Sometimes, when you have dealt with something for so long, the days just melt into each other. Some days are good, some days are bad, and some days just stand out. Sometimes, you just get up and deal with the day, as normal. But sometimes days are not normal, they are unique. I don’t know everything, trust me here. I am basically flying by the seat of my pants.
While today started out normal, it changed into a unique day for me. Not much was out of the normal scope, but I have learned to adapt. I’ve learned to look for the little things, and find something special about every day.
I am Blessed by the amount of friends that I have and the amount of support I have. When I look at my situation, I have come to the conclusion, I can either wallow in self-pity, or I can look at everything with different eyes, and learn to cherish things.
My Momma is Stage 5 Parkinson’s and it ain’t pretty in any way shape or form. I’m learning that sometimes, the best times are the worst. Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not promoting bad times, I’m simply saying that this is a debilitating disease, but I have learned strength, and grace. I have learned this through my Momma, who has shown, while this disease is robbing her of some of life’s most important things, she has shown me Grace in accepting them. She has shown me strength by trying with everything she is to over come them and still find a moment to giggle at circumstance.
God gave Momma to me, and I’m still trying to figure it out, but I would not ever turn my back on this journey. She is teaching me so much, and I am teaching her at the same time. She has learned my voice, (after 32 years, you would think we both would figure out, God gave us to each other for a reason). She gets upset at so much these days, and between Dad and I, she calms down.
When I get her up and bath her and then Dad comes in, her face lights up when he says ‘Hi”. then the conversation turns to the 3 of us. My heart is Blessed so much and there are times I could just lose it, simply for the love in the room.
This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done, but to know that I have God on my side, and also, the support of all of my family and friends makes it bearable. When God wants to bring Momma home, so be it. I can only hope her days on earth have brought her happiness and comfort.
For me? My journey still continues….there is so much I thought I knew, that I didn’t. I’m still learning. The lesson’s still continue, and I have an open mind and heart.
Sometimes, the hardest lessons hurt the most…..
“When I look back on on my life, I can see the pain I’ve endured, the mistakes I’ve made and the hard times I’ve suffered. When I look in the mirror, I see how strong I’ve become, the lessons I’ve learned and I’m proud of who I am”.
When I saw this last night on Facebook, I have to admit, I posted it. You see, it kind of means a bunch to me. I am a work in progress.
I have not always been the Woman I am today. I have endured some really hard times, but who hasn’t? I’ve made a BUNCH of mistakes, but who hasn’t? I’ve suffered some really cruel things, but who hasn’t?.
I have prayed so hard, I thought no one heard me. Guess what? Sometimes what you pray for, is not necessarily what you need.
But I will have to say, I am still learning things today. I am a work in progress.
I have been told by quite a few people, that I am strong. I don’t always feel that way. I have days where things happen, and I would like to crawl into a little ball and forget about everything. But that is not who I am.
I have had a bunch of different experiences in my life, they have all contributed to who I am today. I have not always made the best of choices, and I have made a BUNCH of mistakes. But one thing I have learned? I have learned something from each of those mistakes, and have learned lessons in each experience.
It has taken me 51 years to be comfortable with who I am. To me? That’s progress, and I still have ways to go.
I am proud of who I am today. I have learned that the most important thing to me, is to give what I am capable of giving. I am a Caregiver to my Momma, because I choose to be. Because while she may not mean anything to someone else, she means the world to me.
I have learned you don’t have to be blood to be family. and sometimes just because your blood doesn’t necessarily make you family. I’ve learned that the love between a Farmer, and his Daughter, while in the early years was misunderstood, is truly strong, and has learned to be verbal, along with lots of hugs.
I’ve learned that sometimes, what you give is what you receive. It’s better to be positive, and it is very easy to be taken in by the negative, but that the negative will draw you down to somewhere you really do not want to go.
Strength is learned, by every event in your life. It’s your choice, and you always have one. But I have learned over time, that I choose, to be positive, and I choose to see the goodness, and let the negative go. If I can help, I will, and if I cannot, I will find a way to try.
I’ve had messages from my blog, of people who are in a situation such as mine, and they are not as vocal as I am about it. But they have said Thanks to me for being vocal and sharing my story. Maybe, it is something I was meant to do. I will be honest with you though, I do not post about everything with Momma. Simply because some things, I am still learning to deal with, and some things to me are just to personal to put out there. Also, the Farmer is my number one blog fan, and I will not post anything that could possibly hurt him.
I am who I am, simply by living my life, and learning from my mistakes, and becoming stronger through all my endeavors. I try to learn from every experience. I’ve got a bunch of living and learning to do, so as I said, I am a work in progress with some more lessons to learn.
I am a true believer in certain things. I have met a lot of people in my lifetime. I still have people I have met, and loved, and been friends with since I was very young. Some people have come into my life and left my life, but I enjoyed the time we had, and I always learned something.
I am not all-knowing, simply for the fact, I learn something new every day. What I am today is a culmination of a lot of different events. I used to be very scared, and worried about what people thought of me.
The Farmer always told me that every thing you do, or go through “builds character”, man, do I have enough of that.
I have finally grown into myself, so to speak. I have learned, that while I may not have made the “right choices”, I made the one’s I felt at the time.
I’ve realized that “no one” has power over me, unless I choose to give it to them. Guess what? I choose who I want to give my power to, I try to choose wisely, sometimes, it’s a good thing, sometimes not.
But ultimately, I am who I am. No longer, am I seeking out approval from anyone, because, simply, I am like no one else. I am me. The day I realized that, was a whole new beginning for me.
So, what might be good for someone else, might not necessarily be good for me. But, I have a choice.
We are all individuals that have a place. It is simply ours to choose what place to have. For me?
If I have the choice to share what I’ve learned, then so be it. If it is my place to help a friend who needs help, then I will.
People come into our lives for a reason, I truly believe this. I’ve learned so much from the people who have come into mine.
We all get “mad”, at times, but sometimes, it’s not “mad” or anger, that triggers it, when we look closer, maybe the “mad” is actually “hurt” but we don’t know how to express it, or realize it.
I’m not quite sure what my point is, but, maybe, just maybe, we need to over look the anger and truly understand the hurt we are feeling.
This is just my opinion, and we all know what those are worth huh?