Ok, truly from my heart, with all I deal with, I took some time today to evaluate. Lately it seems my life is running away and I’m trying to grab each moment I can, and cherish it. Sometimes, life doesn’t stop going, while you wish it would. There are so many moments I am trying to grab onto, I feel dizzy.
My life lately has been turned upside down and I am trying to grab the end of the rope and hang on. It’s a good thing, but something I am not used to. Between having a crazy schedule, and being Thankful for other things, I’ve spent more time with Momma and the Farmer than I usually do.
This tells me, be Thankful, for being able to spend more time, and also, cherishing the time. Because in all honesty, there never seems to be enough of it.
Sometimes, we get caught up in all the things we NEED to do, and the things WE do, that it all gets muddled up into a muddy mess, and we get stressed out trying to figure out the “timeline”. But I learned a lesson today, and forgive me but I am heardheaded.
Sometimes, when you think you can not accomplish ANYTHING, you have accomplished EVERYTHING. I had to be in 2 different places today at the same time, was I there? Well I may have been a couple of minutes late, but I was there. Sometimes, I just need to let go of my anxieties, and all my misgivings and just let be, what will be. I need to understand, FIRST, I am not in control, and then I feel better.
I have prayed so hard this week (okay Every day for that matter). Just when I think it will get better, I am given some awful news or given another set back. It’s ok, though, because I figure the lesson’s, I’m supposed to be learning, I am. (Thank you God),
This road I’m travelling though, I think I need a pitstop….are those allowed?
Can I tell ya’ll a secret? Can I tell you how much I am thankful for my life, and how I feel lucky? While I may be dealing with some “stuff”, and be moaning about how bad I have it, I really don’t. I still wake up every morning with a roof over my head, and food to fill my belly, and things that help me to do the “stuff” I do every day.
Today, was my “long” day with Momma. Due to increased gas prices, I decided that when I had to get her up and put her back to bed, I would just stay at the Farmer’s all day, and do what I have to do. Believe me, when I say, there is a bunch I do in that time, and ya know what? On my drive home today, I looked at something the Nurse bought me for Christmas, and I think I have truly gotten the message….
This hangs from my rearview mirror, and it has My birthstone, and the Farmer’s and Momma’s. It is engraved with Proverbs 31;25. “she is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at her future to come.”.
When I first got it, I fell in love with it, although I did not understand it totally. Yea , everyone says how strong I am for doing what I do, but I didn’t understand it. You see, I thought everyone would do it for the people they love. Take care of them, and try to make the days better in the “ending” years.
But today, I learned something. I am strong in certain areas, because Momma has made me be that way. Maybe this is one of the lessons. Dont’ get me wrong, because God is helping me more than you all know.
Today was not a great day with Momma, it was with Cam-man, and he even gave his love to Momma in his own way. She sure perked up, when he was on the end of her bed giving her encouragement when she had her bath, and they had a “conversation about stuff”. I was going to say sorry, but I won’t, it was to cute for words.
Sometimes at the end of the day, I give Thanks, (well I always do that), but lately, I’ve been on the “dark side” of things and truly have questions about, why does Parkinson’s rob a person of so much and make them suffer so.
But then I stop and think to myself, “Camsgranny, has this experience tought you anything?”. And the answer to that, is oh my goodness. It has opened my eyes too much more than I ever thought possible. I have so much understanding of other people’s suffering, and I have more empathy than I ever thought possible, and also, It has brought an awareness to me, that if you had asked me 15 years ago, I would have felt all this, my answer would have been NO.
Parkinson’s Disease, has forever changed my life. I will no longer look at things the same. I can not explain it, I would not even try, but for me, this has given me a Life lesson, that maybe I should have learned earlier, but in the end, I like to think it has truly made me a better person, and given me more strength, than any person should have to find. I am still reaching deep to find it.
There as been spiritual growth, there has been heart breaking events, but I think it is all leading up to something, and I will deal with that too. It’s ok, especially, after putting Momma to bed tonite, she grabbed my hand, and simply stated, “I Love You Jo”.
That means the world to me, and then some.
Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in our own stuff, that we forget about other people’s stuff.
I am Blessed, simply because I can take care of Momma on a daily basis. Do I sacrifice other parts of my life for this? Yes. At a cost to me? yes. At a cost to others? yes. Would I change it? No.
I know the saying goes, cherish what you have, because it may not be here tomorrow. I understand it, on so many levels.
Parkinson’s Disease, does not just affect the person who has it, but the entire family as well. To the husband, who diligently helps his wife, to the daughter, who tries to do what she can, to the Husband of the wife, who misses her, but semi understands what she is doing. To the heartbreak, and smiles, and to just being a part of it.
I didn’t sign up for this, but here it is. I didn’t ask for this, but here it is. I will deal with this, because here, it is.
While I try to do the best that I can, with what I know, I am like a sinking ship in the water. If I go this way, I’m gonna sink, if I go that way, I’m gonna sink. Wait, is there no floats available. Uhm….nope.
This evening, I am torn in about 300 different ways. I am trying so hard not to sink, and swim my way to shore, but guess what? While I think I am making progress, I’m not.
It’s ok, though, because, for me? There are lesson’s in this journey I am on. I’m still trying to find them, and I will, trust me. Just when I think I have it all figured out, I get thrown a curve ball. I’m on the catcher’s mound, and I will figure it out, it might take me a while, but I will. But seriously, while my family rebels, and my mind takes a nap, I’m still doing good.
God has picked me to go through this journey, and there is a reason for it, I am still trying to figure it out…..I haven’t yet, and am questioning a bunch of things through it.
To my Family….Please don’t give up on me, I’m here, but I am kind of like Momma at the moment and trying to find my way….
Yes, I may be consumed by this thing,. but instead of asking questions and being mad at it, why don’t you join me on this journey, and find out for yourself what it is all about? It is a Road less traveled, and one, not many people have the strength to go through,
I am Blessed that I have the strength to do it, and will go through it, because she is My MOMMA…..
This morning started out with a bunch of promise. While it is not the “usual Monday morning routine”, it started out with promise. I didn’t have Cam-man this morning, so I woke up at normal time, and did some stuff around the house, to help myself for when I got home. I am trying to stop neglecting the things I normally do and try to cover all of my bases.
After doing all the stuff, I do not normally do on a Monday morning, I headed out, to the Farmers. I felt a bit lonely, because I don’t have Cam-Man with me. Have I mentioned that I personally don’t like change, but that I can adapt?
I arrived at the Farmers and got put out immediately. Pfft, I am a back door daughter, and when I went to the back door, I could not open it. The screen door was locked and I don’t have a key to the back door. Well… to be truthful, I do, but I can’t tell which friggin key it is.
So, I went back around and entered into through the front door. The Farmer was happy to see me., but not happy, to have me tell him off ,for the back door not being open. immediately we both checked into the situation of ordering Momma‘s stuff through a certain facility and me, uhm yup, me, not putting in the right address to have it delivered.
It was last week when we ordered it, and I may or may not been in my right mind when I typed the address into the computer, but it was something we had to deal with. After calling and being put on hold for a ungoodness amount of minutes, we finally got through to a human and not a computer. After telling them the situation, and them assessing the situation, we were told it would be all good.
We had no sooner hung up the phone when the drive way bell went off. Guess what? One of our favorite trucks, (we have 2 that we use), anyway,hat’s off to these guys simply because, they know us. One of our favorite drivers backed into the driveway with Momma’s stuff and told us, he had looked at the name and said, “pfft, I know these people, I can deliver it” So THANK YOU to the Fed Ex driver that delivers Momma’s supplies. (some of them). He covered us, and just when we needed it most. (That’s a song isn’t it?) I seriously do not know where my head has been at lately.
After squaring everything away and putting stuff up, and talking to the Farmer, it was time to get Momma up. (To the Farmer, I am sorry for what I am about to say, but it HAS to be said).
Momma talked with me for the first 5 minutes, and then I am not sure where she went but she wasn’t with me. I gave Momma her bath and cleaned her up “she had an accident”, she was upset about it, but I told her it was okay, she was giggling by then end of it, but when it was time to get her up, she wasn’t there.
It took everything the Farmer and I had to get her to stand so I could “clean her up”. I went and got the wheel chair and we took her into the other room with the wheelchair. When it was time to put her into her chair, that was a friggin fiasco.
I gave Momma her Christmas goose and then some by trying to lift her up and trying to carry her into her chair. She had so many back spasms, and neck spasms, I don’t know what to tell you. It was HARD.
Momma has gotten so weak over the weekend, I don’t know where to start, I can’t even begin to tell you. When Momma was in her chair, and YES the Farmer and I got her there, I put a cold cloth on her neck, took her temp, and gave her a mouth swab.
Fast forward, and she was telling me how much she loved me and the Farmer, and she was sorry. I have a hard time with that. Sorry folks, Why the HECK should she be sorry? Her body is failing. I know this, so does the Farmer. I’m here to make it easier. Although with the Christmas Goose she got…hell I’d be happy…..just kiddin….
Fast forward, I left the Farmer’s house crying today, simply because I have never seen momma that frail. Somehow, it ended up with Cam-Man at my house for the evening,. I’m not quite sure how it happened, and I am not questioning why, I just went with it.
Cam Man and I and the electrician had a most wonderful evening, and I can’t even begin to describe it into words…
There is so much happening that I am trying to wrap my head around, and I just am having a hard time with….I’m not questioning anything, I am just going with the flow at this point…..
This would be all of the other women in my family, they were named the “crazy” bunch, but they sure did like to laugh…..
This would be me in my former life, with my boys and husband at the time…..Momma and the Farmer used to come and visit me twice a year, because they still lived in England, and they tried to see me as much as they could. I always cherished these visits, because it was so nice to have “normal” in a chaotic situation.
Momma and the Farmer used to like making puzzles and put stuff together, and one of the loves of their lives was “Toots“. The beloved cat, that met them while Momma and the Farmer stayed at the Glo Motel waiting for the house. Toot’s is a different blog post all together.
This is the Farmer, Momma and I the day I got married to my beloved Electrician. Momma was so into the wedding and getting the house ready, I got married in the living room with all of our children around us, and Momma and the Farmer too.
This is the Farmer and Momma not to long ago, okay…maybe 2 years. Momma was still herself, sort of.
I have a million pictures, and I could share them with all of you, but this is where I will end my memory lane for Momma’s birthday. I will say this, Parkinson’s is a horrible disease, it leaves you not knowing what is going to happen around the corner, cherishing every day you have, and Thanking God, that the person has been in my life and knowing HER.
I love my Momma, and I truly wish her a Happy Birthday, to cherishing the memory of her savoring the orange sherbet, I gave her on a spoon, to celebrate her birthday with. While I wish we could have had a party and truly celebrated in the style we are so used to, I will settle with Orange sherbet and her smile, which lights up my heart.
Today, I arrived at the Farmer’s and he is sick. I am not going to bust him out, that he has a cold, and that installing a new mailbox yesterday, probably did not help the situation any. Ok…let me back track here for a minute.
I arrived at the Farmer’s yesterday, and was truly amazed at how good of care, Caregiver Beth and her husband, had taken care of the Farmer and Momma. I drove into a freshly dug out driveway, and entered the house, and it smelt clean. (This is because she stepped up and came over and took care of them, while my happy butt was in a ditch). Thank you Caregiver Beth!!!!
The Farmer was on a track yesterday, to reinstall his mailbox, which somehow, got plowed over by the snow plows from our snow storm. Yes, folks, his mailbox and the neighbors mailbox was in the ditch. For some unknown reason the Farmer HAS to get his mail everyday, and sometimes it’s like Christmas to him. With that being said, when I pulled into the driveway, he was in the garage, working on the board that houses the 2 mailboxes. Now, yesterday was kind of cold, but the Farmer had decided he would put up a new mailbox no matter what.
After cooking him breakfast, the Farmer took off in my car and went to get a new mailbox and do a couple of errands. (Thanks Dad for putting gas in my car). When he arrived back at the house, he asked for my help in putting the new mailbox up. Now, I don’t know about y’all, but I LOVE power tools and the opportunity to use one was like a kid with an all day sucker. What I did not realize, was that he simply wanted to me hold stuff, and NOT use the power tools. Burst my bubble big time. Needless to say, the new mailbox was up and running. It also has a neat feature, that the Farmer purchased, when the mail is inserted into the box, and the door is shut on the mailbox, an alarm goes off in the house. Kinda cool huh? Not to mention that he also has a new driveway bell. The Farmer is getting kind of high-tech on me.
Ok, now I digress. Today, when I arrived, the Farmer was down and out. So, I took care of him and Momma. Momma had a follow-up appointment from her Surgery on Friday. Being that we still had snow on the ground, and the fact the Farmer was not feeling good. I called the Doctor’s office. Momma is doing great after her surgery, no fever, no ill effects, and to be truthful, it is a major production to get her in the car and take her to the Doctor’s who will see her for 5 minutes and tell us stuff and send us on our way, and another production to get her back into the house and back to normal, simply because it takes her outside of her comfort zone.
So, I called the Doctor’s office and advised that Momma was fine and if the Doctor was okay with it, could we forgo the appointment? Well apparently, one of the tests they did on Momma when she had her surgery came back positive, and the Doctor had ordered some meds for Momma and it was ok to not bring her in. They would call the scripts in and then we could start giving her the medicine. I gave them our pharmacy and then I got a call from the pharmacy. They had a question for me, wasn’t Momma allergic to penicillin? Uhm, yes. Another phone call back to the Doctor’s and advised one of the meds would not work. So now, after all day phone calls, Momma has 3 meds ready to be picked up and one more to be ready after 3 pm tomorrow.
I guess the phone calls are better than to have to drag Momma out of the house, but now I have a call into the Doctor to ask what the heck does Momma have that she needs 4 medications to make her better? I guess I should have paid more attention to some of the things he said after surgery, but to be honest, I was just so thankful it was all over that I may have “zoned out”.
Please, believe me when I say I am not complaining, because I’m really not, I’m more confused than anything.
So, when I go tomorrow to pick up Momma’s meds, and some cold medicine for the Farmer, I will be asking the pharmacist, what the heck…..
But on a happier note, I am almost over “my cold” and I will take care of the Farmer and Momma tomorrow, and see what else is in store for me. Because ya know what I realized tonite? I am very Blessed, just to have both of the Farmer and Momma, many kids my age, do not have their parents. Mine are both still here and I truly love caring for them.
Sometimes, I may get “too involved” and the rest of my family may feel left behind, but ya know what? I Love all of ya….and y’all know I’m here for all of you. Thank you to y’all, for letting me be, me and do what I feel the need to do.
I am a very Blessed little puppy…..plus, I’m hoping should I never need the help, y’all will take care of me….
See this little dude?
This was way back when, he was first starting to walk, dance and giggle…..
He took naps and didn’t really say very much.
He kept Momma on her toes, and they spent a bunch of time together. That was back in the day, where Momma was still able to walk, and do some things for herself, she could eat meals, it might have taken her a bit, but she at least got to eat real food. They both loved ice cream.
It has been a bunch of years, since I have dealt with a toddler, considering “my baby” is 29. Somewhere along the line I forgot, the endless questions….. The biggest one being right now, What is this?, What is this? What is that? The energy is something else that I am amazed at.
This morning, because the Nurse had a test, she brought this little ray of sunshine to my house at 7 a.m. I need to just state for the record, I was awake (barely). The Electrician had left the house about 30 minutes prior to this and he sent Ms. Baby in to wake me up. Basically, I was woken up by a cat kicking me. What the heck? It was still dark outside for crying out loud.
I managed to surface and was going for a cup of coffee when this bundle arrived. He was just as unhappy at being snatched out of his bed, as I was. We both stumbled into the kitchen, me for coffee, him for a mug of chocolate milk. I sat on the couch and turned on the t.v., Cam-man crawled into the rocker, blanket and mug in hand, then perked up when the t.v. came on.
Now Cam and I have a couple of favorite t.v. shows that we have watched all throughout his tender 2 1/2 years of growing up. Curious George is a serious favorite of both of us. After finishing our respective drinks, it was time for breakfast. Cam picked out his Oatmeal for the day, and I made it and he scarfed it down. We both got dressed and then the phone rang. Now, honestly in my house if the phone rings before 8 am, I get nervous. I get REALLY nervous, when the call is from the Farmer. The Farmer was calling me to make sure I arrived at his house by 9;30, he thought he would be catching me sleeping, but guess what? Nope I was more than half way ready to go to his house!
Cam and I did some things around my house, and then headed on down the road. The drive to the Farmer’s almost did Cam in and his eyes were droopy. We arrived, and Cam perked up, and then swagged into the Farmer’s to show the Farmer his new hat that he got over the weekend.
The Farmer left to do his errands, and Cam and I did some stuff around there. We decided to go outside for a bit, even though it was not really a nice day, it was still a bit warmer than it has been. We played a game, and Cam-man raced down the wheelchair ramp and I climbed down the stairs, we both ran to the Rav 4 touched it and then ran back. We played races for about 20 minutes.
It was time to go in and get Momma up, and Cam helped me bring all of her bath stuff into her room, and then sat on the bed while Momma got her bath. Momma and Cam kept up a chatter the whole time. When it was time for Mom to get up, Cam went running into the living room to get the Farmer, he grabbed his hand and dragged him into the room.
Momma made it out into the living room and Cam, being the kid he is, had run in front of us and had his stool in front of momma’s chair and was sitting there waiting for her. Unfortunatly, we had to kick him out of the chair, and Momma got seated and situated.
Cam picked up all of his toys that were thrown everywhere, and we got ready to leave. We gave kisses and then I loaded Cam up and away we went. We had not even gone about a mile down the road and I looked in the back seat, and little dude was fast asleep, with his blanket and thumb in place. I drove back to our town and called the Nurse, when I was right around the corner from her house, and told her to meet me in the garage. Cam was unloaded and I don’t think he ever woke up.
I arrived home and finished everything I had left to do. I was just sitting here, reflecting on my day, and I was thinking to myself. First, I was wondering what I got myself into, then I realised, that this is all a Blessing. Cam, helps so much with Momma in a way I cannot describe. She is enjoying it, and the Farmer is enjoying his company. I can handle all of the questions, What is this? What is that? I can proudly say that Cam, can now count to 10, can recite half of his abc’s, and he is not even 3 yet.
One of his major things, is he kept calling me Teacher this morning, until I asked him, Cam…who am I? He looked at me, and then he said Meemaw. So, I guess, not only am I Meemaw, I guess I am a Teacher too. I’m cool with that……..
Ok, y’all, I’ve been pretty silent on some of the things I got for Christmas. That was for a reason. I had to wait for some of them to be unwrapped. Well…today, some of the gifts were unwrapped so to speak. I am leaving on an adventure. For those of you that have followed me for a while…. Yup… I got the same (but a little different) gift from my “Outlaws” as I did last year. It will be spent with my “Outlaws” and my cherished hubby and I. Unfortunately this year, my Husband’s Sissy cannot go and while I will miss her, I’m sorry. But I am going to have a good time. So, if you don’t hear from me for a bit, know that all is well, and I promise to tell y’all about it when I return.
Camsgranny is tired, ya’ll have no idea. Well some of you may. I feel like I have lived a lifetime today. I’ve been up, I’ve been down, I’ve felt good and I’ve felt bad.
I have come to the point in this journey that I have done something called, acceptance. It’s not an easy word to write nor accept. I have had long talks this past week with Caregiver Beth, and Dad. Neither of them made me feel any better. I also had a long talk with Momma today. That did not make me feel any better either.
I am not trying to “borrow” trouble so to speak, but I Know what’s coming.
This past week has been filled with trials and tribulations. Folks to put it bluntly, we are scared. Well to clarify that statement, the Farmer and Caregiver Beth are scared. You see, this past week, Momma showed Caregiver Beth and the Farmer something I deal with on a daily basis.
Momma cannot swallow. period, end of sentence. I have researched the topic in-depth GREATLY. When a Parkinson’s‘ patient gets to Stage 5, it’s all kinds of trouble and nasty things that the family has to scramble to make right. But you have to realize “YOU” cannot make it right.
The only thing to do at this point is to make her comfortable, happy, and go with the flow. I really am not trying to be depressing at this point, I am just letting y’all know it’s nasty in my world right now.
Caregiver Beth see’s it and is scared, The Farmer see’s it and does not want to acknowledge it. I understand both reactions. I guess that’s why, I am the strong one so to speak. I see it, I understand it ( to a degree), I’m not happy about it, but I also understand what we have to do at this time..
This is Momma’s time, we make her comfortable and make her smile, giggle or whatever, Momma is scared too, of the unknown. One of the things that stands out in my mind today, is something Momma told me. “Thank you, for everything, you have made me happy in more ways than you know, and I love you daughter, just like you were my own.”
I am her own, because I was the only daughter she would have in her life, and she is my Momma. While I may be torn up inside, I know, that everything I do to help her through her journey, is only to let her know she is loved, and if I can bring A GIGGLE to her face, and let her know she is loved, then it is all worth it to me.
Parkinson‘s totally sucks some green Twinkies. I say this, because MY Momma will always be the woman she was, not what Parkinson’s has turned her into, but what I remember in my mind, of all of the things we have had.
Today with Momma was a good day, she knew who I was, and responded to me, in true Momma style. It’s not going to get any better, and I know this, she’s going downhill, and I know this also.
But ya know what? It’s our journey, and we will do whatever it takes.
Something different happened to me this evening. I logged onto my blog, and I looked at my stats, and then noticed, someone had visited one of the posts I had written over a year ago. I could not remember the post.
So, I did what anyone would do, and I looked up the post and then proceeded to look and read through the next 3 months worth of posts. Sometimes I have a hard time writing a post, especially lately. But to be honest with y’all, the past hour of reading through my posts, has given me such a warm feeling inside. I even made the Electrician look at some of the pictures I had posted, and asked him if he remembered.
Those were some truly good times. I still have them, a little bit fewer in between. But I do know this. Those times were awesome, and while I may not have the truly “awesome” times with Momma anymore, I do have some really memorable moments.
I guess this is, a part of getting older. I don’t really like getting older, and I truly see myself as the Farmer’s “little girl”. While I know I am a Wife, and a Mother, I will always be Daddy’s little girl.
Although after a conversation today with the Farmer, I might re-think that. You see, I try to take care of the Farmer and Momma. We have Caregiver Beth that comes in on a daily basis and she takes ‘care” of Momma. Me? I take care of both of them. I actually did something today (for goodness sake DO NOT TELL the Electrician), I actually IRONED with STARCH the Farmer’s shirts. The Farmer now has 8 shirts in his closet that have been washed, dried and STARCHED. (Hey I was in the Air Force, I know how to iron and make the appropriate creases….). I don’t like to iron, in any way shape or form, but for my Daddy, I will do it.
I know I am getting myself into trouble here, but it’s okay. After reading some of my former posts, I see the progression of the disease of Momma. I am not happy about it, but I am okay with it. We’ve had oh so many good times. A Bunch of ones before we even knew Momma had Parkinson’s. I have memories of the Farmer and Momma come to visit me and my family, swimming in Hotel pools, going out for dinner, and then when I moved back to Illinois. Momma and I making decisions about dinner and cooking together. Momma letting me and the boys moving into her home. Momma and I going to aerobics class together, eating Steak and Shake Cheeseburgers after class.
Momma practicing her driving to get her first drivers license ever. Me, being scared to death and pushing on the brake on the passenger side of the floor, but still having faith in her. Going shopping and finding something silly and buying it. Meeting Momma and the Farmer for lunch when I could.
I have so many memories that are flooding through me. I will share last night with y’all though, because the joke was truly on me. You see, I cleaned out momma’s closet lately, simply because we needed more room to put momma’s “supplies” in. I put a bunch of her clothes downstairs into the “unknown” room. While putting clothes down in the closet in the room downstairs, I came across a jacket, that looked familiar. I let it go for a couple of days, and last night I brought it up to the Farmer.
“Uhm, Dad, it’s winter and there are probably people who need coats, could we donate some of Momma’s to the cause?” I don’t blame the Farmer for what he told me because I understand. He replied with “When she dies, we will let them go”. I stated, there is one down there, that I want”. He told me to take it. I went downstairs and brought it up and then truly looked at it.
Yep, it was mine, from about 19 years ago, it still had the ski lift ticket on it, and a lighter zipped up in the pocket. After looking at it and then examining it, I told the Farmer, “Uhm, Dad this is MY jacket….what else are you hoarding that is mine????” The Farmer giggled and stated “Nothing”…yea right!!!!!
I got my jacket back from 19 years ago, however, when I showed the Electrician my jacket I proudly brought home, HE giggled. Apparently, I am not the same size I was 19 years ago because the coat no longer fits. SIGH….
The fact of the matter is, we all grow, (some of us expand….sigh again), but life progresses, but I still have my memories of better times of Momma the Farmer and me…..