I have been doing some cleaning around the Farmer’s lately, and I wanted to clean off the bulletin board, right next to the phone. It has all of the important stuff on it. A calendar, so Caregiver Beth and I can keep track of our days. It has Momma‘s med schedule on it, so we don’t miss a dose. It has Momma’s script for her monthly meds on and let’s us know when to call in for refills. It has phone numbers on it. I will admit, when I left this past February on my cruise, I wrote down EVERYONE’s phone number and Caregiver Beth added her’s to the bunch. I went through the business cards on it, and scaled them down. After all, I do not think we need the phone numbers to Momma’s Cancer Doctor anymore, since she has been Cancer free now for over 10 years.
I did some housekeeping on the bulletin board, some of the things on there had been there since 1995. My wedding announcement was still hanging up there. In my housekeeping chores, I came across something that made me wonder. It is a newspaper clipping ( I have a couple of those in my wallet, so this nut doesn’t fall far from the tree). I saw it, read it, and then kept it.
I gave the bulletin board a new cleaner look, that we all can follow. But this newspaper clipping has just hit me, and hit me hard. The reason? Simply, this is Momma and some of her philosophy.
I don’t know if I have ever mentioned, but my Momma is 1/2 Irish. Trust me, it shows, and while the Farmer and I know this, other’s do not. She can show her Irish when you least expect it. That’s why I found this newspaper cutting so fitting and it has given me some understanding and also a little insight into her.
This is how it goes:
Take time to work,
It is the price of success.
Take time to think,
It is the source of power.
Take time to play,
It is the secret of perpetual youth.
Take time to read,
It is the foundation of wisdom.
Take time to be friendly,
It is the road to happiness.
Take time to love and be loved,
It is the privilege of the Gods.
Take time to share,
Life is too short to be selfish.
Take time to laugh,
Laughter is music of the soul.
It makes sense to me why Momma needs to giggle. it makes sense to me all of those other things to. This is MY Momma. I feel a better understanding of her. Some of you may not know, this is my step-Momma. To me, she is My Momma. Her and I have so much in common including our names. We had similar things happen to us at certain times of our lives. She made me happy when she married the Farmer. She gave me her best, she thought she would never be a Momma, and trust me folks when I tell you, she has been the BEST.
When I look back at things her and I have shared, and the fact, she believed in me when I did not believe in myself. That’s a Momma. Momma has been with me through the worst of times and the best. Guess what? I will be too. But I now understand the need for giggles. They are music to the soul, guess what? We will find them and giggle them, because…that’s what daughters do.
I have come to the conclusion, that I am not faithful to my blog anymore. When I first started it about a year and a half ago, I faithfully typed every night, sometimes a couple of times a night. I don’t know if I am suffering from “blog burn out” or simply getting to a stage in my blog, that I cannot share everything with y’all anymore.
When I first started my blog, I was a very scared Daughter of a Parkinson’s momma. I did not know what to expect, and I honestly did not think it would bring to me where I am today. I have opened myself up to y’all, and told you about daily living, as a Caregiver for this disease.
But what I did not expect, was that my words would run dry. I did not expect to come to a time, when I find myself not wanting to share some moments, simply, because I know I am on the last leg of my journey, and I am trying to hold everything dear and near to me. I have noticed, I only post on the weekends, and that’s probably because I have more time on the weekends to give you an insight. But even that isn’t really even close to what I am living right now.
There are a lot of things that go on, that I can’t even bring myself to write about, and that’s me, because if I write them down, then it makes it so much more real. It does not take away their value, nor the reality, it’s just me procrastinating the enivatable.
So, at the end of today, while I may have gone and “filled” in for Caregiver Beth, because she was sick, and I went and took care of Momma, it wasn’t a burden, it was a Blessing. I know my time may be short, but then again, it may be longer too, who knows?
All’s I know at this point, everyday is a Blessing, and I am thankful for it. I have faith y’all, and I told y’all there is a lesson, I’m learning it. Ok so I may be hard-headed and might not be the best student, But I am learning.
This is probably the hardest thing I have done in my life so far, and at 51, I’m still learning….It’s ok though, because, I know I’ve got a “crew” on my side and a bunch of angels, looking out for me, and Momma……
While this post is a couple of days late, please forgive me. It’s been a crazy couple of days. The past week, I had been talking to Momma and telling her what day it was, and how many more days to go before her “Big day”.
It was too cute, when the Farmer brought in the balloon, Momma was just getting ready to get up, and Caregiver Beth was helping her. I brought in the flowers and asked where a vase was.
Since we could not locate a vase, I improvised and used an empty wine bottle. When I brought it in and showed Momma, she giggled and said she needed to talk to my parents. Uhm? I looked at her and the Farmer was already giggling, I said, “Uh, Momma you are my parent, whatcha wanna talk about?”. She replied, I was cheeky, but was giggling the whole time.
A fellow blogger of mine, just recently posted a blog about “Nostalgia”, I guess I am feeling it too. Over the past 32 years, I have had the BEST set of parents a girl could ever ask for. (Although in 51 years, I’ve had the Best Dad a girl could ever ask for).
The thing about Momma and the Farmer though? They truly love each other and even though Momma has Parkinson’s, the Farmer does his best to make her feel loved. The times they flirt like they are 18, and make ME blush, well, I guess we all are Blessed.
Happy Anniversary Momma and the Farmer…. Love you both to the moon and back….
For those of you that follow my blog, you may remember a post called “Valuable lesson”. In that post, I shared that animals must think I am a Dr. Doolittle character, because numerous animals find their way into the Rav 4. In this particular story, I told y’all about driving ever so nonchalantly to the Farmer’s house and looking down at the floor board on the passenger side, and there was happily riding along with me a mouse. I did get the mouse out of the Rav4, by pulling into the Farmer’s garage and running the vacuum cleaner all over the car. I actually never gave that poor little mouse another thought after all that was back in August of last year.
This past week, while I was taking the trash out of the house, to the garbage bin in the garage, I saw my “little friend”. I was getting ready to put the bags into the bin, when I noticed, I must have scared him/her, because it jumped out of the bin and went running to the back of the garage. While normally, I enjoy seeing “old friends”, I’m afraid I didn’t treat this one with my normal manners. I dropped the trash and went running at top speed into the house screaming the whole way. I decided, I wasn’t going to take the trash out for a couple of days.
When Momma saw me, she saw that I was a bit rattled, and I tried to explain to her about the mouse. Momma’s reaction was, “How can you be scared of Jerry? That nasty Tom is always trying to eat him”. Ok, I think the Farmer and Momma watch way to much, of old “Tom & Jerry cartoons”. I did tell the Farmer, about it, and all’s he could do was laugh.
The next evening, I got a call from the Farmer, who I could tell was highly amused about something. He was calling to ask me, on my way over to his house the following morning, would I please stop and get some “mouse killer”, apparently, Caregiver Beth had a run in with the mouse and she is even more scared of them then I am. I promised to make the stop the next morning.
However when I logged onto Facebook, I saw this message:
now that im done be scared out of my mind, im at work and I have a great job til i went to take out the garbage today, anyone who knows me, know im scared to death of mice so i hit the garage door opener walked out there and as i go in the garage a mouse falls right by my feet screamed and was trying to get out of the garage as the mouse is trying to get up the wall i swear i almost peed my pant and had a heart attack i was ready to jump on my bosses new car but i figured he would kill me so i ran as fast as i could in the house anyways so now everyone know MICE SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF ME SORRY JOANNE U GOT THE GARBAGE TIL UR FRIEND IS GONE !!!!! My night at work.
Just an update to the story, My little friend is gone. Phew…….
Today, I arrived at the Farmer’s and he is sick. I am not going to bust him out, that he has a cold, and that installing a new mailbox yesterday, probably did not help the situation any. Ok…let me back track here for a minute.
I arrived at the Farmer’s yesterday, and was truly amazed at how good of care, Caregiver Beth and her husband, had taken care of the Farmer and Momma. I drove into a freshly dug out driveway, and entered the house, and it smelt clean. (This is because she stepped up and came over and took care of them, while my happy butt was in a ditch). Thank you Caregiver Beth!!!!
The Farmer was on a track yesterday, to reinstall his mailbox, which somehow, got plowed over by the snow plows from our snow storm. Yes, folks, his mailbox and the neighbors mailbox was in the ditch. For some unknown reason the Farmer HAS to get his mail everyday, and sometimes it’s like Christmas to him. With that being said, when I pulled into the driveway, he was in the garage, working on the board that houses the 2 mailboxes. Now, yesterday was kind of cold, but the Farmer had decided he would put up a new mailbox no matter what.
After cooking him breakfast, the Farmer took off in my car and went to get a new mailbox and do a couple of errands. (Thanks Dad for putting gas in my car). When he arrived back at the house, he asked for my help in putting the new mailbox up. Now, I don’t know about y’all, but I LOVE power tools and the opportunity to use one was like a kid with an all day sucker. What I did not realize, was that he simply wanted to me hold stuff, and NOT use the power tools. Burst my bubble big time. Needless to say, the new mailbox was up and running. It also has a neat feature, that the Farmer purchased, when the mail is inserted into the box, and the door is shut on the mailbox, an alarm goes off in the house. Kinda cool huh? Not to mention that he also has a new driveway bell. The Farmer is getting kind of high-tech on me.
Ok, now I digress. Today, when I arrived, the Farmer was down and out. So, I took care of him and Momma. Momma had a follow-up appointment from her Surgery on Friday. Being that we still had snow on the ground, and the fact the Farmer was not feeling good. I called the Doctor’s office. Momma is doing great after her surgery, no fever, no ill effects, and to be truthful, it is a major production to get her in the car and take her to the Doctor’s who will see her for 5 minutes and tell us stuff and send us on our way, and another production to get her back into the house and back to normal, simply because it takes her outside of her comfort zone.
So, I called the Doctor’s office and advised that Momma was fine and if the Doctor was okay with it, could we forgo the appointment? Well apparently, one of the tests they did on Momma when she had her surgery came back positive, and the Doctor had ordered some meds for Momma and it was ok to not bring her in. They would call the scripts in and then we could start giving her the medicine. I gave them our pharmacy and then I got a call from the pharmacy. They had a question for me, wasn’t Momma allergic to penicillin? Uhm, yes. Another phone call back to the Doctor’s and advised one of the meds would not work. So now, after all day phone calls, Momma has 3 meds ready to be picked up and one more to be ready after 3 pm tomorrow.
I guess the phone calls are better than to have to drag Momma out of the house, but now I have a call into the Doctor to ask what the heck does Momma have that she needs 4 medications to make her better? I guess I should have paid more attention to some of the things he said after surgery, but to be honest, I was just so thankful it was all over that I may have “zoned out”.
Please, believe me when I say I am not complaining, because I’m really not, I’m more confused than anything.
So, when I go tomorrow to pick up Momma’s meds, and some cold medicine for the Farmer, I will be asking the pharmacist, what the heck…..
But on a happier note, I am almost over “my cold” and I will take care of the Farmer and Momma tomorrow, and see what else is in store for me. Because ya know what I realized tonite? I am very Blessed, just to have both of the Farmer and Momma, many kids my age, do not have their parents. Mine are both still here and I truly love caring for them.
Sometimes, I may get “too involved” and the rest of my family may feel left behind, but ya know what? I Love all of ya….and y’all know I’m here for all of you. Thank you to y’all, for letting me be, me and do what I feel the need to do.
I am a very Blessed little puppy…..plus, I’m hoping should I never need the help, y’all will take care of me….
Camsgranny is tired, ya’ll have no idea. Well some of you may. I feel like I have lived a lifetime today. I’ve been up, I’ve been down, I’ve felt good and I’ve felt bad.
I have come to the point in this journey that I have done something called, acceptance. It’s not an easy word to write nor accept. I have had long talks this past week with Caregiver Beth, and Dad. Neither of them made me feel any better. I also had a long talk with Momma today. That did not make me feel any better either.
I am not trying to “borrow” trouble so to speak, but I Know what’s coming.
This past week has been filled with trials and tribulations. Folks to put it bluntly, we are scared. Well to clarify that statement, the Farmer and Caregiver Beth are scared. You see, this past week, Momma showed Caregiver Beth and the Farmer something I deal with on a daily basis.
Momma cannot swallow. period, end of sentence. I have researched the topic in-depth GREATLY. When a Parkinson’s‘ patient gets to Stage 5, it’s all kinds of trouble and nasty things that the family has to scramble to make right. But you have to realize “YOU” cannot make it right.
The only thing to do at this point is to make her comfortable, happy, and go with the flow. I really am not trying to be depressing at this point, I am just letting y’all know it’s nasty in my world right now.
Caregiver Beth see’s it and is scared, The Farmer see’s it and does not want to acknowledge it. I understand both reactions. I guess that’s why, I am the strong one so to speak. I see it, I understand it ( to a degree), I’m not happy about it, but I also understand what we have to do at this time..
This is Momma’s time, we make her comfortable and make her smile, giggle or whatever, Momma is scared too, of the unknown. One of the things that stands out in my mind today, is something Momma told me. “Thank you, for everything, you have made me happy in more ways than you know, and I love you daughter, just like you were my own.”
I am her own, because I was the only daughter she would have in her life, and she is my Momma. While I may be torn up inside, I know, that everything I do to help her through her journey, is only to let her know she is loved, and if I can bring A GIGGLE to her face, and let her know she is loved, then it is all worth it to me.
Parkinson‘s totally sucks some green Twinkies. I say this, because MY Momma will always be the woman she was, not what Parkinson’s has turned her into, but what I remember in my mind, of all of the things we have had.
Today with Momma was a good day, she knew who I was, and responded to me, in true Momma style. It’s not going to get any better, and I know this, she’s going downhill, and I know this also.
But ya know what? It’s our journey, and we will do whatever it takes.
Something different happened to me this evening. I logged onto my blog, and I looked at my stats, and then noticed, someone had visited one of the posts I had written over a year ago. I could not remember the post.
So, I did what anyone would do, and I looked up the post and then proceeded to look and read through the next 3 months worth of posts. Sometimes I have a hard time writing a post, especially lately. But to be honest with y’all, the past hour of reading through my posts, has given me such a warm feeling inside. I even made the Electrician look at some of the pictures I had posted, and asked him if he remembered.
Those were some truly good times. I still have them, a little bit fewer in between. But I do know this. Those times were awesome, and while I may not have the truly “awesome” times with Momma anymore, I do have some really memorable moments.
I guess this is, a part of getting older. I don’t really like getting older, and I truly see myself as the Farmer’s “little girl”. While I know I am a Wife, and a Mother, I will always be Daddy’s little girl.
Although after a conversation today with the Farmer, I might re-think that. You see, I try to take care of the Farmer and Momma. We have Caregiver Beth that comes in on a daily basis and she takes ‘care” of Momma. Me? I take care of both of them. I actually did something today (for goodness sake DO NOT TELL the Electrician), I actually IRONED with STARCH the Farmer’s shirts. The Farmer now has 8 shirts in his closet that have been washed, dried and STARCHED. (Hey I was in the Air Force, I know how to iron and make the appropriate creases….). I don’t like to iron, in any way shape or form, but for my Daddy, I will do it.
I know I am getting myself into trouble here, but it’s okay. After reading some of my former posts, I see the progression of the disease of Momma. I am not happy about it, but I am okay with it. We’ve had oh so many good times. A Bunch of ones before we even knew Momma had Parkinson’s. I have memories of the Farmer and Momma come to visit me and my family, swimming in Hotel pools, going out for dinner, and then when I moved back to Illinois. Momma and I making decisions about dinner and cooking together. Momma letting me and the boys moving into her home. Momma and I going to aerobics class together, eating Steak and Shake Cheeseburgers after class.
Momma practicing her driving to get her first drivers license ever. Me, being scared to death and pushing on the brake on the passenger side of the floor, but still having faith in her. Going shopping and finding something silly and buying it. Meeting Momma and the Farmer for lunch when I could.
I have so many memories that are flooding through me. I will share last night with y’all though, because the joke was truly on me. You see, I cleaned out momma’s closet lately, simply because we needed more room to put momma’s “supplies” in. I put a bunch of her clothes downstairs into the “unknown” room. While putting clothes down in the closet in the room downstairs, I came across a jacket, that looked familiar. I let it go for a couple of days, and last night I brought it up to the Farmer.
“Uhm, Dad, it’s winter and there are probably people who need coats, could we donate some of Momma’s to the cause?” I don’t blame the Farmer for what he told me because I understand. He replied with “When she dies, we will let them go”. I stated, there is one down there, that I want”. He told me to take it. I went downstairs and brought it up and then truly looked at it.
Yep, it was mine, from about 19 years ago, it still had the ski lift ticket on it, and a lighter zipped up in the pocket. After looking at it and then examining it, I told the Farmer, “Uhm, Dad this is MY jacket….what else are you hoarding that is mine????” The Farmer giggled and stated “Nothing”…yea right!!!!!
I got my jacket back from 19 years ago, however, when I showed the Electrician my jacket I proudly brought home, HE giggled. Apparently, I am not the same size I was 19 years ago because the coat no longer fits. SIGH….
The fact of the matter is, we all grow, (some of us expand….sigh again), but life progresses, but I still have my memories of better times of Momma the Farmer and me…..
Well….here it is another late night, where sleep escapes me. The Electrician is fast asleep and snoring (but I did not say that ok?) We are having some weird weather here where I live. Ms. Baby has just come out of whatever room she was sleeping in and followed me down the stairs.
Ms. Baby is a baby when it comes to thunder storms and rain. Usually she hides underneath the bed, but tonite, she is keeping vigil by my side laying on the floor at my feet. Although at that last clap of thunder, I think she wanted to jump on my lap, but then gave me a “look”, like “pfft….I’m not scared, hey Mom can I sit in your lap?”. So, I am now typing with a 14 lb kitty in my lap.
I have started taking these late nights, and turning them into a reflection of my day. I go over my day in my mind, and just be happy at some things, sad at others, and accepting of the events of the day. I know I am Blessed by so many things in my life. I know this, but sometimes, it does not make the journey any easier.
I got a call this morning, and some people truly do not understand, that when I get a call from the Farmer’s house at odd times, my stomach truly does travel up into my mouth. With a very tentative “hello”, the first thing I heard was “Jo? It’s okay nothing is wrong”. My breath left my body in a very audible “whoosh”. After the conversation, I finished what I had going and travelled over to the Farmer’s earlier than what I had expected.
The Farmer went to do his errands, and I took care of Momma, while yesterday, she was okay, today, she was not. While it was still relatively early, I got a call from Caregiver Beth, we talked for a few and got some things ironed out. She see’s some of the things I have been talking about, and she is worried.
While I would like to say, in my reflection of the day, was great, I can’t. Sometimes, I really wish I “knew” what the “plan” was. I’m not sad, I’m not over joyed, I’m numb. That’s not a good place for me.
I think I would have been okay with today, if Momma had not asked me when I left “Are they going to take my Family away from me?” When I asked her who was trying to take her family away, I got “the lady that stares at the ceiling”.
While I know in my mind, I should not take some of these things to “heart”, sometimes it’s a hard thing to do. I have no formal training, and sometimes, while I like to THINK, I have the answers, I don’t. So, I do, what has become the normal for me, and I wing it. I seem to be getting really good at that.
By the time I left, Momma was smiling and giggling, and giving me a kiss goodbye.The Farmer was sitting in his chair, reading manuals, and being totally pleased with his stuff.
The Electrician and I had a “normal” evening for us. Things are ok, but I still feel unsettled, I can’t describe it, but it is a feeling that I have. (That and a 14 lb kitty in my lap, that I am afraid to move to wake her up, because now SHE is snoring).
I know that tomorrow evening I will have some giggles, because it will be Wednesday and Cam-man will come into my house with a swag, and shouting PAPA at the top of his little lungs, although he will throw some hugs and kisses my way too.
Although from the sound of this post, I’m not okay, I really truly am, just a little unsettled. Can’t put my finger on it, but I have faith, and I know it will be okay.
See this little dude? He gave us the scare of our lives last night. I can write about it tonite, because he is okay. The Electrician and I were relaxing and in our p.j.s when we got a hysterical phone call from the Nursing Student, she was pretty hysterical at the time, and it was a little hard to decipher . When the Electrician hung up the phone and moved into action, I was right behind him. We threw on boots, and hoodies, and down the road we went.
Apparently our little Cam-man thinks he truly is a Monkey and can climb onto anything. He had climbed onto his dresser to get to his t.v. that was on top of it, and all came crashing down on him. The Electrician and I went flying down the road, and scooped up the Nursing Student and Cam Man. He clung to both his Momma and I, and was rattled. When I asked him if he was ok, he said yes, when I asked him if it scared him he said yes.
The Electrician drove all of us in a car familiar to us. (It’s my old car I gave to the nursing student). The weather last night? It sucked major twinkies…Snow, ice and just otherwise nasty conditions. We pulled up to the ER and the Nursing student and Cam Man got out of the car, and the Electrician and I went to park it, when we ran into the Fisher dude. He had left work to come see what had happened to his son.
I have never felt as helpless as I did last night. Well actually I have, but I am learning something. It’s one of those “lessons”, I keep talking about. The Electrician and I hung around until it was time to take Cam-Man back for some tests. The Electrician still had to go to work today, and well it was kinda late. We said our good-byes, and headed down the road.
This is where it gets funny…so I may have a warped sense of humor, but, the Electrician and I are at the stop light and he asked me, “What are all these lights on the dashboard mean?” I lean over and look, and it hits me…”Uhm, honey, she needs some anti-freeze, but that one light? You had better hit a gas station soon, because we have about 1 mile to go and we are gonna be in trouble. ” So, we pull into the gas station pronto, and then it hits both of us, we flew out of the house, I had nothing on me, the Electrician’s wallet was in the Truck, but it ended up being in his hoodie pocket. It had exactly $7.00 in it, and that’s what we put into the Nursing Student’s car for gas. We got to her house and parked her car, and grabbed out truck and flew home.
The Electrician went to bed, but did not sleep very well, me? I stayed up just praying and hoping everything was okay. We all got very lucky with lil dude, he was ok. WHEW… this lil dude is all boy and will give us a few more heart shakers I believe this.
Today, I was supposed to stay home all day, but Caregiver Beth has had a hard time lately. Her Dad has had a couple of strokes and things are not looking good. While I went over and got Momma up, I was a little frustrated. I have a bunch of things that I felt I needed to get done.
But to tell you the truth, when I got home tonite, and the Electrician has been with me on this journey….We had already had plans for tonite…we did our thing….We shut off all the lights and watched The Polar Express, and cuddled on the couch. We both cried at certain parts of the movie….
I’m at peace with everything. I can’t explain it.. I don’t want to even try. I know in my heart I Believe…Period….
The screen was ready and I had already planned about what I would write, I’ve been absent from my blog for a few days. I gave no warning, and really did not mean to forget you, but sometimes, life gets in the way of the best laid plans.
Tonite’s post was supposed to be about, how I’ve been oh so busy the past few days, and while that is true, I’ve had other issues.
I’ve been for the past few days, doing ‘double time” at the Farmer’s. Caregiver Beth was sick. So for a few days, not only did I go over and spend most of the day at the Farmer’s house, I went back in the evenings and put Momma to bed.
Now for me, it’s a given, Momma is one of my priorities. While I have missed being home, I’ve also missed putting Momma to bed at night. She sort of rallies at night and becomes a bit more livelier at night, than she is during the day.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve kept the home fires going at the same time. The Electrician has come home to his meals prepared and ready to be heated up, AND I’ve done all those domestic diva things that I normally do.
Momma is holding her own, she gets a little whacky sometimes, but that is to be expected. Yesterday, she did so well, that I gave her a couple of sips of coffee in the morning, and when I went back that evening…well… ok, I may or may not have snuck her a couple of spoonfuls of gravy, Which she swallowed. I also may or may not have snuck her a couple of spoonfuls of orange sherbet Which she swallowed.
When I arrived today, it was kind of funny. Things have been crazy today. I arrived at the Farmer’s and got his list for the store and went shopping. GASP, YES, I went shopping AND might I say pretty darn proud of myself for staying UNDER budget,
I arrived back at the Farmer’s with ALL of my purchases, and the Farmer was pretty happy with all I had gotten. I wrapped some gifts that went under the tree, and then went to get Momma up. Momma was a little ray of sunshine on an otherwise gloomy day. For real folks, it’s snowing, blowing and just down right nasty here today.
Momma picks out the colors she wants to wear each day. Today it was a Ms. Kitty Sweatshirt and some sweat pants. Momma did good today, While I recognize that I am very territorial, and I might hover over her a bit. I’m kinda sad that I do not get to put her to bed tonite.
I’ve made some serious memories of Momma lately, and that’s a good thing. Because I know those memories will keep me going for a good long while. But ya know what? I’m going to keep on making those memories….as long as Momma lets me.
I truly believe we are each given something by each person that comes into our lives. It’s our journey to find out what it is. I think I know what Momma is teaching me in a subtle way, it’s taken me a while to understand it. But I think I am learning the lesson here. I’m just not ready to share it.