Tag Archives: James Joyce

Good days, and bad days…..

Yesterday was an ok day, not great, but not bad.  Today,I decided to give the Farmer a break, so I snuck into his house to let him sleep in.  I got things ready  for Momma‘s first round of meds.  Made myself a cup of coffee, turned the t.v. on, and then went in to see how Momma was doing.  I listened to her tummy bubble, and took her temp, and then gave her meds, and a feeding with a water flush through the tube.  Momma never woke up.

I went out and cleaned everything up and got the next round ready, then sat down with my coffee, and watched the News about the Eastern Coast and how they had fared from Hurricane Sandy.

I have to insert here, I have a bunch of friends that are all over the area that was hit.  I have heard from a few, and I believe the others are going through power outages, but I pray they are all ok.

The Farmer had a good sleep in today, and finally surfaced at about 9:30, sure beats getting up at 7.  He looked relaxed, so I went ahead and started breakfast of Denver omelets this morning.  While we were eating he asked how Momma was this morning, and I replied with “sleeping, and no, she did not wake up at 8, when I gave her the meds.”  The Farmer then told me about something that has been happening the past couple of nights.  It is a new thing. It was hard for the Farmer to explain it to me other than it scares him.  The closest thing I can think of to explain it is, she kind of forgets to breath.

I’m glad he told me about this, because a few minutes later, I heard Momma choking.  I ran into the room, and she looked at me and there were tears rolling  down her face, and there was a look of sheer terror.  I pulled her upright and asked her what was the matter, and she told me someone was after her.  I finally convinced her no one was after her, and that she was safe in her bed, in her home with me and the Farmer and the 2 cats were the only ones there.  She stopped crying and then fell back asleep.

The Farmer left to go do a couple of errands, and I got busy making spaghetti and meatballs for the Farmer’s dinner.  Well, I made the sauce and meatballs, and then ended up freezing the extra meatballs and sauce for a dinner later on. While I was rolling meatballs, I heard Momma again, and I flew into her room.  I really do not know what is going on with her, but it is kinda of like she forgets to breath, and then tries to suck in all the air she can and then chokes.  After calming her down again, and giving her the 3rd dose of meds, she went back to sleep.

I finished up all the other stuff I had to do, and then I got Momma up.  When I went in and pulled the blinds up, she smiled and never even knew anything of the morning.   I asked her how she had slept, and she replied with “not to bad”.  She gave me that big morning hug, I always ask for, and then when the Farmer came in she wanted a big hug from him too.  She walked out to her chair, and did really good.    5 minutes in her chair and she was asleep.

I woke her up to give her the 2’s, and she fell asleep while I was giving them to her.  I finished up my stuff, because I had to fly down the road to an appointment, but as I was giving hugs and kisses, she grabbed onto me and told me she loved me, and thanked me for everything.

This was different from yesterday, when we had the discussion about her telling me she had to leave, and when I asked her where she was going, she told me home.  When I looked at her and told her she was home, I got the look, to which she replied, she was going home to HER Mom and Dad.

Things are definitely a little wacky right now.  Sometimes, when I watch Momma sleep, she pulls her head off the pillow, and giggles, talks, and gestures, but is asleep.  I’m not sure what she is dreaming about, but she is very lively.  It’s just a little sad, that she is sleeping so many hours of the day, and we see her briefly here and there.

 

 

 

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Reality Comes back….

The past few days have been a ray of sunshine.  They have been filled with lots of laughter, hugs, and kisses.   The Electrician‘s parents aka My Outlaws  left today.  I know they were supposed to leave the day before but unfortunately, Papa got sick.  After a trip to Urgent Care yesterday morning.  Papa had bronchitis, it came on suddenly, and the Electrician and I and Mama were all worried.  He was given 3 different types of medicine, and he said when we called tonite, he was better.  I think he really just wanted to get home to his own bed.

When you are sick, and not in your own home, it makes a difference.  My MOL and I  made a Vegetable soup with some cheddar cheese bread last night and we steamed Papa’s face over the soup to help him feel better.

This morning at 6 am the Electrician woke me up, because they were packing up the car.  I went upstairs and we all had coffee together, and then finished packing up the car.  I did send them home with some frozen Illinois corn off the cob I had frozen earlier this summer, and also a couple of bags of green chili.

When it was all said and done, and the last hugs, and kisses were given, both the Electrician and I cried.  But we both know in about 4 months we will all be together again.

Somewhere in the past couple of days though, we’ve had some major worries.  We live on well-water.  That means, we have a well, and we pump the water into the house.  Two days ago, our water got kind of murky, as in brown.  Last night, we lost all water pressure.  The Electrician and I were worried.  We have lived in our house for 15 years, we’ve replaced the well pump, and the pressure tank in 15 years we have lived here we have never had this.  We were scared.

The cost, the worries, the pressure.  The Electrician is laid off right now, and we don’t have a bunch coming in.  The cost to dig a new well…. well, let me just say, we were worried, scared, nervous, biting our fingernails.

I went over to the Farmers this morning, a little later than I had said I would be, but ya know what?   I had to deal with stuff at home before I can deal with stuff at the Farmer’s.  Sorry Daddy.

Luckily for us, when they put the new pump in, they used the wrong type of fittings and the one’s the company used were galvanized, and they should have been brass.  Our fittings on the pump broke and that is what the problem was.   My pump is now working properly, and I have water, and while it still may be a little brown, the pressure is back to normal.  Thank God, because we are talking a difference of thousands of dollars to hundreds.

Momma,  well, she is doing ok.  Today was not a good day.  We have those.  You cannot  have a bunch of good days without having a bad day, and today was a bad one.  Parkinson’s has gripped her so tight today.  I seriously hate that.  But I have come to realize I have no say.

Momma did not know who I was this morning.  She was caught up in the grips of Parkinson‘s.  She had a bad dream and was scared, and while I tried to make it right, I failed.   The Farmer came in and tried to help to calm Momma down.  Sometimes the Parkinson’s brain, does not allow for anyone to help.  We did the only thing we could, gave her a kiss and left the room and told her to sleep.

I came back to get her up about an hour later, Momma was sorta back to herself.  We did her bath, but we hurried because Momma told me she had to pee, and was holding it.  I got her up and onto her potty,   I finished her bath on the potty.  I am proud of the fact, Momma went on the potty.

I’m sorry y’all, this week has been emotional in a way none of you will ever realize.  Picture this if you will….your Momma see’s you but she does not recognize you.  She thinks she knows you, but she is not sure, she is scared because of her dreams.    Be it your husband, your brother, your spouse.  It sucks.  Because while you may know them,, they don’t remember you.

Can there be a day?

Can there ever be a day when your cup runs over?

Can there ever be a day when the past is gone?

Can there ever be a day when everything clicks?

Can there ever be a day when your heart is full?

Can there be a day when nothing goes wrong?

Can there ever be a day when everyone gets along?

Can there ever be a day when the future is not scary?

Can there be a day when you are happy to be alive?

Can there ever be a day when sorrow is not calling your name?

Can there ever be a day when you wake up and not be scared?

Can you ever wake up and find that Parkinson’s does not exist?

Can you wake up and find that the past few years were nothing but a dream?

Can you ever wake up and find that your blog stats have gone threw the roof?

Can you ever wake up and just be yourself?

Can you ever wake up and hope that things are normal, and the past few years have been a dream?

Can you ever wake up and just feel blessed with the day?

Yes, I think you can…..Because to tell you the truth, no matter how down I get, nor how upset I am at Parkinson’s, I can wake up and embrace the day.  Momma is living with PD and doing a good job of it.

Me, I am doing ok, I am learning how to deal with it.  But I have so many other factors in my life that bring me joy.  I am truly a Blessed woman.  To come from ashes to being  what I am, I’m Blessed.  I thank God each and every day just for the day.

While I am not sure what is coming, I’m ready.  Simply for the fact, I’m not in this alone.  I have the Electrician, and all of his kids to help me, and  I also have some sisters who I never thought I would have, but by the Grace of God, he has given me, and you know who you are.

While the 3 of us are all in different situations, they are all kind of the same but with different dynamics.  Momma, Brother, and Husband.  Different dynamics, but the same disease.  We 3 have been through some times, each different situations, but ALL the same feelings.

To My Sisters, I say to you, I love both of you, and am so glad God brought me to you both.  You have made my journey easier, because I can scream, and go off and just vent to you both, and neither one of you tell me anything different. You both know my emotions, and my feelings because at one time or another, you both have felt them.    Thank you!!!  From the bottom of my heart….

So…  Can there be a day, when I can meet both of my sisters that God has so thoughtfully given me?

 

Today was a success….

When I woke up this morning, it was in a bit of a panic.  I could not see the alarm clock, and I thought I had to be somewhere early this morning.  Silly me, it was 6:45 and I didn’t have to be anywhere early.  Whew.

I drank my coffee and did some domestic diva stuff, and then headed over to the Farmer’s.  I was on a mission today. Momma needed her hair washed, and not by a “hair wash cap”. I’ve been mulling over in my mind how to accomplish this, without “stressing” out Momma, nor sapping all of her energy, bending over the kitchen sink for 15 minutes.

I approached the Farmer with my plan, and he was game.  I let Momma sleep in (as usual).  I did the domestic diva stuff at the Farmer’s, the usual, mopping floors.  On a side note, and this is not meant to be snarky in any way shape or form, but if ANYONE thinks a white tiled kitchen floor is a good idea, well, I’m here to tell you DON’T DO IT!!!!!  I swear, I mop this floor at least 3 times a week, and then I hand ‘swipe” it the other two.

I did the laundry, and made a meatloaf  for the Farmer this weekend, fed the cats, restocked the Pepsi in the fridge, took out trash, and a few other things (yea, the Electrician just read the list and made a comment about doing some of  THIS stuff at home).

It was close to time to get Momma up.  I had already been into her room a few times, to clean her up and get her dry, give her meds and just to check on her.   She was snoring to beat the band this morning, and I giggled at the Farmer that the roof was going to blow off.  He made the comment, “At least we know she is still breathing”.  We both giggled and smiled.

Time to put my plan into action.  I got 1 bucket full of water with a cup and put it on the side table,  I got another bucket (empty), I got 2 towels, and then one of the bed pads that we use, and then also a hairdresser cape ready.

I woke Momma up, and we exchanged the normal early afternoon banter.  I asked Momma if she was ready to get her hair washed.  She replied that she wasn’t feeling up to standing, and I replied with I had a plan.  She said she was game so it was on.

Momma has a hospital bed, and she normally sleeps at a 45 degree angle (she has a feeding tube in her stomach and is NEVER allowed to be flat).  I helped her sit up (at a 90 degree angle), and then I moved her pillow and put it in the middle of her back.  I laid down the bed pad over her pillow and the back of the bed, then I laid down a towel, and next the hairdresser cape, but I put that on backwards, so the majority of it was behind her.    I then took the empty bucket and butted it up to her.  I then asked her to lean back and look at the ceiling.  I then proceeded to wash her hair using the 2 buckets, and voila.  SUCCESS.

When I was done, I removed the now full bucket, and pulled everything off the bed.  The bed was dry, and so was Momma.  I wrapped her head up in a towel, and then proceed to bathe her.  We did our normal routine from there.

When we got Momma up and onto her porta potty, I blow dried her hair and when she was done, fully dressed.  The Farmer remarked to Momma when he came in to help me assist her up and into the living room “There is my beautiful girl, and your hair looks amazing”.  Momma smiled, and demanded a kiss, from both of us.

I must say, Momma walked into the front room with a little “swag” in her step, and I think she felt truly happy.    I was ecstatic simply for the fact, I’ve now figured out how to wash Momma’s hair without her feeling drained or stressed.  No more itching herself silly.  THAT makes me happy. However on a side note, I think I need to get some posters to put on the ceiling for her to look at while we do this.

I finished cleaning her room, starting another load of laundry, and making her bed for her to get into it this evening (I usually do that every day anyway), I laid out her p.j.’s on her pillow, and because today was a mild day, I opened her windows to let it air out.  I had no sooner opened the windows, when both of Momma’s protectors came flying into the room and each kitty took an open window and promptly climbed into it.

When I was getting ready to leave, I gave the Farmer some last-minute instructions, (and p.s. Hey Farmer, Don’t Forget to tell Beth about Friday.)

Today for me was a huge success.  I will also say, I’m kinda proud of myself for finding a better way for Momma to get her hair washed that does not sap all of her strength, and scare her.

Happy Friday peeps, today was a good one!!!!!

A Kick in the pants

 

I was just given a serious kick in the pants.  I was advised by the Electrician that I needed to get off my pity pot, and quit looking at yesterday, and start looking at tomorrow.

While I am sitting and moaning about how bad Momma has progressed, I need to look at today, and cherish it,

Momma is still here, and I need to quit looking at her to die, and just relish every moment I have with her, and starting taking “mind video’s”.

Isn’t that the truth.  I have been so caught up with how bad her progression has gotten, that I have somehow managed to lose today.

So, instead of looking at the negative, which is what I have been doing, about all the things she can no longer do, and how her mind is acting lately, and getting upset and depressed.  I need to look at the fact, that Momma is here NOW.

So with that being said, I will now find a positive about today.

Momma is awake, and although terrified at her surroundings, because nothing is familiar.  She does eventually recognize who we are.

Momma can STILL walk into the front room.  The fact that she is still able to walk albeit only in the mornings is a miracle.

The fact that she is still breathing and snoring like crazy and blowing the roof off the house with her snore, well, that is a Blessing too.

The fact that I get to share almost everyday with her, THAT is a Blessing all unto itself.

I’m tired of waiting for the BOOM.  I will live the following days, blessing everything, and cherishing every day that I have with this wonderful woman, and when it comes, so be it.  I am no longer afraid of it, I’m not going looking for it.

BUT, I am going to live it and cherish each and every moment from this day forward.

 

 

Yesterday’s re-visited, and Parkinson’s

I have been known to be Queen of the back roads, simply because anyone who knows me, knows, I hate to drive through town.  Besides, the back way is so much prettier than town.    There are 2 different back ways to go that actually run into each other.  So, today I went the full back way from my driveway to my folks driveway.

This is right around the corner from my house…this would be my BFF Jill’s pasture and her hubby Bill’s cows..:)

This is a little further on down the road.  (p.s. this is a dirt/gravel road and I really dislike the way my back window gets covered with dust and I can’t see out of it.)  I do like looking at all the trees changing colors.

This Log cabin/house is one of the prettiest  in the area and with all the colors of the trees, one of my favorite.

I love when the trees turn colors against the green pasture….

This is one of my favorite corners because I know what comes next….

Fishing hole, swimming hole, and kayaking start…plus it’s peaceful on a drive when you are getting your thoughts together.  I have also ran into so many deer on this part of the road.  They come down from the hills to get a drink, and then scatter up the hill, when I slowly drive around the corner.

And this is going over the bridge where the 2 roads meet.  I’m a lucky girl because sometimes I drive this at least 4 times a day.  I do this drive because as I’ve already said, I really, really dislike driving through town.  It’s not pretty and it adds about 15-25 minutes to my time, there are stop-lights and traffic and town.  On this road, there’s really not a lot of people driving it, there IS a lot of farmers driving it, but hey…I don’t mind pulling off the side of the road for a Combine or whatever.  I even stop for Deer.  I DO NOT however drive this road at night….too many critters, and I like my Toyota  Rav 4 too much to hit them or have them hit me.

I have re-visited this post, that was originally posted last year.  I revamped it and added to it.  These are sights that I see on a day-to-day basis.  Some friends of mine who live in the “big” city, laugh at me. Until they see pictures such as this.  They might not have to fight with raccoons, or stop for deer on the road, but ya know what?  I don’t hear sirens or stuff like that, and if I hear gunshots, it’s because it’s hunting season.

I wouldn’t trade this for anything.  I am a country girl at heart, and a Farmer’s daughter.The Farmer’s daughter who has a brown thumb, and relies on her Electrician husband to keep things alive around my house.

While I understand that it is best to let yesterday go, I like to re-visit it sometimes. Especially on days like today.

While I want to be positive and not let negative rule me, sometimes it is hard.    When Momma could not recognize who the Farmer and I were,and telling me we were two very nice people, and thank you very much for all our help. To then her telling me I was her Momma and just needing a hug.  While I understand that PD has attacked her brain, and sometimes it’s a little messed up, I try to fill her void.  She has been very emotional lately, and I think I could handle things a bunch better when there were no tears rolling down her face,  or she wasn’t so upset because of how confused she is.

She talks a lot about the past now.  She told me about the voices in her head, and asked me if I could hear them.  While I cannot hear them, I tried to make her feel better.

The Farmer has a hard time hearing Momma, simply because, YES, he is a little hard of hearing.  But at the same token, it might be a good thing, because he does not always hear what Momma is saying.

Parkinson’s is a very hard thing to deal with, if I am having a hard time, I can only imagine Momma’s terror.

Being Sorry, and mad at the same time….

Today started out kind of different.  I woke up and did the domestic diva stuff, and then headed out to the Toyota dealership for a scheduled oil change on the Rav 4. I picked the earliest appointment possible, because well… I was going over to the Farmer’s after.

Apparently, I needed all kinds of filter changes, and a tire rotation and a few other things.    Didn’t quite expect THAT bill, and now know, (Thanks to the Electrician), I could have probably bought the filters somewhere else and installed them ourselves, except for one thing.  I have no freaking idea where they all go.  It took the Electrician and I about a half hour just to figure out where the battery was in the damn car.

But anyway, by the time I got to the Farmer’s I was a little frazzled.  I really don’t like spending my mornings at a car dealership, waiting for my precious car to get fixed, and then being approached by EVERY salesperson there, on how they need my 2005 Rav 4 and it would be so easy to put me into a Rav 4 2012, for less money.  Uhm, okay, I may have been born at night (and actually it was the first thing in the morning) but Please….

Enough on that one.  I got to the Farmer’s and made him breakfast and then the Farmer and I had a “heart-to-heart”.  We are both feeling the same emotions.  It seems though  on the surface, I am of a harder heart than him.  The Farmer did not sleep very well last night.  Momma had gotten upset, and in turn upset the Farmer, because he feels bad.

It’s a vicious cycle.  Sometimes, while we would like nothing better than to make the PD patient feel better, we can’t.  There are times when we have to tell them no, and we are sorry.  We are not just sorry for them, but we are sorry, for being unable to make the situation better.   But sometimes, Safety has to win out.  Some situations are impossible to perform with just a single person.

I think my biggest thing, is, I have these emotions on a daily basis.  I know WHAT Momma can do and what she cannot do.  I know what I am capable of doing with Momma, just her and I, and what I am NOT capable of doing, anymore.

It’s the anymore, that is killing me softly.  I am not a CNA, I  don’t have any type of medical training, other than what the Nursing Student has taught me, and I’ve listened to the Caretakers we have.   But, I do know Momma.

I understand when the Farmer tells me he got upset.  The Farmer is now seeing what I’ve seen all along, and been upset about.  Progression is a good thing in some things in life, but with Parkinson’s, Progression, seriously sucks.

The reason I say this, I hate, that the beautiful woman, who could bathe herself, dress herself, go to the restroom herself, is no longer capable of doing these things.  She cannot even stand unless there are two people to help her.

My Momma is not really the crying type, she has that stiff upper British lip so to speak.  (Well…she is British and a little Irish thrown in too).  I do find, taking care of her on a daily basis, but there are some days, and today was one of them, when Momma lets her emotions out, and there were tears in her eyes.

It’s days like today, when I truly curse Parkinson’s.  When Momma looked at me and she hurts in her neck from trying to stand straight (and I am going to blunt here) we tell her to look at the Farmer, so I can wipe her butt, and pull crap from her butt, because she is unable to.  These days suck Twinkies.

But the worst part?  This isn’t as bad as it is going to get, and all 3 of us realise this.    I have nights where I can’t sleep no matter how hard I try.  I understand the Farmer’s restless night.

I’m so angry sometimes I could spit.  But then, to be realistic, I try to put myself in her shoes.  It’s very scary to me, simply for the fact, I would be dependent on other people, to be able to make it through the day.  For someone who is a very Independent person, this truly is scary.  What if they don’t want to care for me anymore, and just leave me be?

For Momma, this will NEVER happen.    She is loved by the Farmer and myself, and we will take care of her no matter what.   But my question is this, what about those people who don’t have a Farmer or a daughter to take care of them?  What happens to those people?  It’s the what if game.  That’s one game I really don’t want to play.

Now that I have rambled on….I guess my true thought is this, While I THOUGHT I knew what we were in for, I really never had a clue.  The emotions, the feelings, the care, the sadness, the happiness over a silly thing,  Over how much one person’s smile, that lights up their eyes, could truly mean.  To being Blessed, no matter how you look at it, to be able to take this journey, and feel everything, but knowing, we are making a difference to one person, and how much they need us, to how much we need them, to them appreciating  us, to just how much that ONE person, loves us, and we love them.

This weeks plan, and dedication…

 

This week, I have already started planning.  I do not have Cam-man this week, and my bottom lip is dragging, it’s ok though, because I have some time slotted for just him.

This week is dedicated to the Farmer.  You see, the Farmer NEVER actually gets a break.  He is there 24/7, with me to fill in daily.  After getting up so early last week to go get Cam-man, the Farmer had made a remark to me.

I listened.  Tomorrow, I am going to arrive at the Farmer’s at about 7:45 am, and get Momma‘s 8 am meds ready and give them to her.  When he hears me arrive, he is to turn over and sleep in as long as he wants.

When he does finally surface, it will be to a fresh cup of coffee, and a fresh cooked breakfast, and not one of those freezer breakfasts he eats over the weekend when I am not there.

I will also do this again on Wednesday, just for him.  You see, while he may feel like sometimes he is in this with just her and him, I’m here too.    I can get up early, and it’s not hurting me any to go over a little earlier a couple of days a week.  And also, believe me when I say, I can totally understand wanting to sleep in.  I cherish Saturdays and Sundays for this fact.

I NEVER want the Farmer to feel he is alone in this journey, and while there are times he has to understand, I also have my own family and can’t always do what he needs.  I am still here.

We figure our Calender religiously , I know when his events are and I mark them on my calender and know what I am supposed to be doing.  I hate the fact that the Farmer has to “ask my permission” to go to an event. I hate the fact there are times I have to tell him no, because I already have plans.

While neither one of us signed onto this Parkinson’s Thing, we are both here, and both trying to make it work.  I would say, we do it together rather well.

Because the bottom line is Momma.  She is the sun in our lives.  I am reminded of a song, it is one, that was on Facebook this week, and I laughed, because it was a very good friend that started it.

You are my sunshine My only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray, you’ll never know dear, how much I love you, please don’t take my sunshine away.

On this the Farmer and I are on the same page. Although Parkinson’s has entered our lives, and trust me folks, we’re in Stage 5.  We are scared, and living day-to-day.  It doesn’t matter if it’s raining outside, if Momma wakes up, the sun is shining.

 

Tailspin, and falling….

 

Right now, I am in a tailspin.  It’s ok, some different people have caught me, and turned my world right side up again.    You all know who you are and  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

We have all agreed, Parkinson’s Disease otherwise known as PD sucks green Twinkies.   It affects everyone differently, and that’s what makes it the “unknown”.

If I knew what the next step was, well ok, I’d be fine.  But ya know what, this thing throws stuff at you when you are least prepared.  You can have several days of the good stuff and then all of a sudden, WHAMMO, you don’t know which way to go.

To be truthful, and to the Farmer I’m sorry, but I have cried buckets today. I never in my wildest dreams, could have imagined that Momma would not recognize me.   The fact that you came in and sat with us, while I gave her a bath meant the world to me, because you gave me the strength to give her a bath and carry on that “doesn’t mean much” banter with her.

The fact that I sat with you this morning and told you about last night, and  you felt my pain, I seriously cannot imagine the pain you are feeling.    I know you love her with all that you are, I see it, the Caregivers see it.  I love her too.  But to put it to you honestly, This is rough, and if I feel that way, I can only imagine how you feel.

I understand it is only going to get rougher, and the Farmer realizes this too, But from me to him. I’m here Daddy.   I want Annie to be comfortable, happy, and loved, and I think she feels it.  She told me today “I Love you Joanne, but your Dad is my world”.  I told her this, “I Love you Annie, and you, Dad, and Eric are my world, I’ll be back tomorrow to get you up.”, she grabbed my hand and smiled, and kissed me.

I’ll be there bright and early tommorrow…for me, it’s just one day at a time for right now….

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Territory….

As usual, when I take care of Momma on the “double” days, when I finally do arrive home, I find that I cannot sleep.  While today, may not have seemed “hard” by some people’s standards.  I found it to be hard by my standards.

First, let me say, I am not a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant), I am a daughter, who has tried to learn everything she can about what we are dealing with.  If I don’t have answers to certain situations, I research.  If I still am not happy about the research, I get on the phone and call EVERYONE I know with a Nursing Degree, or my favorite is the Nursing Student.  Simply for the fact, maybe they can explain a situation, that is new to me.

While maybe my first attempt, at a new “situation” might not be the right one, I try to learn as quickly as possible, what is best for Momma.  The first time, I ever changed Momma’s  “diaper”, I threw her legs up in the air, like I would a baby.  Welp, I  learned quick enough THAT was not the way to do it.

But sometimes, when hit with a different situation, I really don’t know how to act, and just plow through it.    Maybe the “situation” I can handle, but dealing with Momma’s emotions are really rough.

You have to understand a few things, my Momma, is/was a very Independent person, who liked to take care of herself and always looked fabulous.  She was very proud of her accomplishments.  Momma, was not really “emotional”, in fact the first time I ever heard her and the Farmer “argue”, I was amazed.  Momma’s got some backbone, because she stood nose-to-nose with the Farmer and let him have “what for”.  Momma, is not the crying “type” either.  Sure, when her Momma died, she cried, and when her Dad died, she cried, but she is not a “whiney” type of person.  I think it has to do with that British “stiff upper lip” thing.

In the 9 almost 10  years Momma has had Parkinson’s, I’ve NEVER seen her just sort of “give up”.  She attacks each new “situation” in true Momma fashion.

It seriously about knocked me out today, when she started crying and seriously getting upset.  I stopped all activity and just held her, and gave her MY Momma Bear hug.  We held each other, and then I stepped off, and she looked me in the eyes, and said “I Love you Joanne”.  I told her “I Love you too”.

Momma wanted to go to bed early tonite.  Tonya, and I helped her into the bed, and got her all comfy, and sure enough, she went to sleep.  I gave her the 8 pm meds, and got frustrated, because I think her g-tube is clogged, and I’ll be bringing over a bottle of coke in the morning.    But she slept.

I checked on her a couple of times, but those eyes were shut.  I did have to giggle, because this morning when I went into get her up, she told me to “go away, I’m visiting India right now”.    Uhm…ok, have a nice trip.  So, obviously, while she is sleeping she is having some “adventures”.

On the physical side, there is nothing that Parkinson’s can throw at me, I can’t figure out a way to make it better.  On the emotional side, that’s a whole different story.  It hurts me to see HER loose it.  While I know the “progression” of things documented by so many people before me, each case is different.   Each person is different, and that’s what makes this Disease so different from any other.

My first thought, is anger.  My second thought is empathy.  My third thought, I don’t really know.  This is a journey I am taking, along with the Farmer and Momma,   I can’t think of any other place I would rather be….ok, well, that’s not true, because I would seriously take being on the beach drinking a pina colada with the Electrician, about now, versus what I’m doing.

I will leave you with this thought though, The Farmer always told me every event in your life builds character.  Geesh, how much character does one person need?