00Hey Ya’ll, howzitgoing? I have been gone from the blogosphere for awhile now. So many things have happened in my life, that it is truly a wonder. Gotten divorced and then remarried to the same man, once our “hurts” and “anger” had subsided. Gotten a job and “blossemed” so to speak. But I am still Momma’s daughter and living with Parkinsons.
Things have changed so much in my life, when I look at previous posts and I see the niavete’ and then the hope, I know I was a known knowing person. I feel so much older and wiser now. I cannot explain it and this is not a post, where I will bash parkinson’s Disease, although I want to, I won’t.
Momma got the word she had Parks about 15 years ago. All of the reading and researching could never bring me to the point I am at now. How did we get here? Parkinson’s is a mean disease. It brings loss of all control of a person, and also in our case, all loss of control of the mind, because Momma suffers from PDD, aka Parkinsons Disease Dementia . I tried my best to be her sole Caregiver for many years, until I got to the point that I lost myself, and pretty much all of my family. I was filled with a need to “cure” something that could not be cured. I also had tunnel vision. I guess that is because I am that type of person, when I do something, I give it my all, and forget everyone else. Although in this instance, I lost a bunch.
I have since regained a bunch, but I have never regained Momma. There is no cure and no it is at the point where it is so painful just to see what this Disease has done to a fun life loving person.
My Momma is my Hero. I have never seen first hand someone fight this hard . If you have never seen someone with this Disease, I hope you never do. My fine grand Momma is a very strict and proper English Lady. To see her reduced to what she is, is definatly heartbreaking on so many levels.
I started this post back in October…..I used to blog every night, when I could share what was in my world and thoughts. It became to hard for me to share my journey, simply bcause it was a seriously rough road. I kept so many things to myself, and not shared with anyone. I realized that I had to share them with someone or some “ones” or I would implode.
I married my Best friend again…..we got lost somewhere but luckily found each other again. I opened myself up and told what I was feeling deep inside me. This journey has tought me a bunch. I am not super woman, and I cannot do it all. Parkinson’s is a horrible disease, and there is no cure. I have learned to accept that and deal with it.
The thing I did not count on, was how much it would hurt at the end. I have braced myself, and “prepared” myself for the end. But there is no preparing for the hurt and loss I feel. Do not get me wrong here folks, please. I am happy that there is no more pain or suffereing, I am not happy about loosing my Momma. I have plenty of “good” memories, and I know she is with me. But I feel a hole in my heart right now.
I guess I just wanted ya’ll to know how my journey has ended. It has, and I am dealing with it the best that I can. For anyone with Parkinson’s my heart goes out to you, for families of Parkinson’s peeps, my heart goes out. This is truly a horrible disease and my hope is if not a cure then something to help, because I am truly a Parkinson’s patient daughter who has lived it, dealt with it, and truly hates it.
To My Momma:
Margaret Ann Burwash 4/17/44 – 11-24-14, I love you Momma, I have fought by your side, and I have been astonished, and amazed at your courage, and your will to fight. You did that with Grace, and honor, and courage. You fought a good fight, and the angels came to take you home, simply to end your pain and suffering. I will forever be your daughter, and the Farmer loves you with all his heart. You leave behind a legacy, we will keep your memory alive and well. You are and always will be my Momma, our hearts are forged together. I love you and Rest in Peace my Guardian Angel.
Yes, folks, you read it. I have come to the realization, that I can no longer travel the back roads at twilight or dark.
Tonite, on my way back from the Farmer’s (it was twilight), I thought I was safe. Uhm, duh….nope. About 5 minutes into the 30 minute drive, I saw the first deer. Poor little dude was standing by the side of the road, and I saw him and slowed down. We looked at each other, and he let me pass.
The second wasn’t even 5 minutes later and I slowed down as he darted across the road and turned back and I swear, it looked like he winked at me.
I felt safe for the next 10 minutes and then I was back in the woods again, and there was another one, just standing by the side of the road, kinda watching me. By now, I’m starting to think there is a plot going on.
I make it by that one and am starting to feel safe again, so I speed up a little. I’m in the part of my trip home where it is just through the last dredges of the country road, before I hit the beginnings of town.
I let out a big sigh and then something on the side catches my eye, it’s another deer, running across the corn field, towards the road I am traveling. I slow down AGAIN. But, it didn’t matter, he came to a screeching halt before the road and just watched me go by.
I think that’s because his brother was oh….10 feet down the road and watching me approach. I would like to be corny and say this one salutes me, and in a way he did, because instead of crossing the road in front of me, he turned around and gave me his butt view as he went the other way.
So, to all of my Guardian Angels, I send my heart-felt thanks for watching over me tonite. I kinda like to think that each deer that I passed tonite was one of them, and they were watching me on my way home.
But….on another note, it could be that I am one lucky person, who dodged the deer. But, I’ve learned my lesson, I will go through town on my home at night from now on. Simply for the fact, I really like the Rav4 and I don’t want to hurt one of them.