Tag Archives: DiseaseParkinson

Hey Y’all……howzitgoing? Update…..

00Hey Ya’ll, howzitgoing?  I have been gone from the blogosphere for awhile now.  So many things have happened in my life, that it is truly a wonder.  Gotten divorced and then remarried to the same man, once our “hurts” and “anger” had subsided.  Gotten a job and “blossemed” so to speak.   But I am still Momma’s daughter and living with Parkinsons.

Things have changed so much in my life, when I look at previous posts and I see the niavete’ and then the hope, I know I was a known knowing person.  I feel so much older and wiser now.  I cannot explain it and this is not a post, where I will bash parkinson’s Disease, although I want to, I won’t.

Momma got the word she had Parks about 15 years ago.  All of the reading and researching could never bring me to the point I am at now.  How did we get here?  Parkinson’s is a mean disease.  It brings loss of all control of a person, and also in our case, all loss of control of the mind, because Momma suffers from PDD, aka Parkinsons Disease Dementia .  I tried my best to be her sole Caregiver for many years, until I got to the point that I lost myself, and pretty much all of my family.  I was filled with a need to “cure” something that could not be cured.  I also had tunnel vision.  I guess that is because I am that type of person, when I do something, I give it my all, and forget everyone else.  Although in this instance, I lost a bunch.

I have since regained a bunch, but I have never regained Momma.  There is no cure and no it is at the point where it is so painful just to see what this Disease has done to a fun life loving person.

My Momma is my Hero.  I have never seen first hand someone fight this hard .  If you have never seen someone with this Disease, I hope you never do.  My fine grand Momma is a very strict and proper English Lady.  To see her reduced to what she is, is definatly heartbreaking on so many levels.

I started this post back in October…..I used to blog every night, when I could share what was in my world and thoughts.  It became to hard for me to share my journey, simply bcause it was a seriously rough road.  I kept so many things to myself, and not shared with anyone.  I realized that I had to share them with someone or some “ones” or I would implode.

I married my Best friend again…..we got lost somewhere but luckily found each other again.  I opened myself up and told what I was feeling deep inside me.  This journey has tought me a bunch.  I am not super woman, and I cannot do it all.  Parkinson’s is a horrible disease, and there is no cure.  I have learned to accept that and deal with it.

The thing I did not count on, was how much it would hurt at the end.  I have braced myself, and “prepared” myself for the end.   But there is no preparing for the hurt and loss I feel.  Do not get me wrong here folks, please.  I am happy that there is no more pain or suffereing, I am not happy about loosing my Momma.  I have plenty of “good” memories, and I know she is with me.  But I feel a hole in my heart right now.

I guess I just wanted ya’ll to know how my journey has ended.  It has, and I am dealing with it the best that I can.  For anyone with Parkinson’s my heart goes out to you, for families of Parkinson’s peeps, my heart goes out.  This is truly a horrible disease and my hope is if not a cure then something to help, because I am truly a Parkinson’s patient daughter who has lived it, dealt with it, and truly hates it.

To My Momma:

Margaret Ann Burwash  4/17/44 – 11-24-14,  I love you Momma, I have fought by your side, and I have been astonished, and amazed at your courage, and your will to fight.  You did that with Grace, and honor, and courage.  You fought a good fight, and the angels came to take you home, simply to end your pain and suffering.  I will forever be your daughter, and the Farmer loves you with all his heart.  You leave behind a legacy, we will keep your memory alive and well.  You are and always will be my Momma, our hearts are forged together.  I love you and Rest in Peace my Guardian Angel.

New Adventures…..

Hey y’all,

I know I have been gone for a bit, but I have been trying new adventures, and trying to become myself again.   I never understood, how totally immersed I was in being in the Parkinson’s world.  I am learning how to be the “daughter” again instead of the “caregiver“.

My usual routine has dramatically changed, and I am becoming accustomed to just being able to do regular things.  It is a little strange to me, and I’ve had some moments.

I’ve been spending ALOT of time with a little certain someone.

DSCN4194

This little kid, rocks my world.  He is so full of life, and asks a million and one questions, that he keeps me on my toes.

I took myself on a little retreat last weekend.  I left town, armed with a swimsuit, and some clothes, and went about 2 hours away and checked into a hotel room.  I did a bunch of reflecting, sleeping and swimming in the pool.  My girlfriend and her family arrived the next day, so we had fun, walking all over the town and just goofing off.  I came back from the weekend, with a new attitude, and a feeling of being relaxed and in control of my thoughts.

I do not feel as stressed and desperate as i did.   I have done some things in the past few weeks, that I never thought I would do.  I now walk/jog every evening, and am watching my diet (well, eating and watching what I eat, while I eat it.)  I’ve gone on some adventures.

I actually went to the Circus, with little dude and his Momma.  I do have to say, the last Circus I went to was in Russia, when I was 16, and while this was nothing compared to that, I found enjoyment in the awe on little dude’s face.

My days have been busy, and I have gone to visit with the Farmer and Momma.  It is strange sometimes, to not take care of her, but we seem to have a bunch of conversations, and true joy now when we get together.  I don’t get the anxiety, nor the desperation feeling. I do not leave the house in tears, I now leave the house laughing and enjoying the time.

For me?  It is nice to go back to being the daughter of a Parkinson’s Momma, and not the Caregiver of a Parkinson’s Momma.  It took the Farmer a little bit of time to understand this.  While I may have been an excellent caregiver, the price was to high for me.

I am glad, I am slowly becoming me again.  It is taking some time, but I am on my way back!

Until next time, take time to smell the flowers and laugh and giggle as much as you can. Oh yea, smile at a stranger, it might make their day, and you will feel better too!

Confessions, and Heart break….

I am a daughter of a Parkinson’s Momma.  I am not a medically inclined person, in any way shape or form.  I have been an Insurance Claims Adjuster for about 15 years, and then followed my true love of food, and been a waitress, chef, and manager of a restaurant for about 7 years.  This was all  before I gave it all up, because My Momma had Parkinson’s.

On a wild day, when the Farmer was a little over whelmed, I made the comment I could come and help him, and take care of Momma, and give my job up, but I had one problem.  I had just bought a new car (well…new to me) and the Electrician while he makes good money, did not need to be saddled with bills I had incurred.    The Farmer and I made an agreement, and so it was born.  I would give up my job, (although to be totally truthful here, it was either be fired or quit, because I really do have an alligator mouth that over rides my rabbit ass.)

So, it came to be, I would be Momma’s Caregiver.  At first, it was a walk in the park.  Momma still had her facilities about her, and only needed help with maybe getting up and taking a bath, and maybe washing her hair.  While the Farmer is my Dad, he was not as fastidious, not my Momma, about keeping things clean, so I busied my days with cleaning house and taking care of both of them.

The Electrician was on the road at the time, so time I spent with them, and  was not giving up any time other than being by myself.  The electrician came home on the weekends and the only thing he asked of me, was please, be home at that time.  Piece of cake.

unfortunately for me, Momma had a really BAD spell, this was after the Electrician had finished his time on the road and was home.  You see, I didn’t just take care of Momma, I took care of Cam-Man.  I can remember this clearly in my head like it was yesterday.  I picked up Cam-man, and his Momma had told me he didn’t feel good.  The next thing I knew, I was down and out, so was the Farmer and Momma too.    I recovered sorta, and went over to the Farmer’s.  I puked at Momma’s state, and knew, we had to call an ambulance.

Momma spent 7 days in the ICU unit, and was released up to the fourth floor.  Next thing I knew, I got a call and Momma had stopped breathing and I rushed to the Hospital, full of prayer, and crying the whole time.    Momma survived that experience.  I don’t think I have ever been so scared in my whole life.

Momma was accepted into a Nursing Home (Thanks to the Nurse, who worked there and spoke to the DON).  Momma started therapy, so she could return home to us.  She went through  4 months of therapy, and was finally released.  She came home.  The whole house was re-arranged to accommodate her new “life”.

With momma’s ‘new life” there were so many changes we had to make.  We hired “Caregiver’s” simply because the Farmer and I could not handle it on our own.

THAT was almost 2 years ago.  I have been Momma’s full time Caregiver, and also taken care of the Farmer too.  It is with deep sorrow, that I can no longer do that.

To anyone reading this, for the first time.  I ask you, Could you do that?  I have been torn two sides of Sunday and then some in between.

I am me. I puke at the sign of snot, anyone who blows their nose in front of me, I will probably puke.  Anyone who coughs up anything, I will puke.  Blood?  do not get me started….I was never inclined to be anything other than I am.  I love food, and cooking.  period.

The past few years, I have accepted and done what I thought a “good daughter” should.  I have made family members suffer from my “absence”.  I never thought it would affect me like it has.  This is not about my family members, this is about me.  period.

I’ve tried to explain to the Farmer and also the Electrician.  I have had many conversations with many people, but at the end of the day, it comes right back to me.

Forgive me for being selfish at this point in my life.  Don’t get me wrong in any way shape or form.   There are people who are on this earth to go through what I’ve been through and they can do it.  I’ve reached a point, where I cannot.

I had a very long conversation with someone who is special to me today. She answered some of the questions I had, I also had a very long conversation with a family member today, and she gave me the same answers.

I give……period.  This is a painful journey, and I have to cry “I’m done” at this point.  I can no longer give up the personal sacrifice, nor can I do what is expected of me at this point.

Have I hurt peeps at this point, oh yea, I have.  But when you are in survival mode, you have to give up something.  I cannot go down with the ship.  Will I be there, HELL YES, but I cannot lose myself in this thing anymore.

So my confession is this.  While love the Farmer and Momma too, I cannot do this anymore.  There I said it.   I am ME. and Momma knows this, she gave me the words yesterday.  This whole situation is killing me softly, and everyone and relationships around me.  While it is a daughter’s duty to do this, I give.  Because simply, I am me, and I give……

I want my old life back.  i want to be free again.  I don’t want to have to worry about the things I have been worrying about.  Trust me they never go away, but when Momma told me yesterday, “I am ok, go and do what you NEED to”, well it hit a chord in me. Momma knows me, probably better than most.

I simply cannot deal with what SHE has been given.   So while it breaks my heart, I’ve removed myself from the situation.  It doesn’t mean I won’t  still be there checking up on everything.  It just meant, sometimes things are so painful you have to remove yourself from a situation and re-evaluate what you have.

I love my Momma, but it has become to painful for me to be there.  While it may make sense to some, it really does not to me, but it is something I have to do.

Where did my Happy Place go?

I’ve asked myself this question, quite a bit lately.  All the things, that I know, seem to be upside down.  I seem to go through my day, as norm, but things that used to make me happy, well…they still do, but it is like a sadness has fallen upon me and I don’t quite know how to handle it.

Things with Momma?  They are painful.  I hate to see how she is now, and I question, the modern medicineYes, she is alive, and Yes, we enjoy her company, most of the time.  But  where did her quality of life go?  The Momma, I know today, is not my Momma.  There I said it.  The woman I see before me today, is NOTHING, like what I know. Between the Parkinson’s, the Parkinson’s Dementia, and just plain old “stuff”, this is not my Momma.

It hurts me to the core, when she cries, because her mind has given her a scene that she thinks is real, but it is not.  It hurts me that she cannot swallow, so she drools worse than a 2-year-old teething. It hurts me when she tries so hard to stand and walk, and she gets scared, because her limbs are gripped in the stiffness, and she cannot make them work the way she wants them too.  It hurts, because her neck is full of spasms, and she cannot hold it up. It hurts me because she is in pain, and full of “things” in her mind, and I cannot help her.  There, I said it.  I. Cannot. Help. Her.

Oh sure, I can give her a bed bath, and scrub her head, so she stops itching,, I can clean her up after she goes on the potty.  I can hold her hand and just sing to her and she smiles and sings too.  I can hold her hand and talk to her in soft tones, and tell her stories of our past, they seem to comfort her.  I call the Farmer in on particularly rough moments, so he can back me up, so she will believe what I am saying.  Momma is tired.  I know this.  Heck for that matter, the Farmer and I are tired too.

It is not all doom and gloom.  There are moments, when Momma shines through and it is truly a joy to see, but they are coming farther and farther in between.  It’s okay though.  Truly it is.  What will be will be.

I haven’t written on my blog for a while, simply because, when I started this blog, it was about my life with Momma.  Life with Momma has been painful lately, and while it is hard for me to write this, I owe it to myself to see it through.  I’ve been contacted by so many people, that have the same disease as Momma.  Parkinson’s Disease.  I’ve made a lot of friends through this blog as well.

While it is painful for me to share with y’all these things, I will do it.  If only to let y’all in on my world and let you know, or simply just to educate others.

I really just wish I could find my Happy Place about now, and trust me I will.

Really Feeling It….

I have always looked at my Blog as a place to put my feelings into perspective.  To try to share them with all of y’all, and make sense of them myself.    The funny thing is, I seem to have lost my way, so to speak.

Sometimes, I re-read what I have written and I feel what I was feeling at the time I wrote them.  I go through every emotion and every feeling that I had at the time.  I look back, and I laugh, and I cry, I cry hard, because there are so many things I never said.

I really am not trying to be depressing, I am trying to figure out some things in my mind at the moment.  I made a post a few times about the  “Que Sera Sera” effect.  While it still rings true today, it has a different meaning.

I’ve noticed some things lately, they are not happy things, they are things, that make my heart give a big “uh oh”… They are things that I have watched over the past few years, and while Momma is “still here”, she is not “still here”.

I had a “first” this past week, Momma did not know who I was.  That truly hurt my heart.    I knew it was coming, but I never thought I would react the way I did.  It hurts, inside, but you cannot let it show outside.

We also had some good times, where Momma knew who I was, she always knows who the Farmer is.  We talked about it today, when she mentioned that she was “old” when she got married,.  When I reminded her of the fact they have been married for 31 + years, she smiled and said yes, it was a good thing.

Momma was mad today.  She was mad, that I had to wipe her butt, when she had an “accident” and that she could no longer control, her body.  She was also not to happy at the fact, that I made her get out of bed today. When I woke her  up and told her it was time to get up, she was just plain old mad.

Forgive me, but that was a good thing.  Because, I made her move and get her muscles moving, and proceed with the day, she got mad, at me.  I will not let her just sleep 24/7, I will not let her just give up.  Maybe I should, some of you ask?

Nope, that is not my Momma, my Momma is tired, and I know it, but I will not let her go down without fighting.  Maybe, I am selfish,maybe I am fighting a never-ending battle, BUT until she tells me it’s over, it ain’t over, and there is not a fat lady singing….

Hey Y’all….

Hey Y’all…How are all of you doing?  While I have had my blog going on 3 years now, I used to post daily.  After the first year, I still posted daily and was a proud member of the Post a day, I did it for the first 2 years of my blog.  Somehow…life seemed to get in the way, and I quit laying down all the words on paper (so to speak).

Somewhere along the way, some things got to painful for me to write down anymore.  You see, if I write them, that makes them real.  Maybe I have been running from them, or maybe I just don’t want to “share” that part of me.  I’m not sure of the answer.

Lately, I feel, I have been on “overload”, and no one seems to understand it, least of all me.  I’ve been mean to my husband, I’ve been mean to the Farmer, and I’ve cried buckets.  Sometimes, I feel so torn in every direction, that somewhere along the line, I “lost” me.

Yes, I am the daughter of a Parkinson’s Momma, yes, I am the Farmer’s daughter, yes, I am the Electrician’s wife, Yes, I am Momma to the kids.  Yes, I am “Jo” to Cam-man.  But lately, I’ve  wondered, who is Jo?

I had kind of “AHA” moment this morning at Church, and the sermon filled my heart.  But after hearing it, I went on and was mean to the Farmer, of which I apologize for.

Sometimes, things hit me and I do feel on “over load”, there is so much I feel compelled to do, and not a lot of people understand it.  I don’t understand it, and it’s  me.

I feel guilt in my heart, for things I’ve done recently, and I don’t want to be the nasty person I am and can be.   I can only hope that the Farmer and the Electrician can understand me, they know me the best.

It’s not an easy road I walk, I try to balance everything and everyone, and do the best that I can.  Sometimes I fall short of everyone else’s expectations.    But I guess I will say to them, I am me, and I am doing the best I can with what I know.

I do know in my heart, I am meant to take care of Momma, and give her peace, when peace is sometimes hard to achieve. There are times, when I could just curl up and give, but I won’t, because Momma needs me right now, and I’m sorry to the rest of my family, that may have to do without me at certain times, and may have to do things for themselves.  But honestly, we are all in this thing together.  All’s I ask, is that you work with me.

I have joy in my day, at different times.  But I have also learned the hard way, I need time to myself, to just be me, if that means staying in my p.j.’s all day and not doing anything, then that is what I need.  I, as a Caretaker, am really good at taking care of everyone else, but taking care of me?  Nope, not so good at that.  I’m not complaining, really I am not, I am just trying to explain to those around me, (and they read my blog), that maybe, I might need a little bit of extra care, or maybe even just a “Thank you” and some appreciation.  Goodness, knows I appreciate all of y’all.

Sometimes, being a Caregiver is a hard thing, but sometimes, the Blessings outweigh the bad, and maybe I am just going through a rough patch right now, who knows.

Sometimes, I am so confused by the roller coaster of emotions that I go through on a daily basis, that my whole insides are overturned and then some.  Some days are a giggle fest, other’s are a crying fest.    This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and yes, while I am learning a bunch, I hurt a bunch too.  I’m trying my best not to be a wimp, and maybe my reflex is to be mean, that’s not right either.

Someone told me the following:  “Sometimes, the hardest lessons hurt the most…” True. And they often teach the most.

I’m learning a bunch right now, but that doesn’t make any less painful……

Days are Days…..

Sometimes, when you have dealt with something for so long, the days just melt into each other.  Some days are good, some days are bad, and some days just stand out.  Sometimes, you just get up and deal with the day, as normal.  But sometimes days are not normal, they are unique.  I don’t know everything, trust me here.  I am basically flying by the seat of my pants.

While today started out normal, it changed into a unique day for me.  Not much was out of the normal scope, but I have learned to adapt.  I’ve learned to look for the little things, and find something special about every day.

I am Blessed by the amount of friends that I have and the amount of support I have.  When I look at my situation, I have come to the conclusion, I can either wallow in self-pity, or I can look at everything with different eyes, and learn to cherish things.

My Momma is Stage 5 Parkinson’s and it ain’t pretty in any way shape or form. I’m learning that sometimes, the best times are the worst.  Don’t get me wrong here.  I’m not promoting bad times, I’m simply saying that this is a debilitating disease, but I have learned strength, and grace.  I have learned this through my Momma, who has shown, while this disease is robbing her of some of life’s most important things, she has shown me Grace in accepting them.  She has shown me strength by trying with everything she is to over come them and still find a moment to giggle at circumstance.

God gave Momma to me, and I’m still trying to figure it out, but I would not ever turn my back on this journey.  She is teaching me so much, and I am teaching her at the same time.  She has learned my voice, (after  32 years, you would think we both would figure out, God gave us to each other for a reason).  She gets upset at so much these days, and between Dad and I, she calms down.

When I get her up and bath her and then Dad comes in, her face lights up when he says ‘Hi”. then the conversation turns to the 3 of us.  My heart is Blessed so much and there are times I could just lose it, simply for the love in the room.

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done, but to know that I have God on my side, and also, the support of all of my family and friends makes it bearable.   When God wants to bring Momma home, so be it.  I can only hope her days on earth have brought her happiness and comfort.

For me?  My journey still continues….there is so much I thought I knew, that I didn’t.  I’m still learning.  The lesson’s still continue, and I have an open mind and heart.

Sometimes, the hardest lessons hurt the most…..

Torn up, and guilt….

This one is off the cuff, and I promise not to delete it in the morning.    I’ve done that a bunch lately.  I have made a post and then wiped it off the face of the earth, because it left me feeling vulnerable..

Before I get into what  I really want to say, I just have to mention, I truly had have a wonderful day.  Today was Cam-Man’s 3rd Birthday, and the Electrician and I decided we are not moving anytime soon.  It’s ok, because I truly need to be here for other reasons.  Besides, that Cam-Man dude has wormed his way into his Papa and my hearts.

 

A friend, or shall I say Brother, has had a hard time lately.  His Momma was affected with something kind of like my Momma is.  Her time was up, and she was surrounded by her family, and she crossed over. So to speak.  His pain is great, and I feel it, because at the same token, I am dealing with some of what he did.

I look at death with a different eye these days.  It should not be a means for “selfishness”.  Because we are truly selfish for our reason’s for keeping someone who has suffered enough to be here, simply because it will crush us, to have them go away.

It has taken me some time to get to this point.   Why do we want our loved one’s to suffer, because we cannot let them go?    At the point I am at, let them go.  Let there be no more pain, let there be no more, what if’s.  If they are suffering and have no quality of life,   Let them go. 

I truly believe there is a ‘Rainbow Bridge” for animals, and I believe there is a Rainbow bridge for humans. 

I truly haste the suffering, and I hate the disease’s.  Any of them, be it Cancer, be it Alzheimer’s, be it Parkinson’s.  Any of them.  I don’t like what they do to a person, nor do I like what we, as family members have to deal with.  It ain’t pretty by any means, way, shape or form.  Sometimes the pain for the person suffering through “whatever” they have just hits us smack in the face, and Man does it hurt.

I know what is expected from me, I deal with what I can, but sometimes, on this road, I stumble and fall, but I get right back up and go with it.  That’s all I can do.

So, while y’all are out there dealing with whatever you deal with, just stop and think for a moment.  Do I really have it that bad?  Because 9 times out of ten you don’t.  

It’s taken me a LONG time to realize all of this.  I have a roof over my head, I have food to feed my belly, I am in control of all my body parts, (so far),  Before I even begin to think I have it rough, I sit back and look at others.  I’m not judging, I’m simply saying….Momma is still alive, and doing good.  I have my health, I have peeps I love beyond all recognition, and God is smiling on me. 

If nothing else, hug your kids and give them extra kisses, if your Mom and Dad are still alive, LET them KNOW how much they mean to you.  Don’t ever look back and say “I wish I had…”  Do it now,.

No regrets.  

 

 

 

Sometimes, my cup runs over….

Ok, truly from my heart, with all I deal with, I took some time today to evaluate.  Lately it seems my life is running away and I’m trying to grab each moment I can, and cherish it.  Sometimes, life doesn’t stop going, while you wish it would.  There are so many moments I am trying to grab onto, I feel dizzy.

My life lately has been turned upside down and I am trying to grab the end of the rope and hang on.  It’s a good thing, but something I am not used to. Between having a crazy schedule, and being Thankful for other things, I’ve spent more time with Momma and the Farmer than I usually do.

This tells me, be Thankful, for being able to spend more time, and also, cherishing the time.  Because in all honesty, there never seems to be enough of it.

Sometimes, we get caught up in all the things we NEED to do, and the things WE do, that it all gets muddled up into a muddy mess, and we get stressed out trying to figure out the “timeline”.  But I learned a lesson today, and forgive me but I am heardheaded.

Sometimes, when you think you can not accomplish ANYTHING, you have accomplished EVERYTHING.  I had to be in 2 different places today at the same time, was I there?  Well I may have been a couple of minutes late, but I was there. Sometimes, I just need to let go of my anxieties, and all my misgivings and just let be, what will be.  I need to understand, FIRST, I am not in control, and then I feel better.

I have prayed so hard this week (okay Every day for that matter).  Just when I think  it will get better, I am given some awful news or given another set back.  It’s ok, though, because I figure the lesson’s, I’m supposed to be learning, I am.  (Thank you God),

This road I’m travelling though, I think I need a pitstop….are those allowed?

 

Life and Living…..

Can I tell ya’ll a secret?  Can I tell you how much I am thankful for my life, and how I feel lucky?  While I may be dealing with some “stuff”, and be moaning about how bad I have it, I really don’t.  I still wake up every morning with a roof over my head, and food to fill my belly, and things that help me to do the “stuff” I do every day.

Today, was my “long” day with Momma.  Due to increased gas prices, I decided that when I had to get her up and put her back to bed, I would just stay at the Farmer’s all day, and do what I have to do.  Believe me, when I say, there is a bunch I do in that time, and ya know what?  On my drive home today, I looked at something the Nurse bought me for Christmas, and I think I have truly gotten the message….

DSCN4153This hangs from my rearview mirror, and it has My birthstone, and the Farmer’s and Momma’s.  It is engraved with  Proverbs 31;25.  “she is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at her future to come.”.

When I first got it, I fell in love with it, although I did not understand it totally.  Yea , everyone says how strong I am for doing what I do, but I didn’t understand it.  You see, I thought everyone would do it for the people they love.  Take care of them, and try to make the days better in the “ending” years.

But today, I learned something.  I am strong in certain areas, because Momma has made me be that way.  Maybe this is one of the lessons.    Dont’ get me wrong, because God is helping me more than you all know.

Today was not a great day with Momma, it was with Cam-man, and he even gave his love to Momma in his own way.  She sure perked up, when he was on the end of her bed giving her encouragement when she had her bath, and they had a “conversation about stuff”.  I was going to say sorry, but I won’t, it was to cute for words.

Sometimes at the end of the day, I give Thanks, (well I always do that), but lately, I’ve been on the “dark side” of things and truly have questions about, why does Parkinson’s rob a person of so much and make them suffer so.

But then I stop and think to myself, “Camsgranny, has this experience tought you anything?”.  And the answer to that, is oh my goodness.  It has opened my eyes too much more than I ever thought possible.  I have so much understanding of other people’s suffering, and I have more empathy than I ever thought possible, and also, It has brought an awareness to me, that if you had asked me 15 years ago, I would have felt all this, my answer would have been NO.

Parkinson’s Disease, has forever changed my life.  I will no longer look at things the same.  I can not explain it, I would not even try, but for me, this has given me a Life lesson, that maybe I should have learned earlier, but in the end, I like to think it has truly made me a better person, and given me more strength, than any person should have to find.  I am still reaching deep to find it.

There as been spiritual growth, there has been heart breaking events, but I think it is all leading up to something, and I will deal with that too.  It’s ok, especially, after putting Momma to bed tonite, she grabbed my hand, and simply stated, “I Love You Jo”.

That means the world to me, and then some.