I’ve asked myself this question, quite a bit lately. All the things, that I know, seem to be upside down. I seem to go through my day, as norm, but things that used to make me happy, well…they still do, but it is like a sadness has fallen upon me and I don’t quite know how to handle it.
Things with Momma? They are painful. I hate to see how she is now, and I question, the modern medicine. Yes, she is alive, and Yes, we enjoy her company, most of the time. But where did her quality of life go? The Momma, I know today, is not my Momma. There I said it. The woman I see before me today, is NOTHING, like what I know. Between the Parkinson’s, the Parkinson’s Dementia, and just plain old “stuff”, this is not my Momma.
It hurts me to the core, when she cries, because her mind has given her a scene that she thinks is real, but it is not. It hurts me that she cannot swallow, so she drools worse than a 2-year-old teething. It hurts me when she tries so hard to stand and walk, and she gets scared, because her limbs are gripped in the stiffness, and she cannot make them work the way she wants them too. It hurts, because her neck is full of spasms, and she cannot hold it up. It hurts me because she is in pain, and full of “things” in her mind, and I cannot help her. There, I said it. I. Cannot. Help. Her.
Oh sure, I can give her a bed bath, and scrub her head, so she stops itching,, I can clean her up after she goes on the potty. I can hold her hand and just sing to her and she smiles and sings too. I can hold her hand and talk to her in soft tones, and tell her stories of our past, they seem to comfort her. I call the Farmer in on particularly rough moments, so he can back me up, so she will believe what I am saying. Momma is tired. I know this. Heck for that matter, the Farmer and I are tired too.
It is not all doom and gloom. There are moments, when Momma shines through and it is truly a joy to see, but they are coming farther and farther in between. It’s okay though. Truly it is. What will be will be.
I haven’t written on my blog for a while, simply because, when I started this blog, it was about my life with Momma. Life with Momma has been painful lately, and while it is hard for me to write this, I owe it to myself to see it through. I’ve been contacted by so many people, that have the same disease as Momma. Parkinson’s Disease. I’ve made a lot of friends through this blog as well.
While it is painful for me to share with y’all these things, I will do it. If only to let y’all in on my world and let you know, or simply just to educate others.
I really just wish I could find my Happy Place about now, and trust me I will.