lil dude had to have “bug juice” in a Woody sippy cup (Woody as in Toy Story), and then he thought Papa Dan would like a donut, so he picked one out for him, and away we went.
Papa Dan had to visit the Vampire this morning, and that’s why we hurried over, so we could give Momma her first round of meds. Imagine our surprise, when we arrived, Papa Dan was already home, and smiled big when he saw Cam-man. The first words out of Cams mouth were “Papa Dan, we go see your tractors now PWEASE?”. Cam settled down, we all decided to have breakfast first.
I in my infinite wisdom, had packed a bag from my house to bring with me this morning, it had 3 different choices of Oatmeal, 2 banana’s and some diapers, and a couple of Cam’s favorite snacks in it.
After Cam and Papa Dan had a breakfast of Oatmeal, although Cam was a little miffed because Papa Dan’s had raisins and his didn’t. Papa Dan went to run to the store and Cam and I did some stuff around the house. We swept the kitchen and dining room, and cleaned up some messes we had made on the kitchen floor, when we had a water fight in the sink. We watched a little t.v. and just had a good time.
Cam kept cracking me up though, because it was every 1/2 an hour, he was ready to go potty, but had to have me help a little. We had already set up his stool by the toilet, and he knew to stand on it, but he couldn’t pull his shorts down without help. This kid seriously cracks me up, after going, he proudly looks at me and says, “I tapped it Jo, no drips”. I kept telling him, he was doing good, and he did ALL DAY long, there were no accidents.
Papa Dan and Cam went out to look at the tractors, and I had to laugh when, Cam told Papa Dan, he liked the cub lawn mower better than the John Deere, because of the steering wheel.
When it was time to get Momma up, Cam came in to help me, and Momma started giggling right off the bat, and said, ‘My Goodness, he is a giggle and cheeky too.”.
Fun times were had by all today, and it is such a change from the regular “doom and gloom”. After leaving Papa Dan’s house, Cam came to my house, and we played in his sandbox for about an hour. First I buried his feet, then he buried mine. We both giggled a bunch!
I didn’t worry about what chores I had to do, I just had fun and enjoyed my time with such a cool little person, although I may be biased. But seriously…..looking at this face, it still makes me melt….
It also brings to mind so many giggles, I had and needed today. Out of the mouths of a 3-year-old, especially when he was trying to figure out, how much older papa Dan was, and said to me, “Jo? Your Daddy is old”. I could do nothing but laugh, and say, “Yes, Cam-Man, he is, but he gets around, and has good toys huh?” he replied “UH HUH, and I like his twacters….”.
Hey Y’all…How are all of you doing? While I have had my blog going on 3 years now, I used to post daily. After the first year, I still posted daily and was a proud member of the Post a day, I did it for the first 2 years of my blog. Somehow…life seemed to get in the way, and I quit laying down all the words on paper (so to speak).
Somewhere along the way, some things got to painful for me to write down anymore. You see, if I write them, that makes them real. Maybe I have been running from them, or maybe I just don’t want to “share” that part of me. I’m not sure of the answer.
Lately, I feel, I have been on “overload”, and no one seems to understand it, least of all me. I’ve been mean to my husband, I’ve been mean to the Farmer, and I’ve cried buckets. Sometimes, I feel so torn in every direction, that somewhere along the line, I “lost” me.
Yes, I am the daughter of a Parkinson’s Momma, yes, I am the Farmer’s daughter, yes, I am the Electrician’s wife, Yes, I am Momma to the kids. Yes, I am “Jo” to Cam-man. But lately, I’ve wondered, who is Jo?
I had kind of “AHA” moment this morning at Church, and the sermon filled my heart. But after hearing it, I went on and was mean to the Farmer, of which I apologize for.
Sometimes, things hit me and I do feel on “over load”, there is so much I feel compelled to do, and not a lot of people understand it. I don’t understand it, and it’s me.
I feel guilt in my heart, for things I’ve done recently, and I don’t want to be the nasty person I am and can be. I can only hope that the Farmer and the Electrician can understand me, they know me the best.
It’s not an easy road I walk, I try to balance everything and everyone, and do the best that I can. Sometimes I fall short of everyone else’s expectations. But I guess I will say to them, I am me, and I am doing the best I can with what I know.
I do know in my heart, I am meant to take care of Momma, and give her peace, when peace is sometimes hard to achieve. There are times, when I could just curl up and give, but I won’t, because Momma needs me right now, and I’m sorry to the rest of my family, that may have to do without me at certain times, and may have to do things for themselves. But honestly, we are all in this thing together. All’s I ask, is that you work with me.
I have joy in my day, at different times. But I have also learned the hard way, I need time to myself, to just be me, if that means staying in my p.j.’s all day and not doing anything, then that is what I need. I, as a Caretaker, am really good at taking care of everyone else, but taking care of me? Nope, not so good at that. I’m not complaining, really I am not, I am just trying to explain to those around me, (and they read my blog), that maybe, I might need a little bit of extra care, or maybe even just a “Thank you” and some appreciation. Goodness, knows I appreciate all of y’all.
Sometimes, being a Caregiver is a hard thing, but sometimes, the Blessings outweigh the bad, and maybe I am just going through a rough patch right now, who knows.
Sometimes, I am so confused by the roller coaster of emotions that I go through on a daily basis, that my whole insides are overturned and then some. Some days are a giggle fest, other’s are a crying fest. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and yes, while I am learning a bunch, I hurt a bunch too. I’m trying my best not to be a wimp, and maybe my reflex is to be mean, that’s not right either.
Someone told me the following: “Sometimes, the hardest lessons hurt the most…” True. And they often teach the most.
I’m learning a bunch right now, but that doesn’t make any less painful……
Hey y’all. Yes this pic is an old one, simply because our “big” sister, hasn’t taken a new one and she fell back on the oldies but goodies reel.
Our “other sister” Ms. Baby has gotten to post on the blog, so we felt we should be able to as well. So here, goes.
I’m the one on the left, and my name is Goldie, although recently Momma has called me Ginger, (which should have been my name, but well what can I say?) My Momma named me, as I am technically her kitty. The one across from me ( my bigger sister), is named Spice, and she is the Farmer’s kitty, aka spoiled rotten.
Things around our house have changed lately, and we wanted to add our pawthinking into the mix. This is our Momma’s chair, that we are both guarding. We do it well don’t we? When our big sister first came around, me and Spice were not to sure about her. Yea, she saved us that cold night and begged the Farmer to put us into the shed. Which he did, simply because she had a cat at HER house, named Ms. Baby, But the “big house” was ruled by someone named Toots… Apparently,
When we first came to live in the “big house”, it was new and things were strange. We’ve gotten over that, and now WE own the joint.
Some odd things have been happening lately though, and we need to let y’all know. While our Sister, keeps cooking the bacon and eating it, Wednesdays are our favorite. You see, Dad goes to his Wed. thing, and Sis watches us and Momma, and at the end of the night we get chicken.
Our Big Sissy, is such a sucker, she cooks stuff and always gives us whatever she has cooked. But on Wednesdays, the Farmer (aka Dad) brings home Lee’s Fried Chicken, and Sissy is such a sucker, she gives us at least one of her pieces of chicken. Hey, we are not complaining.
Lately though, me, (Goldie) has taken a liking to hanging with my Mom, in the chair, in the bed, just wherever she is at. My sis Spice freaked out my big sissy Jo today, simply because, we were all over Momma today, we both loved on her, and sat with her, and slept by her side.
We love our Momma, and know she has some problems, but we are here with her and it is all “purrfect”. We like “The Big house” but we love Momma even more….
Sometimes, when you have dealt with something for so long, the days just melt into each other. Some days are good, some days are bad, and some days just stand out. Sometimes, you just get up and deal with the day, as normal. But sometimes days are not normal, they are unique. I don’t know everything, trust me here. I am basically flying by the seat of my pants.
While today started out normal, it changed into a unique day for me. Not much was out of the normal scope, but I have learned to adapt. I’ve learned to look for the little things, and find something special about every day.
I am Blessed by the amount of friends that I have and the amount of support I have. When I look at my situation, I have come to the conclusion, I can either wallow in self-pity, or I can look at everything with different eyes, and learn to cherish things.
My Momma is Stage 5 Parkinson’s and it ain’t pretty in any way shape or form. I’m learning that sometimes, the best times are the worst. Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not promoting bad times, I’m simply saying that this is a debilitating disease, but I have learned strength, and grace. I have learned this through my Momma, who has shown, while this disease is robbing her of some of life’s most important things, she has shown me Grace in accepting them. She has shown me strength by trying with everything she is to over come them and still find a moment to giggle at circumstance.
God gave Momma to me, and I’m still trying to figure it out, but I would not ever turn my back on this journey. She is teaching me so much, and I am teaching her at the same time. She has learned my voice, (after 32 years, you would think we both would figure out, God gave us to each other for a reason). She gets upset at so much these days, and between Dad and I, she calms down.
When I get her up and bath her and then Dad comes in, her face lights up when he says ‘Hi”. then the conversation turns to the 3 of us. My heart is Blessed so much and there are times I could just lose it, simply for the love in the room.
This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done, but to know that I have God on my side, and also, the support of all of my family and friends makes it bearable. When God wants to bring Momma home, so be it. I can only hope her days on earth have brought her happiness and comfort.
For me? My journey still continues….there is so much I thought I knew, that I didn’t. I’m still learning. The lesson’s still continue, and I have an open mind and heart.
Sometimes, the hardest lessons hurt the most…..