Have you ever had a day when just too many things are going on, and you just wanna do nothing?
When you feel a grief inside, and cannot explain it, but you feel it all the same?
When you try, and nothing you seem to do can make things better?
When instead of feeling that things are ok, they are not?
When you worry about things, that are out of your control, and you know this, but you worry just the same?
When you become consumed by certain things, and some people just don’t seem to understand?
When people tell you, you have changed, and maybe you have, but they also do not walk in your shoes?
Sometimes, things just get out of control, and while you try your best to keep them in control, you may forget and allow somethings to fall to the side.
Sometimes, you need to realize, when you think you have it under control, you really don’t.
But the thing is, what would you do if you walked in my shoes?
Would you be as caring?
Would you spend your time giving something to someone else, that you love with all your heart?
Would you sacrifice some part of your life for another part of your life?
Sometimes, we do what we have to do, we do what we feel the need to do.
Maybe I have changed, but at the same token, if you walked in my shoes, would you do the same?
Sometimes it is just hard to be a Caregiver, and my family my suffer because of it, I am sorry for all of the things, I have failed to do. I am sorry if I have hurt any of my family members feelings, because I am a Caregiver.
Maybe I am being selfish, and I hope they can understand this. This is my Momma, While it is sometimes hard to comprehend, what lengths would you go to for your parents?
Sometimes there are too many emotions on this roller coaster, and I am trying to deal with all of them and still let my family know I love them with all of my heart.
Maybe I have lost a part of myself by doing this. But it is a part, that I would gladly give up, simply because of a love for my Momma. Because when this journey ends, I will have a life long of lasting memories of a woman, who loves me beyond all recognition and who at this time needs me, and wants me to be there.
I read a blog post tonite that has truly hit me in the gut and made me accept a few things. So, in true Camsgranny fashion, I am also writing a letter.
While I know the past few days you have felt like you are on a roller coaster, maybe you need to accept that you are. This Holiday season is a first for you.
You have so many scary memories of the last Holiday season, and you need to accept the fact you are scared. It doesn’t help you that your Momma has said, she gets emotional over the Christmas holiday, and that she has told you she is planning to leave you this Christmas season.
While your memories flood back to you from last year, when you actually “lost” your Momma and the fact that the Doctor’s and Nurses brought her back to you. You need to quit being a scaredy cat, and recognize every day is a gift.
You need to quit walking on eggshells and live your life, and quit worrying. While I understand that it gets harder and harder everyday to go take care of her, when you see that she is slowly going away, cherish what time you have with her.
Giggle those giggles, belly laugh when you both need to. Wipe her tears when she needs it, wipe her drool away when she needs it. Comfort her when she is confused, and let her be herself.
She loves you, oh so much, and that is why she tells you daily, she is Blessed by you, and lucky to have you. While I understand, you tell her, You are lucky to have her.
While I understand your frustration, and that being a Caregiver is hard. It is something you feel the need to do. It won’t be forever, and there will come a day, when you will feel Blessed to have all these moments and also to have spent the time you did.
So to myself, I say this, Girl, you got this and quit looking behind and start looking forward, and just take one day at a time. Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future, and today? well, it’s a present.
I have come to the conclusion that sometimes life is like a roller coaster. Sometimes the road is fast with lots of curves. You soar up towards the sky, and then travel very quickly back down again. You never really know when the next curve is coming, nor do you know if you will slow down, or speed up. You hold on tight. There are butterflies in your tummy, not knowing whether to be scared, or just giggle.
It’s only Tuesday, and already it has been a hard week. So far, sadness, shock, anger, & stupidity, are things I have dealt with. While I am no different from anyone else, it has really hit me hard the past couple of days.
However, with all of the above being said, I have thought about it, and the sadness, I understand, there is nothing I can do about it, other than to pray for the people who have passed. Shock is from One of the people, who is a little girl, who had a heart transplant 2 years ago, and I’m not sure what happened, but she passed away late last night.
Anger and stupidity, well, those two are rolled into one. I guess, I really should not get angry, because sometimes, you just can’t fix stupid. I am not saying that to be rude to anyone either, maybe stupid isn’t the right word. Maybe the right word, well, unfortunately I can’t find the right word. However, I did just look up the word “stupid” in Wikipedia and the following is what it said:
So with THAT being said, maybe I should not get angry, and maybe try to teach, some understanding.
I think one I forgot to mention was FRUSTRATED. I have felt a bunch of that lately too. I don’t want to control every situation, but I guess, I get a little frustrated when I have no control over a situation, that my mind knows I have no control over, but my heart says otherwise.
Sometimes life is like a roller coaster, but the difference being, instead of a roller coaster, how about a nice train ride instead?