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Confessions of a Parkinson’s Daughter….

The screen was ready and I had already planned about what I would write, I’ve been absent from my blog for a few days.  I gave no warning, and really did not mean to forget you, but sometimes, life gets in the way of the best laid plans.

Tonite’s post was supposed to be about, how I’ve been oh so busy the past few days, and while that is true, I’ve had other issues.

I’ve been for the past few days, doing ‘double time” at the Farmer’s.  Caregiver Beth was sick.  So for a few days, not only did I go over and spend most of the day at the Farmer’s house, I went back in the evenings and put Momma to bed.

Now for me, it’s a given, Momma is one of my priorities.  While I have missed being home, I’ve also missed putting Momma to bed at night.  She sort of rallies at night and becomes a bit more livelier at night, than she is during the day.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve kept the home fires going at the same time.  The Electrician has come home to his meals prepared and ready to be heated up, AND I’ve done all those domestic diva things that I normally do.

Momma is holding her own, she gets a little whacky sometimes, but that is to be expected. Yesterday, she did so well, that I gave her a couple of sips of coffee in the morning, and when I went back that evening…well… ok, I may or may not have snuck her a couple of spoonfuls of gravy, Which she swallowed.  I also may or may not have snuck her a couple of spoonfuls of orange sherbet  Which she swallowed.

When I arrived today, it was kind of funny.  Things have been crazy today.  I arrived at the Farmer’s and got his list for the store and went shopping.  GASP, YES, I went shopping AND might I say pretty darn proud of myself for staying UNDER budget,

I arrived back at the Farmer’s with ALL of my purchases, and the Farmer was pretty happy with all I had gotten.  I wrapped some gifts that went under the tree, and then went to get Momma up.  Momma was a little ray of sunshine on an otherwise gloomy day.  For real folks, it’s snowing, blowing and just down right nasty here today.

Momma picks out the colors she wants to wear each day.  Today it was a Ms. Kitty Sweatshirt and some sweat pants.  Momma did good today, While I recognize that I am very territorial, and I might hover over her a bit.  I’m kinda sad that I do not get to put her to bed tonite.

I’ve made some serious memories of Momma lately, and that’s a good thing.  Because I know those memories will keep me going for a good long while.  But ya know what?  I’m going to keep on making those memories….as long as Momma lets me.

I truly believe we are each given something by each person that comes into our lives.  It’s our journey to find out what it is.  I think I know what Momma is teaching me in a subtle way, it’s taken me a while to understand it.  But I think I am learning the lesson here.  I’m just not ready to share it.

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Morning Coffee….Lesson learned….

Sometimes even the smallest things, can make you feel like a million dollars.  Be it smiling at a stranger, to opening the door for an elderly person.   To just taking time out of your busy day to show someone else a little kindness.

I will admit, lately, I’ve been feeling….I’m not quite sure.    I’ve been snarky, and then been ok, and then been snarky again.    I feel like I’m on a roller coaster.  While I do know that some of this is, because of taking care of Momma, I think some of it is the stress over the Holidays.

Maybe, I am just missing something.  I know the Electrician is frustrated with me. My philosophy of “the world is round and I’ll get there” has never really set well with him.

While I do not have a “paying” job, I still have a job.  I am a Caretaker.  I take care of my Momma, and the Farmer too, for that fact, I take care of home life for my beloved Electrician.

Someone left a “remark” about a week ago and it truly made me stop and think.  While at first, I did not give it any attention, it did kinda stop me in my tracks.    Someone stated that my “guilt” for not taking care of everyone in a true equal fashion , came through in my posts.

Now, while I admit, sometimes I spread myself thin, and I do try to take on my “world” so to speak, I give it my all.  I don’t usually take time out for myself.  I am to busy taking care of everyone else.

With all of that being said, I want to share something with y’all.  This morning I got up early, so I could take care of some things around the homestead.  When I was about ready to leave, I got a phone call.

The Nursing student called me and asked if I wanted to stop by her house and have a cup of coffee with her.  Since I was all ready to go to the Farmer’s, I said yes, and I think I shocked her.

I grabbed a pint of pumpkin spice coffee creamer and headed over.  I would just like to state for the record, I spent about 45 minutes at her house and I truly had such a fantastic time, that I hope I am invited back again.

We chatted and finalized our menu for the Christmas “get together”, that are planned.  But I got, to just relax, and chat and be myself without having to take care of anyone, and just have a fun morning.

Mind you, I kind of paid for it in several different ways.  But, I learned something this morning.  It’s ok, to squeeze in sometime for myself, doing whatever it is I want to do.

My day kind of went to hell in a hand basket after this morning, but ya know what?  It’s ok.  Because sometimes to have the cream, you have to wade through all the $hit to get to it.

But I also figured out, sometimes, when people blow off steam, it is because they are troubled and while you might not understand it at first, say nothing, walk away and think about what is truly the underlying emotions.  Because sometimes what you think is on the surface, isn’t what is truly going on.

Sometimes, the worlds problems and yours can be solved with a good cup of coffee, and good conversation.

**While I realize this post may be all over the map, at the moment I am truly all over the map..****

Random….For a Caregiver….

Lately, I’ve had a bunch of Random things pop into my head.  Not quite sure why, but my mind does not want to shut off lately.  I don’t know if it is because I am travelling down the road cruise control on 70, or because MAYBE, I might have to accept something.  Maybe, just maybe, I have put too much on my plate lately, and I am having a hard time, making my way through my plate.

I got up this morning early, and was watching my regular News program of the morning, and I thought,  “Someone is trying to tell me something”, because of the segment they had on.

My little ole town news station had a segment for Caregiver’s, this morning.    The Electrician actually turned up the volume, and I truly paid attention.  Apparently, “we” as Caregiver’s of family members find the Holidays, a trying time.

We want things to be the way they were BEFORE, we had to become Caregiver’s, be it from Spouses, daughters, sons, or just as a family.    We want to go back to the time, when things were “normal”.

But in our lives right now, it is not normal.    For me?  I’ve been between a rock and a hard place, to trying to figure out other people’s emotions and not quite comprehending them.

Forgive me, for a second, but I am a 50+ woman, who tries to do the best she can with what she has.  I apologize for not figuring out exactly what other’s need from me.

I am not giving anyone any grief, but I am trying to explain, YES, I would give anything to go back to the time, when it was all “normal”.  But uhm…WAKE up, because it is not normal, and we deal with what we are given.

Forgive me, but the last few days with Momma have not been exactly “perfect”.  To the Farmer, while I know it hurts us both, especially when she cries, because normally, she does not cry.  There is a sadness in the house right now, that while we may not have told her everything, she feels it.  Sometimes, I cry simply because of her frustration.

Folks, Momma is not like she used to be, she is getting weaker, and while we grasp at straws, it ain’t pretty.  If I could seriously give her ALL of my strength, and let her stay awake, and have a solid conversation and not one of a dreamland I would.  But, I can’t.

There has been a bunch of kissing and hugs lately, that haven’t always been there.  To me , that is another Blessing.

As a Caregiver to my Momma with Stage 5 Parkinson’s, I would not miss this for anything, and while I know the Farmer AND Momma need me, I am right there.  To My Electrician, The Nursing Student, The Fisher Dude, My Son & his fiance, and the College Student, and especially Cam-Man, I am right there for you too.    But at the same token, I know you are all there for me too.

In Life’s lesson’s, I have found a strength and courage, I never knew I had.  But I will admit something to y’all, I’m not doing it alone.  I’m being carried,  ya know how I know this?  Because I  feel it, between God, and all of my guardian angels, we got this. (And I have a bunch of angels watching over me).

 

 

Caregiver with issues….

I have been a Caregiver to my Momma now for almost 2 years.  My Momma is a Stage 5 Parkinson’s patient.

This would be my Momma, although this picture is 17 years old, and Momma might be a bit “glammed up”.    This is her.

She is truly a beautiful woman, that I cannot describe, other than always full of laughter, and giggles.  Her sense of humor is amazing.

This was probably about 10 years ago.  Momma decided it was high time we had a family picture of just the 3 of us.

This is Momma with the Farmer about 1 1/2 years ago.    This is when Momma could still do a bunch of things  for herself, and also be able to eat, without a tube.

This is Momma and the Farmer after we had a wheelchair ramp installed so we could take Momma outside without having to struggle, this was about 3 months ago….

Like I said, I have been a Caregiver for almost 2 years now.  First and foremost, let me just tell y’all, I am not a CNA, Nurse or anything else, other than a daughter, and a Mother, and a Grandma.

I have no formal training.  I have done tons of research, and tried to figure out things, to make things easier for Momma.  My daughter The “Nursing Student” has taught me a bunch.  When Momma lived in the Nursing Home, all of those CNA’s there and the Nurses did their best to teach me what they could.

I have done things, I never imagined I would do.  I have faced situations, I never thought I would.  But I have to confess, today was the first time I have ever lost it and become physically sick over something I had to do.  Now, to be honest, I may be wuss.  Simply because I am known to have a few things that will seriously make me gag every time.

I can not handle snot, which is silly in a way, because I can wipe the Grankids nose and clean up his snot no problem, I’ve handled Momma’s snot, no problem.  I can clean up $hit, no problem.  I may have to clothes pin my nose, but I can clean that up.  I can wipe butts with the best of them.

But then we come to my problem.  With PD, Momma has trouble swallowing.  She starts to cough and then to choke.  This has happened a bunch TO ME lately.  I know she is not saving it up just for me, but it always seems to happen when her and I are alone together.

It happened to me today, as soon as the Farmer left to go get his monthly haircut.  It was a good thing I was there by 7:30 and gave Momma her 8 am meds, while the Farmer got to sleep in.  I made the requested batch of Oatmeal/raison cookies (which is part of his payment for the haircut).  The Farmer had been gone for about 10 minutes, when I heard it.

Momma was choking, so I rushed in there.   I pulled her into a sitting position, and then I remembered some advice given to me by a really good friend, so I turned her onto her left side, and it did not stop.  So, then I remembered some other advice, and I went and got a glass of water and a mouth swab, and told Momma to open her mouth.  I swabbed her mouth and almost tossed cookies at what I pulled out.  I did it a couple of more times, and then Momma breathed  easier, and calmed down and did her breathing exercises with me.  Unfortunately for me, I had to run to the bathroom and I did toss my cookies.

I lost my breakfast and then sat with my head in the toilet bowl crying.  I’m not sure what happened.  I felt a little stupid.  Jimmy Christmas, I was in the Air Force and handled some situations worse than this what the heck?  That’s when I came to the conclusion, there was a reason I was never interested in being a Caregiver, or a Nurse or anything to do with the medical field.

I got myself together and checked on Momma, who was now fast asleep and snoring.    The Farmer returned, looking all “spiffy” having his ears lowered.  I told him what happened, but I’m not sure he understood what I said.

It was time to get Momma up, and she had no recollection of the previous hours events.   When I asked her how she felt, she replied with pretty good for an old lady.  When the Farmer came in to help me get her to do her “walkabout”, (that’s what we call her journey into the front room), we did the one, two, three….that’s when she told both of us, we would miss her when she was gone.   I’m used to this line of conversation, but I think today was the First time the Farmer heard it.  Simply because he looked at her and asked her “Where are you going?”.  Momma did not reply, and the Farmer stated to her, we would not let her go, anywhere without us.

Momma was sitting all comfortable in her chair, when I was yelling from the kitchen about the Farmer’s dinner tomorrow night and about how I would be there to help him.  That’s when I guess momma looked at the Farmer and said ‘What?”  We told her Beth would be there to get her up tomorrow and I would be there tomorrow night to put her in bed.  Momma didn’t say another word, until I was ready to go.

I finished everything up, and went to give them both kisses Goodbye, when Momma hugged me and kissed me and told me ‘I Love you Jo, Thank you for everything you do to make me comfortable.”.

I will admit I cried on the way home, I’m not sure if it was because I tossed my cookies, or because I know something is coming and I’m not going to like it.  Some people say I am looking into tomorrow, when I don’t know what it holds.  The funny thing about that is, I do know what’s coming, and while I don’t really like it.  We all have to face it.  I truly am not being negative, but maybe I am trying to get the courage to go through it.

I do know I have the UTMOST respect for anyone in the medical field.  Be it a CNA, Nurse, Doctor, EMT, Caregiver or whatever.  Simply because while I can do this for my Momma, I don’t think I could do it for anybody.  My heart would break too much.

 

Family..It’s complicated….

You can choose your friends, you can choose the people you hang out with, but you cannot choose your Family.

But you know what?  Your Family is just that….family.  Be it Step Father, Step Mother, step brother, step sister, half-brother, half-sister, whatever.  Family is family.

I have been honored with 2 step-Mothers in my life.   I’m not sure exactly what “Step” means other than the fact these women did not give birth to me.  But ya know what?  I know that both of these women loved me like they had given birth to me.

My first Step-Mother, Dorothy, my father married when I was about 2 or 3 years old.  She cared for me as her own all through out my “early years”.  unfortunately for us, she died when I was about 11 or 12, I seriously cannot remember, those were dark years for me.    I say this because Dad and I actually talked about her today.  Sometimes, when someone passes away, you never forget them, and while sometimes it may be a different thing in your life, you always remember them.

From her, I learned oh so much.  She raised me the best way she knew how, and I am not lacking anything from it other than missing her over the years.

My Momma now?  I would not trade her for anything.  I have always thought that God brings people into your life when you need them, and they can teach you as well as you teach them.

My Momma has been my Momma for the last 31 years, which on record, means she’s stuck with me the longest (Besides my Dad).  When she first came into our lives, I was the bratty little teenager who thought I knew it all.  Boy was I mistaken.  Momma was patient and tolerant, and just what the Farmer and I needed in our lives.

While the Farmer and Momma had a life I only know about through the “telling” and pictures, there are times I have felt I was there .  I know they always came to visit me at least once a year if not twice.  I have pictures and memories to prove it.

When I truly needed the Farmer and Momma, they came through for me, and for that I am eternally grateful.  You see, they saved me from a situation that is better left unsaid.  The fact that Momma opened up her home to me, and we became the best of friends during that time, has sustained me through some of the times I am going through now.

Momma was diagnosed with Parkinson’s.  Parkinson‘s is not a pretty thing, it will take your guts and make you eat them and then still ask why.  But ya know what?  I’m here, and I’m dealing with it, as is the Farmer.

The Farmer and I truly had a heart to heart talk today.  I know that I am more “up” on the situation than he is.  Simply because I do not want to feel like that 11-12 year old again.    This one is gonna hurt me and the Farmer, this I know, simply because of our conversation today.

But instead of what is looking at to happen, I choose today to remember good times, and the history.

The History of the Farmer asking me if I “minded” if he asked momma for her hand in marriage.  I asked him before I gave permission…”Did you ask her Dad?”  To the first time they both came to hold my oldest son…..Me crying when they both held my 1st son.  For that fact, My grandma Ruth holding my oldest son.  To the birth of my second son, and both of them coming and giving Congratulations.  To pictures of the Farmer and Momma in a pool in a hotel swimming with both of my sons.

To the day I moved in with both of my son’s into their house, and thanking them for giving me a home.  To the Farmer buying my Trailor and giving me the faith in myself to starting my new future.

To me finding the man of my dreams, the Electrician, and allowing me and the Electrician to getting married in Momma and the Farmer’s home with a party included.

To becoming the Step Mother to 1 son and 2 daughters that totally hated me at the time.  Over time, we have made a relationship.  While the road has been rocky, we’ve made it because I would not trade any of them for anything.

My son’s?  While I love both of them, One has turned totally against me, not for anything I have done, but simply because he does not like “tough-love“, because while I have made decisions, so has he.  I am not responsible for his, I am responsible for mine.    The other one?  I have stood by him, and loved him, while I do not necessarily agree with his choices, as his Momma I can only love him, and let him make his own mistakes.

I love my family, I truly do….I also love some little guy named Cam-Man with all of my heart, he has truly hit mine and his  Papa’s heart, also I think he has wormed his way into the Farmer’s heart as well.

Family?…Yea, it may be complicated, but when it is all said and done….Well, they have your back, and they love you, no matter how complicated it gets….  And I am here to tell you, I love mine with all that I am….

30 days of Thanks….

30daysofthanksfinal

I started with something on Facebook last night, and then I came across this website today.

This is November and there are a bunch of different things going on, but I found this and really liked the idea and concept.

http://www.30daysofthanks.com/

So, each day I will do a 30 day of thanks post, besides my regular posts.

I have to catch up, last night I posted my first day of thanks, it went something like this:

Day 1: I am thankful for courage.

I will elaborate on my blog instead of just leaving the one word sentence.  I am thankful for finding the courage for what I do every day.  There are good days, and there are bad days.  I have faced things I never imagined in my life I would ever do.    But I have found the courage to do it, and continue to do it.

For first time readers of my blog, I am the Daughter of a Parkinson’s Momma, we are in stage 5, and she is taken care of by me, the Farmer (my Dad) and our Caregiver Beth, at home.

Today I posted:

Day 2: I am thankful for the beautiful sunrise I watched while driving to my Dad & Mom’s this morning.

This morning, I let the Farmer sleep in and went over early.  While I was driving over to the Farmer’s house, I went the back way.  I saw a truly incredible sight.  When I came to the part of the road, where it becomes like a forest with a dirt road, and through winding hills, I saw a 7 point Buck standing in the middle of the road.

At the same time I saw him, the sun came creeping over the top of the hill.  At first I got nervous, because I didn’t want him to run into me.  But we kind of had a stare off.  I rolled down my window, and said “Hi”.  He looked at me for a moment and then went back into the woods.

That sight combined with the sunrise, gave me such a good feeling that has lasted most of the day.

 

Fall has fallen…..

Well, its fall.  The trees are “snaked” as the College student used to like to say when she was little.

The Electrician has been busy around my house, mowing the yard for the last time, and putting up the bird bath and all of the other garden stuff.  Last night he told me, he had burned all the downed tree limbs in the burn pit.

Today he was going to mow for one last time, and while he’s been mowing, I’ve done all that domestic diva stuff that I do.  But I had to laugh when I looked out the living room bay window and saw this.

Parked at my front entrance is a man-less lawn mower.  I wondered where he had gone, when there was a knock on my sliding glass doors downstairs.  So, I ran down and there was the Electrician, holding a burnt rake.  When I asked him what happened, he told me he was burning leaves in the front, and he wasn’t quite sure how it happened, because this is the rake he uses in the burn pit and has used countless years for burning leaves.    Note to self,  add a rake to the Christmas wish list.

After hearing that he was burning leaves out front, I went and got the camera.

What is it about Men and fire?  This man has built a fire the past couple of days.  I think he just likes burning stuff.

He appears totally happy to me.

 

 

 

So while Fall has fallen and all of the trees are snaked and the leaves burned, I am already in the planning stages of our Thanksgiving dinner.  It is only 3 weeks away folks.    We have some of the usual suspects on the table, but this year I am going to try some new things which I will spend the next couple of weeks trying out, to see if they are a yay or a nay.

Do y’all have any special things that end up on your Thanksgiving table?

Good days, and bad days…..

Yesterday was an ok day, not great, but not bad.  Today,I decided to give the Farmer a break, so I snuck into his house to let him sleep in.  I got things ready  for Momma‘s first round of meds.  Made myself a cup of coffee, turned the t.v. on, and then went in to see how Momma was doing.  I listened to her tummy bubble, and took her temp, and then gave her meds, and a feeding with a water flush through the tube.  Momma never woke up.

I went out and cleaned everything up and got the next round ready, then sat down with my coffee, and watched the News about the Eastern Coast and how they had fared from Hurricane Sandy.

I have to insert here, I have a bunch of friends that are all over the area that was hit.  I have heard from a few, and I believe the others are going through power outages, but I pray they are all ok.

The Farmer had a good sleep in today, and finally surfaced at about 9:30, sure beats getting up at 7.  He looked relaxed, so I went ahead and started breakfast of Denver omelets this morning.  While we were eating he asked how Momma was this morning, and I replied with “sleeping, and no, she did not wake up at 8, when I gave her the meds.”  The Farmer then told me about something that has been happening the past couple of nights.  It is a new thing. It was hard for the Farmer to explain it to me other than it scares him.  The closest thing I can think of to explain it is, she kind of forgets to breath.

I’m glad he told me about this, because a few minutes later, I heard Momma choking.  I ran into the room, and she looked at me and there were tears rolling  down her face, and there was a look of sheer terror.  I pulled her upright and asked her what was the matter, and she told me someone was after her.  I finally convinced her no one was after her, and that she was safe in her bed, in her home with me and the Farmer and the 2 cats were the only ones there.  She stopped crying and then fell back asleep.

The Farmer left to go do a couple of errands, and I got busy making spaghetti and meatballs for the Farmer’s dinner.  Well, I made the sauce and meatballs, and then ended up freezing the extra meatballs and sauce for a dinner later on. While I was rolling meatballs, I heard Momma again, and I flew into her room.  I really do not know what is going on with her, but it is kinda of like she forgets to breath, and then tries to suck in all the air she can and then chokes.  After calming her down again, and giving her the 3rd dose of meds, she went back to sleep.

I finished up all the other stuff I had to do, and then I got Momma up.  When I went in and pulled the blinds up, she smiled and never even knew anything of the morning.   I asked her how she had slept, and she replied with “not to bad”.  She gave me that big morning hug, I always ask for, and then when the Farmer came in she wanted a big hug from him too.  She walked out to her chair, and did really good.    5 minutes in her chair and she was asleep.

I woke her up to give her the 2’s, and she fell asleep while I was giving them to her.  I finished up my stuff, because I had to fly down the road to an appointment, but as I was giving hugs and kisses, she grabbed onto me and told me she loved me, and thanked me for everything.

This was different from yesterday, when we had the discussion about her telling me she had to leave, and when I asked her where she was going, she told me home.  When I looked at her and told her she was home, I got the look, to which she replied, she was going home to HER Mom and Dad.

Things are definitely a little wacky right now.  Sometimes, when I watch Momma sleep, she pulls her head off the pillow, and giggles, talks, and gestures, but is asleep.  I’m not sure what she is dreaming about, but she is very lively.  It’s just a little sad, that she is sleeping so many hours of the day, and we see her briefly here and there.

 

 

 

Thoughts, laughter, and giggles….

This is not what I had planned to post about, but I would really like to share with you the past couple of hours I have had.

If you follow my posts, then you know I went to a boarding school, and I still remain friends with just about all the peeps I went to school with.  I am closer to some than others.

I was cruisin thru Facebook a little while ago, we were talking to my “outlaws” at the time.  They made it home and are safe and sound in their own home, although Papa has to go back to the Doctor because his Bronchitis is no better.    While we were talking to them, my phone beeped and a friend of mine was calling in.  We finished up our call to the “outlaws’.

The Electrician told me I had better call back my High School friend.  I had seen a post she put on Facebook and had instant messaged her.  She called in response to my message.  I called her back, and after talking to her for about an hour….the Electrician looking at me like I had lost my mind, because this particular friend, used to be my room-mate.   Whenever her and I talk, it is nothing short of a bunch of giggles, and  comparable life styles.    Let me just insert here, when you are a room-mate with someone, there are no secrets, and you kind of like become sisters.

After confessing, I swiped her pair of jeans to wear, and they ripped (even more than they were already), she dissolved into giggles and stated her Dad yelled at her and thought she threw them away.    We laughed over old times, and giggled over new times.    The Electrician looked at me like I had lost my mind when I argued with her over how old she was.  I am a year older than her, but could not remember her exact birthdate.  Plus, the fact, I can never remember how old I am much less anyone else.

After talking with her for about an hour, the Electrician was rolling his eyes at me, plus, my sister-in-law had tried to beep in, so her and I said by.

We called my sissy-in-law back, and she sounded like crap.  I asked her if she had loved up to Papa too much, because she sounded well…congested.  She is now sick to, and for that I’m sorry, having had that ukiness a few weeks ago, it makes you feel like crap.

Sissy was excited at all of her bounty we had sent to her from my MOL and FOL being here.   She is going to use the chili I sent her to make chili jam, (which I asked her to send me the recipe).  She loves her Bears hoodie, and a couple of other things we sent home to her.    Folks, I’ve never had a sister, I’ve had room-mates that feel like sisters, I’ve had friends that I consider sisters, but this one is special.  This one went zip-lining with me and we’ve  built a sister relationship over the last 17 years, that I will forever cherish.

While the past few days I’ve been down in the dumps, and having a pity party for myself, these women (along with the Electrician) (also a very close friend and sister T) have made me realize I have a lot to be thankful for.  No more dumps for me, I’m over it.    There are to many giggles to have, and laughter to share to be upset.  What will be will be, que sera que sera…..Thanks to Doris Day for that one.

 

 

The past few days…..

The past few days, I have not been myself.  I had fallen into that thing called the “pity pot”.  I have been angry, hurt, and just overall not myself.

Sometimes, life catches up to you and you get angry/hurt at the injustice of somethings.  I’m better today, after my major “blow-up/meltdown” of yesterday.

The funniest thing, yesterday, the Electrician and I had Cam-Man most of the day. We had fun, made cookies, and laughed a bunch.  It is very hard not to laugh with Cam-man, that kid just does the funniest things.  His vocabulary has expanded, and it’s fun to listen to.

His biggest thing these days is Papa.  His little voice fills up the house with shouts of “PA”, if there is no answer then it is “PAPA”.  The kid can yell that’s for sure.  While he didn’t mind playing with me for about the first hour and a half, he got bored with me and started yelling.  The Electrician was downstairs repainting my hood that goes over the stove.  (By the way it turned out SWEET!)  “PAPA” little man yelled down the stairs, and papa answered with “What little buddy, I’ll be there in a minute ok?”  “K”  yelled Cam-man and then he proceeded to steal my nose and eat it.

Pa came up and then it was on.  We all three played hide and seek, and then dissolved into a big huddle in the middle of the living room floor.    Little dude started talking to Pa and I, and we both were amazed, he can come up with some really funny stuff.  I was looking through my cook book to make some dinner with shrimp that the outlaws had brought us, and little dude climbed up into my lap and was totally mesmerized by the cookbook.  He took the book from me and hid it so I had to go find it.  That little kid is amazing, he loves his Papa and lets everyone know it.

It was a fun day yesterday, last night I went and put Momma to bed.  I made the Farmer dinner of Salisbury steak and gravy with mashed potato’s and green beans.  Then I set up a Beef stew in the crock pot for his dinner over the weekend.  Momma was sleepy.  She snoozed about the whole time I was there.  When it came time to put her to bed, we used the wheelchair. When I was wheeling Momma into her room for bed, I popped a couple of wheelies with her in the wheelchair, she was not impressed, but she did giggle when we got to her room.    Momma got tucked up and we turned her t.v. on, unfortunately she could not keep her eyes open to watch it.

I gave Momma her meds and she pretty much slept through it, she did wake up when I gave her a hug and a kiss and told her I would see her in a couple of days.    She did tell me when I gave her a kiss, that she really loved me and thanked me for taking care of her.

Momma does not stay awake too much these days.   I understand that, we have progression.  Sometimes her dreams are more entertaining than real life.  I think for me, between my life with Momma, and my life outside of Momma, I have reached my limit.  I say that with knowing how I am.

I truly am not a person that sits on the “pity pot”, I was their last night, and I really did not like it.  There is a reason for everything that I go through, I know this, I’m not sure what it is.  But at the same token, it is not me to question why, it is me to question, what am I not learning by all of the things going on?  There is a lesson in everything,   I just have to figure out what it is….