Tag Archives: Parkinson’s disease

Adventures Part 2…

After taking the flight and arriving in Biloxi, I was a happy camper.  I had left some seriously cold weather, to arrive in what is considered by “southerners” as cold weather.  60′ degree’s, wearing a short sleeve shirt and flip flops….yea, it was “torture”…hehehehe…

My “outlaws” met us at the airport, and hugs were given all round, and then we went to their house and dropped off our luggage, and then went to my sissy‘s house.  She had made dinner for all of us.  One year, is way to long to go for seeing your loved one’s.    Sissy had made dinner for us, and after the initial hugs and kisses were given, we all got busy, setting the table and scoping out all of the new things done to her house since I had last seen it.  Dinner, was awesome.  Sissy had made us Gumbo.  We spent the next day just goofing off, and doing some shopping.

Sunday morning rolled around, and the Electrician and I and my “outlaws” loaded up the car and took a trip to New Orleans.  We made our way to the niece’s house, and stopped to visit them for a bit, and then  they drove us to the New Orleans Port.    They dropped us off, and my ‘outlaws” the Electrician and I boarded the Carnival Conquest for our journey to begin.

For the past couple of years, my outlaws have given the Electrician and I, a present of a cruise.  Last year, we went to Jamaica, where sissy and I ziplined,  the Grand Cayman‘s, and then Cozumel.  Unfortunately for sissy, this year she had started a new job and could not go, and trust me when I say she was missed.

DSCN4206Yes, this would be me.  The first drink of the cruise, off of our balcony leaving New Orleans.  We have sailed on this ship before, so we kinda of knew the layout of the ship.  But for some reason the Electrician and my “outlaws” were turned around.  Our rooms were 2 rooms apart from each other on the same deck, and instead of being in front of the ship, this year we were toward the rear of the ship.  I kinda liked “knowing” where we were.

 

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Being on the other side of the ship so to speak, we did not see the sunrise, but we had some truly awesome sunsets.  We did however, get up early enough to get some pics of the sunrise.  Okay, pfft, who am I kidding, yes, I slept in while the Electrician went up top to get pics of the sunrise.

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Our first stop on our cruise after 2 days at sea was the Isle of Roatan.  It was a tropical paradise.  The Electrician and I both took pictures, and then both giggled, because we both had taken the same shots, so to speak.  I was floored by the birds.  The music of birds, was amazing.  I do remember something from my childhood, with the Farmer being in the Navy, “Red sky at night sailer’s delight, Red sky in the morning, sailors take warning”  We had mostly red sky at night…..DSCN4241DSCN4229

 

The day we arrived at the Isle of Roatan, it was raining, and while the Electrician and I and the “outlaws” ate our breakfast in front of the window on the top deck, we enjoyed the scene.    We laughed and giggled, and truly just enjoyed the atmosphere.     This was the first stop of 3.  The memories are truly just flowing through my mind.  I wanted to write about my journey while I was taking it, so the Electrician bought me a notebook, so I could chronicle my journey.  The funniest thing about that though?  I wrote in the journal for 3 days solid, and then could not write anymore, I just soaked up the adventure and let go of everything, that had been on my mind, and worried about.

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I felt free, and no stress, no worries, just enjoying everything around me.  I still had dreams, and I tried not to let them bother me.  Sometimes, we just need to let go and just live for the moment, and that’s kinda what I did.  I cannot tell you how many times I laughed, or giggled,or just sat and people watched.  There is a lot more to my journey, but I will end it here at the first stop.

Sometimes, after a trip like this, it takes a couple of days to get back into the “swing” of it, and I’m learning, I’m not as young as I once was.    Stay tuned for part 3, cuz that’s tomorrow’s post….

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Adventures Part One…..

DSCN4201He y’all, I’m BACK!!!!  I have just spent the most relaxing 13 days.  I cannot even begin to explain the fun I had, and the joy I’ve felt.    I would like y’all to take this journey with me.  I took some pictures, and I truly did have a marvelous time.

Did I miss MommaYes.  Did I miss the stress of dealing with Momma everyday?  No, I will be selfish here and state for the record, My “Outlaws” (whom I love beyond recognition, besides the Farmer of course) showed the Electrician and I, a truly good time and lots of giggles and a love that is endless.  As a “daughter-in-law”, I have to state, I love these people as much as I love my own parents.

This was a journey and a true “vacation” in every sense of the word.    Our “journey” started on Valentines day.  A day, that I don’t really recognize, because my love, is everyday and to me, every day is Valentine’s day.

While the Electrician went to work for a half a day, I stayed home and scrubbed my house “squeaky” clean, did laundry and then packed up the RAV 4 with our luggage.  We were off to Indy to spend the night before we flew out the next morning.  We had made reservations for a “room” at a Hotel in Indy, we actually used our ‘points” for the room which was “supposed” to be a  “king size bed” room.

When the Electrician arrived home after half a day of work, he took a quick shower and then, we hit the road.  We both were so excited, and we were talking up a storm in the car.  We made a pit stop at an Arby’s to have a quick-lunch, and then down the road we went.

We arrived at our hotel, and unloaded after checking in.  We rode the elevator up to our room, when we got there, I stuck the key in and then after opening the door, I asked the Electrician, “Where is the bed?”  he was giggling….  Folks, what I thought would be a room with a king size bed in it, was a Suite.  Knock me down with a feather.

I went into the room, and just kept asking  “Is this right?, This isn’t our room is it?”.  Yes, it was, my beloved Electrician had used his “points” to book us a “Suite”, with a jacuzzi tub to boot.

After I had picked myself up off the floor, we decided where  to go to  dinner.  We had Prime rib and all the fixings that night and then back to the Hotel for a little soak in the “tub” hehehehe….

We got up early to  be ready to leave for our flight down to Biloxi, the next morning….

Here’s some pics of what I had to “suffer” through

DSCN4202Yea, this is me, after falling out over our room.  This couch by the way opened up into another double bed.  I was floored….:)

 

 

 

 

 

The piece to resistance…..yup…here it is…

DSCN4204Yes, y’ all.  I had to “suffer” through sitting in this wonderful contraption and take a nice hot steamy bath.

Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined a Hotel room as such.    If it werent for the fact that the Electrician and I had been so tired, I probably would have utilized it more than we did.  (wink).

As it was, when the wake up call came for us to wake up and get ready (which for me accumulated to o’dark thirty), We hit the road, grabbed breakfast and then off to the Airport.
We were on time, and went through the “let me search all of  your cavities search” and boarded the plane for our adventure.   Yes folks, here I am ready to go on the DSCN4205plane and waiting for take-off….

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2….This shorties is whacked and needs some sleep…  While Vacations are always fun, and it’s nice to be Home.   It’s back to reality for me……

 

 

Watch out Momma here I come, AND, I found some monkeys for you too.

The Fortune Cookie and Another Doctor appointment…..

Before I start my original post, I want to share with you something that happened to me yesterday.    In a short follow-up of my post “In her eyes”, where I stated that I felt I was “unique”.    The Electrician and I decided to splurge yesterday after church and we went out to “lunch”.  We went to my favorite place called “The Habachi Grill”, we were celebrating the Chinese New Year, as yesterday was it.   After stuffing myself silly (I burped a bunch).  The time came for the check and the fortune cookies.  When I broke mine open and read it, I sat for a few minutes kind of dumbfounded.    The Electrician looked at me and asked me what was wrong.  I showed him my “fortune” from my cookie, and he smiled at me and said “Yep, that’s you”.  This is what the cookie said  “Your uniqueness is more than an outward experience”.   I took it to mean, that I am learning more from journey than I ever thought.

Ok, with all of that being said, I have to arrive at today.  It arrived with me getting up and trying to wake up.  I had planned to go over to the Farmer’s early to let him sleep in, and I have got that sneaking into the house thing down pat now.  (Too bad it didn’t work when I was a teenager.)

I gave Momma her first meds of the day, when she saw it was me with my cold hands on her warm body, she kind of giggled, but then promptly fell back asleep.    I got busy doing the things I do.  The Farmer surfaced, and truly enjoyed sleeping in.

Momma had a Doctor’s appointment today, and while I know she gets nervous, things seemed to go smoothly, with the exception of the Farmer.    I got Momma up and dressed and shiny and clean.  She was all for her adventure (simply because she knew we were not leaving town today).  The Nurse was coming to help get Momma into the car and go visit the Doctor with us.  We needed her “Nursing skills” to help us ask the Doctor questions.

The Farmer was getting ancy because he thinks he needs at least an hour to get to a place 15 minutes away.  (No offense Dad, but we still made it at the appropriate time of 15 minutes early, just sayin..)  Momma was buttoned up buttercup in the Farmer’s jacket, because it has a hood on it, and we were giggling about how the hood went over her entire face. My thought was something from Star Wars….where the hoods covered all of their faces.  Momma was ready to roll out to the car that the Farmer had warming up in the driveway, and he was getting a little snippy with me.    The Nurse pulled into the driveway, just as we were rolling Momma out on the ramp.  She jumped right in, and got Momma all seated in the back seat, and rode in the back with her.

I felt a little ousted of my “spot” in the backseat with Momma, as I had to ride in the front with the Farmer.  But when I heard the giggles and love from the backseat with the Nurse and momma, I was okay.    You see, it’s been a while since the Nurse has had time to spend with her Grandma, and while she’s my Momma, she is also the Nurse’s Grandma.  They have a special bond, and I can see it.  After we had checked in with the Receptionist, and Momma and I and the Nurse were sitting together, the Farmer was across from us, Momma actually said, looking at me and the Nurse “I love you guys so much”.  I thought my heart would burst from the love between all of us today.

We arrived at the Doctor’s and the Nurse was examining Momma’s feet when the Doctor arrived in the room.  Giggles were spent when the Doctor asked if he needed to look at Momma’s feet, and it was a decisive NO from the Farmer, Momma, Me and the Nurse.    The exam went well, and everything is normal.  Well…as normal as it can be with Parkinson’s.   We were advised to try some therapy on Momma and a heating pad too, because of Parkinson’s her muscles tend to spasm, and we need to massage them more to give her some comfort.

We set up another appointment to have her (as the Farmer stated) tummy tube replaced.  (It is actually a feed tube, and that is not the correct term).  Momma has another appointment to change her feeding tube, she will have to go through another surgery, and we made the appointment for a time we will all be available.

We loaded back into the car and arrived home, and then gave Momma a break, she was much more relaxed when she was at home, because Home is her safe place.  I know this.    I cannot even begin to explain what it meant to Momma and I and the Farmer to have the Nurse go on this trip with us.  Momma sure enjoyed it, and even made some giggles with the Nurse.  The Nurse even mentioned to me a couple of times how much she has missed Momma.  The funny thing to me, and ok, this next part might be graphic, but when we got Momma home the first thing we did was to put her on her toilet.  I believe she was happy about it because she did her business.  But when it came time for the cleaning up part, I was the one that put on the gloves, and cleaned Momma up.  I looked at the Nurse, and told her, “Uhm, I realize you are an LPN now and you don’t do this anymore huh?”.  Momma and the Nurse both laughed, because Yep, it’s true.

Today, was a day that is filed in my memory banks, it was truly a GOOD day.  Thank you to my daughter the Nurse, and thank you to the Farmer who did not have a heart attack because he thought we would be late.

But most of all, Thank you to Momma, who is truly a trooper, and has the strength of someone I can only wish to be.  I Love My Momma.

In her eyes…..

I read an article in a magazine last month, and I was truly engrossed.  As a Caregiver to Momma, I am all about finding out tips, or suggestions, from other’s that also occupy “my sort of world”.  The article was very informative, with the exception, the article was written for an Alzheimer’s Caregiver.

Momma does not have Alzheimer’s, although I am familiar with that disease too.  My Cousin/Aunt Kay had it, and it wasn’t pretty either.    It seems to me that there are a lot of Diseases out there, and they are given a lot of time in the news, or front-runner of charities.

Momma has Parkinson’s.  (I know you all know this, but go with me on my train of thought for the moment).  While I acknowledge that Alzheimer’s is a very nasty thing, I would like to add that Parkinson’s rates  right up there too.

But again, I digress, and I am famous for that.  My mind is going so fast that I am having a hard time keeping up with what I originally started out to say.  That happens to me sometimes.

The article that I read, gave some idea’s on how Caregiver’s could retain their well-being.  It’s hard to be a Caregiver, especially if you are a Caregiver to a member of your family.  There are so many dynamics that enter into the picture.    You hurt just not for the person going through it, but also for all of the family members going through it with the person.  Be it, Mother, Father, sister, brother, or you, the person that has it.

I am a unique person and I acknowledge this (I am not patting myself on the back here, I am letting you into my world).  When I look at Momma, and I know momma.  I see what she see’s.  I put myself into her shoes, and I realize to an extent how it feels.

I would not like the fact, that I am no longer able to any thing by myself.  I am at every one’s mercy for my well-being.  I used to be able to get up by myself and go to the restroom and wipe my own butt, I could give myself a bath, I could dress myself, and walk by myself into the other room.  I could grab my car keys and drive myself anywhere.  I could form a sentence and carry on a conversation with anyone.  I did not see things that are not there, I was able to carry on and eat anything I wanted.  But now?  Now I am reduced to not being able to do anything myself.  I cannot even roll over in bed by myself.  I am fed by a tube, and I so crave a simple piece of pepperoni pizza.  I’m scared of the night-time, and I don’t like the dark.  I have so many thoughts going on in my head, and I cannot make my mouth say them.  Sometimes, I get the words out and I let my husband and daughter know how much I love them, but my mind is clouded and I cannot form my words.  I choke on my own spit, and get scared.   I had so many dreams of when I got older, this was not one of them.

These are some of the thoughts in my head, when I put myself into Momma’s shoes.  I’ve talked to Momma, and these things are true.  While Caregiver Beth and the Farmer, get some good things, Momma shares with me her innermost thoughts at times.  I’ve carried this inside me for so long, that I am erupting in emotions about now.

I guess, as the Daughter of a Momma with Parkinson’s it is important for me to know these things.  I only have my Momma’s best interests at heart.  While I cannot easily say this does not hurt, because it does, maybe, it is something I was meant to do.  Simply because of events in my life have led me to this point.

With all of the above being said, my true reason for writing this post was to put into motion that Caregivers, need Caregivers as well.    There are times when I am so low that I cannot even see daylight.  When I feel that the burden is too much for me to bear.  But you know what?  There is daylight, and there are great memories, and it is what it is.    I am a very lucky girl.  I have a family that loves me, and will not let me do this by myself.  I have a wealth of Caregivers, who give me care.  From the Electrician, who supports me and lets me do this, even while we may not have enough money that we need, to my kids, who just call me to say what’s up, to my friends I’ve met through my blogging world who keep tabs on me.

Life is a journey, embrace every moment, enjoy everything, tell each and every person that you Love, you love them.  And at the end of the day, know that you have given your all.  Sometimes life throws us some curve balls, just be ready to catch them, and above all, believe in your heart, and go with it.

 

Whew…what a day….

Camsgranny is tired, ya’ll have no idea.  Well some of you may.  I feel like I have lived a lifetime today.   I’ve been up, I’ve been down, I’ve felt good and I’ve felt bad.

I have come to the point in this journey that I have done something called, acceptance.  It’s not an easy word to write nor accept.   I have had long talks this past week with Caregiver Beth, and Dad.  Neither of them made me feel any better.  I also had a long talk with Momma today.    That did not make me feel any better either.
I am not trying to “borrow” trouble so to speak, but I Know what’s coming.

This past week has been filled with trials and tribulations.  Folks to put it bluntly, we are scared.  Well to clarify that statement, the Farmer and Caregiver Beth are scared.    You see, this past week, Momma showed Caregiver Beth and the Farmer something I deal with on a daily basis.

Momma cannot swallow.  period, end of sentence.  I have researched the topic in-depth GREATLY.    When a Parkinson’s‘ patient gets to Stage 5, it’s all kinds of trouble and nasty things that the family has to scramble to make right.  But you have to realize “YOU” cannot make it right.

The only thing to do at this point is to make her comfortable, happy, and go with the flow.   I really am not trying to be depressing at this point, I am just letting y’all know it’s nasty in my world right now.

Caregiver Beth see’s it and is scared, The Farmer see’s it and does not want to acknowledge it.  I understand both reactions.   I guess that’s why, I am the strong one so to speak.  I see it, I understand it ( to a degree),   I’m not happy about it, but I also understand what we have to do at this time..

This is Momma’s time, we make her comfortable and make her smile, giggle or whatever, Momma is scared too, of the unknown.  One of the things that stands out in my mind today, is something Momma told me.   “Thank you, for everything, you have made me happy in more ways than you know, and I love you daughter, just like you were my own.”

I am her own, because I was the only daughter she would have in her life, and she is my Momma.  While I may be torn up inside, I know, that everything I do to help her through her journey, is only to let her know she is loved, and  if I can bring A GIGGLE to her face, and let her know she is loved, then it is all worth it to me.

Parkinson‘s totally sucks some green Twinkies.  I say this, because MY Momma will always be the woman she was, not what Parkinson’s has turned her into, but what I remember in my mind, of all of the things we have had.

Today with Momma was a good day, she knew who I was, and responded to me, in true Momma style.    It’s not going to get any better, and I know this, she’s going downhill, and I know this also.

But ya know what?  It’s our journey, and we will do whatever it takes.

 

Caregiver….Being selfish…

Today was a different day for me.  My routine was challenged, and I proceeded with how it was going to be.   I made an appointment last week that was long over due, and went with it.  You see, I am a Caregiver, and while I spend most of my time giving care, I don’t necessarily take time out of my day to help me.

I am not a fashionista, wearing sweats is usually how I approach my day.  I don’t do the makeup thing, I was never actually tought how to put make-up on, I’ve always winged it.  Most of the time, I for-go it.  period.  While I understand, that the Electrician loves when I dress up, I don’t usually do it.

Today was different for me though.  I made an appointment with my “new” hairdresser last week for this week.  Today was “MY DAY” so to speak. .  I will admit, I felt guilty, first for spending the Electrician’s hard-earned money on me, and 2, well I just don’t normally do that.

When I woke up this morning, I felt a little bit bamboozled and a little lost.  My routine was different.  When I realized, I had time to do the things I normally do, but with a little extra time, I was well….flumoxed.    I did the laundry and vacuumed the floors (up and down), and took all the trash out, not to mention playing on the internet…Geesh…I kinda did not know what to do with myself.

I will admit, I was a little nervous about going to my “new” hairdresser.  I’ve had the same girl do my hair for the last umpteen years, and well, to be honest, a girl’s hair is sacred.For me?  I’ve had Cancer, and I’ve gone through Chemo, and I think that is why I will not let my hair be short, for now….I’ve been bald, on several occassions, and I think that’s why it grows long now, my form of rebellion.   I should have known though.

Today…yes, I am happy.  I’ve had one of the most relaxing days, spent some good time with my hairdresser, and well, I’ve been relaxed all day.  For me, this is the best.  Things with momma are not that good, I will not go into detail other than to say the Farmer has dealt with somethings, that are a regular thing for me.

While today I was selfish, because I truly loved my day, who wouldn’t?  Being pampered and having someone give you a scalp massage and talk to and it being an over all good time?  I did pay it forward though, don’t be mistaken that I didn’t.  When I did arrive at the Farmer’s house, I promptly gave Momma a hair wash, that she even sighed over.  I massaged her scalp, and then blow dried her hair and she was even smiling.  It might have been about an hour after she expected me, but I was there.

I’ve learned some stuff today…  Sometimes, we all need that “special care”, no matter who we are, what we have, and what we are dealing with.  Sometimes, we just need to feel pampered, and then refreshed and then, we can do what we have to.

This is me today…and hat’s off to my hairdresser for making me look good…..

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Reflection….

Something different happened to me this evening.  I logged onto my blog, and I looked at my stats, and then noticed, someone had visited one of the posts I had written over a year ago.  I could not remember the post.

So, I did what anyone would do, and I looked up the post and then proceeded to look and read through the next 3 months worth of posts.  Sometimes I have a hard time writing a post, especially lately.  But to be honest with y’all, the past hour of reading through my posts, has given me such a warm feeling inside.  I even made the Electrician look at some of the pictures I had posted, and asked him if he remembered.

Those were some truly good times.  I still have them, a little bit fewer in between.  But I do know this.  Those times were awesome, and while I may not have the truly “awesome” times with Momma anymore, I do have some really memorable moments.

I guess this is, a part of getting older.  I don’t really like getting older, and I truly see myself as the Farmer’s “little girl”.  While I know I am a Wife, and a Mother, I will always be Daddy’s little girl.

Although after a conversation today with the Farmer, I might re-think that.  You see, I try to take care of the Farmer and Momma.  We have Caregiver Beth that comes in on a daily basis and she takes ‘care” of Momma.  Me?  I take care of both of them.  I actually did something today (for goodness sake DO NOT TELL the Electrician), I actually IRONED with STARCH the Farmer’s shirts.    The Farmer now has 8 shirts in his closet that have been washed, dried and STARCHED.  (Hey I was in the Air Force, I know how to iron and make the appropriate creases….).  I don’t like to iron, in any way shape or form, but for my Daddy, I will do it.

I know I am getting myself into trouble here, but it’s okay.    After reading some of my former posts, I see the progression of the disease of Momma.   I am not happy about it, but I am okay with it.  We’ve had oh so many good times.  A Bunch of ones before we even knew Momma had Parkinson’s.  I have memories of the Farmer and Momma come to visit me and my family, swimming in Hotel pools, going out for dinner, and then when I moved back to Illinois.  Momma and I making decisions about dinner and cooking together.  Momma letting me and the boys moving into  her home.  Momma and I going to aerobics class together, eating  Steak and Shake Cheeseburgers after class.

Momma practicing her driving to get her first drivers license ever.  Me, being scared to death and pushing on the brake on the passenger side of the floor, but still having faith in her.  Going shopping and finding something silly and buying it.  Meeting Momma and the Farmer for lunch when I could.

I have so many memories that are flooding through me.  I will share last night with y’all though, because the joke was truly on me.    You see, I cleaned out momma’s closet lately, simply because we needed more room to put momma’s “supplies” in.  I put a bunch of her clothes downstairs into the “unknown” room.  While putting clothes down in the closet in the room downstairs, I came across a jacket, that looked familiar.   I let it go for a couple of days, and last night I brought it up to the Farmer.

“Uhm, Dad, it’s winter and there are probably people who need coats, could we donate some of Momma’s to the cause?”  I don’t blame the Farmer for what he told me because I understand.  He replied with “When she dies, we will let them go”.  I stated, there is one down there, that I want”.  He told me to take it.  I went downstairs and brought it up and then truly looked at it.

Yep, it was mine, from about 19 years ago, it still had the ski lift ticket on it, and a lighter zipped up in the pocket.  After looking at it and then examining it, I told the Farmer, “Uhm, Dad this is MY jacket….what else are you hoarding that is mine????”  The Farmer giggled and stated “Nothing”…yea right!!!!!

I got my jacket back from 19 years ago, however, when I showed the Electrician my jacket I  proudly brought home, HE giggled.    Apparently, I am not the same size I was 19 years ago because the coat no longer fits.    SIGH….

The fact of the matter is, we all grow, (some of us expand….sigh again), but life progresses, but I still have my memories of better times of Momma the Farmer and me…..

How did I get here?

Ok, this is not going to be another boring post about how sad I am, or how unsettled I am, or anything like that.   This is a just a post warning others of some of “my” stuff.

How did I get here?

By car, I traveled  some thousands of miles to move to the home State of the Farmer, so I could be close to him while going through a nasty divorce.

How did I get here?

I made a life for myself and my boys, and was scared the whole way through, but, had the love and support of the Farmer and Momma.

How did I get here?

I met a man, who was beyond my wildest dreams and fantasies who fulfilled my every wish.

How did I get here?

I made peace with my ex-husband, who I became really good friends with, since we were not married.  However, he took back both of my boys.

How did I get here?

I married the man of my dreams, and we’ve lived and gone through some times, that would normally tear a couple apart.

How did I get here?

In the last 18 years, I can honestly say, through hard work and a bunch of love.

How did I get here?

Because, I will persevere: persevere  verb Definition:  to persist with something regardless of the obstacles, to be persistent.

How did I get here?

Because I can…..and will……

How did I get here?

I’m here, because this is the path I have chosen.  It is not an easy path I travel.  There are bumps, obstacles, and a bunch of other stuff in the way.  But I am a warrior.

How did I get here?

By the Grace of God…..

Now, not all of you will agree with my theory, but I do believe and that is my choice.

Unsettled……

Well….here it is another late night, where sleep escapes me.  The Electrician is fast asleep and snoring (but I did not say that ok?)  We are having some weird weather here where I live.  Ms. Baby has just come out of whatever room she was sleeping in and followed me down the stairs.

Ms. Baby is a baby when it comes to thunder storms and rain.    Usually she hides underneath the bed, but tonite, she is keeping vigil by my side laying on the floor at my feet.  Although at that last clap of thunder, I think she wanted to jump on my lap, but then gave me a “look”, like “pfft….I’m not scared, hey Mom can I sit in your lap?”.  So, I am now typing with a 14 lb kitty in my lap.

I have started taking these late nights, and turning them into a reflection of my day.  I go over my day in my mind, and just be happy at some things, sad at others, and accepting of the events of the day.  I know I am Blessed by so many things in my life.  I know this, but sometimes, it does not make the journey any easier.

I got a call this morning, and some people truly do not understand, that when I get a call from the Farmer’s house at odd times, my stomach truly does travel up into my mouth.  With a very tentative “hello”, the first thing I heard was “Jo?  It’s okay nothing is wrong”.   My breath left my body in a very audible “whoosh”.  After the conversation, I finished what I had going and travelled over to the Farmer’s earlier than what I had expected.

The Farmer went to do his errands, and I took care of Momma, while yesterday, she was okay, today, she was not.    While it was still relatively early, I got a call from Caregiver Beth, we talked for a few and got some things ironed out.  She see’s some of the things I have been talking about, and she is worried.

While I would like to say, in my reflection of the day, was great, I can’t.    Sometimes, I really wish I “knew” what the “plan” was.   I’m not sad, I’m not over joyed, I’m numb.  That’s not a good place for me.

I think I would have been okay with today, if Momma had not asked me when I left “Are they going to take my Family away from me?”  When I asked her who was trying to take her family away, I got “the lady that stares at the ceiling”.

While I know in my mind, I should not take some of these things to “heart”, sometimes it’s a hard thing to do.  I have no formal training, and sometimes, while I like to THINK, I have the answers, I don’t.  So, I do, what has become the normal for me, and I wing it.   I seem to be getting really good at that.

By the time I left, Momma was smiling and giggling, and giving me a kiss goodbye.The Farmer was sitting in his chair, reading manuals, and being totally pleased with his stuff.

The Electrician and I had a “normal” evening for us.  Things are ok, but I still feel unsettled, I can’t describe it, but it is a feeling that I have. (That and a 14 lb kitty in my lap, that I am afraid to move to wake her up, because now SHE is snoring).

I know that tomorrow evening I will have some giggles, because it will be Wednesday and Cam-man will come into my house with a swag, and shouting PAPA at the top of his little lungs, although he will throw some hugs and kisses my way too.

Although from the sound of this post, I’m not okay, I really truly am, just a little unsettled.  Can’t put my finger on it, but I have faith, and I know it will be okay.

Today, arrived….

I had a good weekend, and the Electrician and I did our thing.  We did have a bunch of giggles on Friday night though.  The Nurse and the Fisher dude, along with Cam-Man came over, and we spent our evening playing Euchre, and having a few adult beverages.

Now, mind you, we did have to look up the rules AGAIN, for playing Euchre.  We were paired the same as the last time we played (over the Christmas holidays), gals versus guys.  While the last time us gals kicked some serious guys butt, the same could not be said about Friday.

I think all of us, were celebrating (or commiserating) over one thing or another.  Little Cam-man was happy to be sitting on one or another person’s lap, telling us which card to throw out, and then running back and forth from the movie he was watching (Ice Age), and the couch that had been opened up into a BIG bed for him.  It was a fun night with a BUNCH of laughter and story telling going on.

Saturday dawned, and I did all of those domestic diva things that I have previously ignored  haven’t had time to do. With my house back to spit shiny condition, I promptly took a 2 hour nap.  The Electrician had done the grocery shopping, and I happily woke up in time to put all the groceries away.    We went to bed relatively early, because we were going to Church the next morning.

Sunday arrived and the Electrician and I were up, showered and dressed when the phone rang, early.  The Nurse, was calling, she thought Cam-man may have pink eye, and needed my expert opinion on the subject.  (Yes, I am an expert, having had pink eye in BOTH eyes, not to long ago.)  We flew over there and while I did not think it was pink eye, it was suggested he should stay home “just in case”.  Little Dude was torn up.  He brought his clothes to his Momma and said “Church, pwease???”  His Momma bribed him, telling him, it would not be a good idea for him to go to Church and she would bring him home a Happy Meal.

I usually don’t talk about Church, and my belief’s with ANYONE, but I am breaking this rule, just this once, because I found this to be extremely filled with giggles.   And I needed them at that time.  I will paste the link, feel free to go to it if you want, and if you don’t, that’s ok to.  But here it is..  http://youtu.be/ChZlxCYshv0 .

Sunday evening, the Electrician and I had a ‘moment”  simply because this time last year, he and I embarked on an adventure.   We went on our first ever Cruise, that was a present from his parents.  It was a “family” thing.  We went with his parents, and my sister-in-law.  The memories are embedded into my mind, simply because My sister-in-law and I did something on both off our bucket list’s.  We ziplined, in Jamaica. Not to mention, Momma was in the Nursing Home recovering, and I was stressed beyond all recognition at the time, and this was relaxation to the point of being comatose.  I had never been on a “cruise” before.  I think I could get used to it.

DCIM101MEDIA

My beloved, and me with his parents…..

 

 

 

 

 

DCIM101MEDIAThe Electrician, his Daddy, and my co-hort in crime, My Sister in law.

 

 

Mind you, we were on the balcony and just goofing off at the time….ah..why am I the only one with a drink in my hand????  Guess they all put there’s down….figures, I’m the one to get busted….

 

 

DCIM101MEDIAYea, We were a motley crue, so to speak, but what a memory I have to fall back on in times of trouble, or just hard times.    I remember all of those good times, and I giggle.

Today arrived, and I did what I do.  I got up early, and let the Farmer sleep in.  I’ am getting pretty good at sneaking in his back door.    The Surprize was on me though this morning.  Momma had heard the door open and was waiting to greet me.

When I went in to give her the first meds of the day, she greeted me with a smile.  This is the Momma I know.  After doing our “roll all over the bed, so you can be dry” thing. Momma grabbed my hand and then my face and planted a big kiss on me, and said “Where ya been kiddo?”  THIS is my Momma.  She’s been gone for a bit and she stayed around today for a while.  I was so happy to see her.    We chatted for a bit and then I went and finished up all my stuff.

By the time I came back to get her up she was there for a bit, but was gone in a second.  It was hard to get her to back up into the chair, and after sitting in the chair, the “lady who stares at the ceiling” came back.  It’s okay though, because when I was ready to leave, “the lady who stares at the ceiling ” and “Momma” were one, who wanted my touch and kiss goodbye.

Sometimes, when I am sitting at my computer trying to figure out what I am going to share with ya’ll, it just comes to me as I let my fingers fly over the keyboard.  I’m not upset, as I used to be, I have learned,  a few things from that angry girl who used to be so hurt by all of this.

Yes, while I still may hurt, the gift of life, is for all of us.  Some would not be able to handle all of this, and truly, I haven’t handled it all that well, up until now.  Now, each day Momma gives us is a gift.  My goal, to make her happy and giggle, and know, she is never alone.